I was ready but now I'm still here?
The other day was just.... I couldn't anymore. I've struggled with serious depression my whole life but the past 2 years or so have just been too much. In every category of life. I was feeling so overwhelmed and hurt and confused and angry and sad and just empty. It didn't seem like life was ever gonna even out the good and bad and just keep throwing my to the wolves. So I tried to think of a solution for myself and decided it was time. Time to end things. I made a plan, had a note, all the jazz and I've never felt so.... calm. Peaceful. Relieved. Grateful in my entire life. It'd finally be done. I could get off the nightmare ride. But there was one more thing to do- I'd made game night plans and made raspberry mousse which couldn't go to waste (too delicious) and owed them. So I figured I'd be a last hurrah and then I'd come home and go to sleep and have no more tomorrows. Yes. But we stayed later than I expected and I had a migraine and was too tired and in pain to go through with my plan. So I delayed it, thinking I'd have the next day even if that brought back all the weight of living. It's been a few days now. Tbh, idk why I haven't gone through with my plan. My note still sits on my desk. I've dreamed of that moment of long-awaited release since then a lot. I still want to end things. But I have trouble convincing myself now is the time. Idk why. Nothing changed. But here I stay. Telling myself "good work, sleep well. I'll most likely k*** you in the morning."
@decisiveCucumber9460
*Of what little was done for you though perhaps imperfect.
If the willingness is there the gift is acceptable! :)
My story is different than yours.
I didn’t have a note. I didn’t have a plan. There were moments where I stopped walking in the sidewalk and stared at the street, contemplating how to end my life through an accident with no casualties except mine. Before that I didn’t feel happy or sad or mad. I was just there with no drive to continue the way I was going and feeling confused on why. Obligations turned to stones weighing me down eventually dragging me forward to the next day until it failed to make me stand at all.
One day the impulse struck further when my feelings hit me all at once.
I didn’t do it, and I don’t know why I stopped.
I went to the doctor. I went to the hospital. I’ve met each designated professional and they questioned and answered me the same way, and I continued to feel confused and hopeless. I cried. I’ve done what was familiar. I tried every practice to get me out until they deemed me more stable. After that I tried to read about my depression to cure myself a little more.
Yet, often I wonder why I’m still here when I feel the same way.
I know how to make it better; it’s the habits that make it hard to try again. I’ve read and heard all the basic things people say when confronted with this type of illness: get away from the negative people, write all things you’re grateful for, reach out more, it’ll all get better one day, etc.
I know how to get better. But sometimes I feel, and I remember this feeling, and it sticks to you like a leech.
I think I stopped that day because I wanted to try again. Maybe I’ll be happy with myself this time. But remember to treat yourself better than last time. Last time, you essentially wanted to kill yourself. This time, don’t be your own killer. Next time, treat yourself like you would a stranger. Be respectful. Be polite.
It’s not easy. It never is. Your emotions make you feel absolutely terrible, and the hardest thing to do is to accept that. Your emotions are strong because it’s you. You feel hurt and stressed, because something happened to you. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if it was big or just a small deal. It happened to you and now you feel.
I hope you know that there is at least one more person that feels just like you.
So I want to tell you this, “Good work, sleep well. Please live to wake up in the morning. Let’s talk again.”
Additionally, I commend you, cucumber, on the raspberry mousse! It is a great feat! And sounds really delicious. :)
2 Kings 17:15
They rejected his decrees and the covenant he had made with their fathers and the warnings he had given them. They followed worthless idols and themselves became worthless. They imitated the nations around them although the LORD had ordered them, "Do not do as they do," and they did the things the LORD had forbidden them to do.
"Life Lessons: God punishes sin, but he also promises restoration and healing."
There is no charge or condemnation for those who are in Christ.
I think it is beneficial to think of others. Volunteering helps get onself out of negative thoughts, looking for the interests of others helps, praying, blessing, doing good to those who hate us, answering kindly, bearing with, forgiving. Love must be sincere.
To the person who feels the same way:
"In your heart do not bear a grudge against your neighbor. Treat them as your own. Express grudge openly and frankly to not share in the sin." - losely quoted
It is also beneficial to know the past is in the past. Especially if one has resolved the sin holding to the past. If one has come to Christ. Not that all problems only exists in the past. However, there is great peace with Christ. Things that of course, I need work on. I have just come across this path. But, I have always heard persons suffer but have great peace, strength through suffering despite suffering when they believe in/on have faith in Christ.
