I'm fine, and then I'm not.
Warning: If you get triggered by sad things, don't read this please. Also, this is just my venting of my feelings and I am in no way actively suicidal or in danger. 
One moment I'll be fine, and then the next it's like my whole body is under water. Like I'm drowning in sadness. I can't find a way to tread above the water and I just keep sinking further and further into the dark nothingness.
It's at the same time when I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
And the same thoughts go through my head over and over again. "I want to kill myself" "Nobody loves you" "What's the point?" "When will this end?" "Maybe I should do it" "But your family would miss you." "Would they really miss me?" It never stops. It gets even worse the moment my head hits my pillow because not only are my thoughts racing and on repeat, but now my body won't rest. I fidget and my whole body bounces. No matter how much I try to relax, I can't and I'm so so tired. Eventually after at least an hour of my relentless depressing thoughts, I fall asleep. But it's not as calming as it should be.
Sleep used to be such an amazing escape,
but now it's dreaded. The dreams are weird and random. While I know they aren't real, sometimes they scare me so much that I will think about them all day the next day.
It's a viscous cycle and while what I am feeling has no reason to it other than depression, I can't seem to accept the fact that I am depressed. Because accepting that would mean something is wrong with me. Because that would mean that I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life. And that would make me feel doomed.
@darkwaterfalls, I think your post describing the maelstrom of thoughts and feelings is relatable to anyone who have or had depressive episode. And I think adding images is a nice touch to visualize our struggle. Thank you for sharing!
Sending all of my best wishes for the peaceful weekend!
@darkwaterfalls It's great you spoke out about how you're feeling! Don't forget we're all here to support you :) x
@darkwaterfalls
I have felt the same before. All I can do is keep pushing forward. So much of our mental health is tied to our ways of thinking. I try every day to stay in the positive, even if it's difficult, even if it doesn't improve my mood. Slowly, very slowly sometimes, I see progress towards a more peaceful way of being. Changing your thinking takes time, and I wish you the best of luck in overcoming this. Thank you for sharing this, I agree the pictures are very creative.
@darkwaterfalls Thank you for sharing this. You are so strong and really created a great visual of what this struggle looks like. I am proud of you for taking the step to share your journey!
