I'm miserable, I'm self sabotaging and destroying relationships

I just hate so much right now. I'm so miserable and angry and I cry more than I'd like to admit anymore.

I've gained a lot of weight over the last couple years and I HATE myself. I don't even want to look in the mirror. I refuse to take pictures, etc.

I'm in a toxic work environment that I'm trying really hard to get out of, but every day I still have to go there I feel myself slipping more and more. I used to LOVE the field I was in, I couldn't wait to go to work and I started working at this current location in January and I've gotten to the point where I dread work every day. I absolutely hate it, I'm even considering leaving this field permenately because of this place. I go to work angry and come home angry every single day.

I'm also in college while working full time. I'm failing one of my classes terribly. And I can't myself to study or try harder. I'm so tired all the time. And I'm so angry all the time. It's taking every ounce of energy I have and I just can't do it.

I'be tried reducing or cutting out relationships that werent healthy for me. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a month and a half. From the outside, my relationship with them was fine, but people don't know the amount of gaslighting and judgment and overall negative things that happened behind the "perfect suburban family" curtain. I couldn't get myself to see them anymore so I just stopped. And although I feel it's best for me, I feel guilty and other aspects of my life are just making things worse on top of the guilt.

The past 2 days, I've been fighting with my boyfrined a lot. We live together and he's the love of my life but my anger keeps making things worse and he doesn't understand that some of the things he says don't help. We've had neighbor complaints about my dog barking and her doggy day care is no longer available, so I was stressed about getting her care during my double shifts. He wasn't helping and I got snippy. He knows my stress but told me I was "being highly aggressive." I didn't apprciate that and got extremely upset. Then I was trying to figure out what to do with the class I'm failing and instead of stopping to listen to me, in a dismissive tone he said, "I dont know. Just try harder."

I just feel so alone. I can't afford therapy, but know I need it. I feel like I don't have a support system anymore. Work used to be my safe space because I could just focus on other things but now its such an unhealthy environment, I just don;t know what to do anymore.