Additionally, I am sorry my experience of being surrounded by negative others thereby causing a depression offended you. Of course, it is not everyone's experience. However, it is beneficial to ask the Lord why he has sent the mental health challenge, to cry out for a separation or at least a distance from it, and what brought it about? A parents inheritance, a lack of knowledge, through knowledge one is saved from the snares of satan, a following worthless idols thereby ourselves becoming worthless, the persecution that naturally comes for being a Christian, not holding self accountable, not taking personal responsability, not helping around the house, not confessing sin/admitting my folly, overweening ego, pride, concealing sin, lack of honesty, not being truthful, not admitting truth, not being able to admit my loneliness, weakness, need, poverty, poorness, ignorance, sinfulness, needing help, not being able to stand my truth be told to me, a dysfunctional family/addicted family/violent/aggresive family, abuse, sexual abuse, I would not know? That is what I struggle with.
Additionally, I am sorry truly for I know how I have been not meaning to. I have judged others a lot for things that just did not sit well with me. I have come across a lot of individuals who have depraved intentions as default because of our culture. Which still makes me at fault. That is not the gospel. That is not overcoming evil with good. The gospel is a rebuke frankly, sincerely, as one would their loved one not judge them, nor bear a grudge. Pray, bless, do good to those who hate, answer rebukingly (if must) kindly, bear with in the sense of keeping the peace, respectful relations, and boundaries and praying for thinking of what might help. Bearing with thereby means praying for those who persecute and what may help them, blessing those who curse us, answering as if one's loved one. Things that education: loving one another: the greatest command help with. Things that I am still working on. I understand how I am one of the persons who judged you in your time of need. I am very sorry. We are all sinners and at fault for the very same things for we once practiced them also. We were all born sinners. Again, I am very very sorry.
@decisiveCucumber9460
I pray to Him who is able to keep you from falling and present you before his glorious prescence without fault and great Joy to the only God our Savior who all glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Joshua our Mesiah and Lord, belong to before all ages, now, and forevermore, who "can give us much more than that"/than what we ever loose, who can save weather by many or few, who is the maker of both the poor and rich, the maker of all, who does not put to shame anyone who trusts in him, who provides for all the earth, who nothing is impossible and nothing can thwart his plans, who does not delight in the death of the wicked but in their repentence, who has compassion on those who keep his covenant and do not follow worthless idols, do not walk in the ways of the wicked, grant you a very good day or a very good restful night. Amen! Amen
To Velvit:
I am sorry it seems I am invalidating pain. All pain is valid. Everything has a cause and an effect. Apologies. I am not The Lord of all Creation to know everything. He can better inform you of everything. He is the source of all wisdom, understanding, power, the Maker of all, who forges all weapons, who works all things for his purposes. Works all things for the good of everyone.
I pray to Him who knit us in our mother's womb, who renews our strength each morning, who sustains us and awakens us once more each morning, who heals our diseases, who redeems our life from the pit, crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's, who will not always acuse nor harbors his anger forever, who brings about the rains, causes our plants to grow, blesses our harvests, forms the clouds sometimes in ways to cheer up, in who everyone has their being, whose love is better than life, who is abounding in love, who has unsearchable riches, who both calamity/disaster and fortune come from, who strengthens the weak, who helps those who believe in him and fear him soar on wings of eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not faint, who has compassion on us for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust, who will not disappoint grant you a very great day and/or restful night, too. Amen. Amen.
1 Peter 4:12-19
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; 13 but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation.
14 If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. 15 By no means let any of you suffer as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; 16 but if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not feel ashamed, but in that name let him glorify God.
17 For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And if it is with difficulty that the righteous is saved, what will become of the godless man and the sinner?19 Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.
Apologies. If it helps. 🙏
* I forgot
To Velvit:
I forgot other important struggles that I overlooked for they have been a long struggle and I need to find some other way/change my strategy/change my angle/find the root cause with the Holy Spirit/shift the paradigm/forget the past strain to what is ahead/the end is better than the beginning. They are as follows: I also struggle with sexual immorality: masturbated, fornicating to the point of aborting an unborn child, watching pornography, anal sex once, oral sex, hand jobs, boob sex, naked video call shows, phone sex, sex in public, sex in cars, cohabitating/open union, spending nights.
I have other huge struggles like what my parents watch on tv, most things on tv, public who smoke and sends me their smoke, others who send me their marijuana smoke, and other things in the same manner.
I do not know why he authorized that. I do ask the Lord why. Perhaps he will answer soon. I do not know. He will do what he will.
I thought it is important to not conceal any sin. For that is how they are fixed by bringing to light. Not that I meant concealment. It just slipped my mind for the latter struggles are more important to fix.
It is important to be transparent.
Apologies. May the Lord from who all our ability to produce, whom our fruitfulness comes from richly bless you. Amen. Amen.
@samara22
Better words to change outlook are:
Approach, broaden one's context, change headset, viewpoint, standpoint, point of view(s), regard, scene, view, mindset, frame of mind, belief, feelings/sentiments(which are thought/inculcated thereby one can change them, train self differently), inclination, mental state, opinion, philosophy, vantage point, where one is at, intention, direction, gimmick, leaning, stand, disposition, reaction, position, biases, say sos/like it is/values/philosophies, pre-thoughts/prejudices, standings, methods/blueprints, plan, advice, word, instruction, advocacy, mental outlook, manners, aid, prescription, counsel, teaching, information, input, advisement, analysis of things/view of things, picture, big picture, way of thinking, way of looking.
