I'm fine, and then I'm not.

Warning: If you get triggered by sad things, don't read this please. Also, this is just my venting of my feelings and I am in no way actively suicidal or in danger.

One moment I'll be fine, and then the next it's like my whole body is under water. Like I'm drowning in sadness. I can't find a way to tread above the water and I just keep sinking further and further into the dark nothingness.

It's at the same time when I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

And the same thoughts go through my head over and over again. "I want to kill myself" "Nobody loves you" "What's the point?" "When will this end?" "Maybe I should do it" "But your family would miss you." "Would they really miss me?" It never stops. It gets even worse the moment my head hits my pillow because not only are my thoughts racing and on repeat, but now my body won't rest. I fidget and my whole body bounces. No matter how much I try to relax, I can't and I'm so so tired. Eventually after at least an hour of my relentless depressing thoughts, I fall asleep. But it's not as calming as it should be.

Sleep used to be such an amazing escape,

but now it's dreaded. The dreams are weird and random. While I know they aren't real, sometimes they scare me so much that I will think about them all day the next day.

It's a viscous cycle and while what I am feeling has no reason to it other than depression, I can't seem to accept the fact that I am depressed. Because accepting that would mean something is wrong with me. Because that would mean that I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life. And that would make me feel doomed.