There are different motivations.
Any motivation is better than no motivation.
The two main groups motivation breaks into are intrinsic and extrinsic
There is inculcated motivation, the motivation one's parents inculcate.
There is acquired motivation the one we observe and would like to make use of.
Intrinsic motivation what is in our being.
In the process of forming one's motivation one test values before one accepts said type of motivation/value
In the process one formulates/works one's own motivation through life from inculcated/extrinsic/intrinsic/acquired, and other details I learned but forgot from a textbook I do not remember the title nor the author. Very sorry.
However, it is good to always question things. To investigate, research, learn, gain mastery of skill.
The bible, a good bible required church, no offense, and education be it formal or informal is essential.
In high school I learned I suppose most things to be able to write a research paper, the investigating/researching process, how to cite references, to make very handy use of a reference librarian, the libraries. Education especially alongside the bible is very essential to be aware of the saving truth of the Heavenly Father, to love one another, to rejoice be with good encouraging company away from negative influences, be it music, vain values, covetings, or seeking the approval of everyone and everything else, and belonging to everyone with and with everything else but the Heavenly Father that will only lead to destruction.
It is good to volunteer, get one's head away from the rut of negativity or a problem, to think of all other human beings around the world and how one can think of them for a bit and their perseverance/optimism through struggles as well and gain a new appreciation for everything and gratefulness for them.
One learns to distinguish between good and evil by putting the good in constant use, the Law of the Spirit of Life who is Love into constant use. Who overcomes evil with good, who is always set about carrying out what is good.
Very sorry. I am no one to tell anyone.
@decisiveCucumber9460
Going to The Author and Perfector of our faith who loves because he is Love, in who everyone and everything has their being, the Commander and Chief of everything, and everyone, the source of all understanding, wisdom, and power, who works all things for his will might (reality:can. nothing is impossible for him. Working on relationship with him will make sense of everything. He does not do our will but gives the desires of our hearts good things when we delight in his commands/ when we carry put his commands, which his commands are our life) help you.
Acts 17:24-31 NIV
“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ “Therefore since we are God’s offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by human design and skill. In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to everyone by raising him from the dead.”
May the Lord of existence, apart from it, time, experience, and scope, who loves aboundingly, who blesses all Creation, granting wisdom without finding fault to those who put their trust, believe on/in him, who loves us not because we love him, nor for who we are, nor for what we have done, who loves us and sent his son to redeem us despite us being sinners and imperfect (who we are)and hating him and killing his only son(what we have done) grant you a restful night. Amen. Amen. Amen.
@decisiveCucumber9460
Bondage Breaker. Victory over darkness by Neil T. Anderson might help.
@decisiveCucumber9460
180065BIBLE
Can help you find help near you.
@decisiveCucumber9460
I think it really helpful to gather at a Christian Church near me.
Why Your Life Sucks by Alan Cohen might be helpful.
To resolve emotional and relational difficulties one has is essential.
He is a Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father, Mighty God. (Isaiah 9:6,7)
The Source of all wisdom counsel, victory and strength. (Job 12:13,16)
Do you have a job?
Volunteering fills the soul. Makes you see others' are also suffering, in need and optimistic.
A thing I also have difficulty with swallowing my dignant pride, not humbling myself and overcoming evil with good. Being kind to those I have difficult relations with, who are very mean to me. Answering kindly is difficult. Not cutting my nose despite my face is difficult.
Currently I have been just wasting away because of all I cannot forgive and always blame others, project to others, victimize myself for everything.
And other things I must pray to the Heavenly Father always about, abusive toxic relationships that are related to me that I must cut off.
And I must be diligent, overcome, and never give up.
Are your relationships with your family good?
With your friends?
Be good to yourself. Surround yourself with positivity. Positive activities. Participate in noble causes. Raspberry moose is a fine skill that takes practice, perseverance, belief, faith, love, patience, skill, the Heavenly Father's love to make.
Never give up.
Do not ever give up.
In this world we will have trouble. Take heart he has already overcome the world. (John 16:33)
Gathering with positive others a faithful Christian Church is very essential. Where positivity gathers. (Hebrews 10:23-25) After all he is in control of all things. All history of mankind is his doing, his story.
We all chase after clothes, food, shelter, but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all things will be added. (Matthew 6:25-34)
He is the Father of the harrased. (Matthew 9:36)
He is the Source of love. When needing love one must go to it/him. We love for he first loved us. (1 John 4:19, 10)
And professional help is great, too. Christian Counselors are of great help.
All these things that I must do myself as well.
