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darkwaterfalls
197,740 M Achieving Goals 9
PathStep 186 Compassion hearts961 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes48 Current upvotes48 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 13, 2015
Bio
“What I had begun to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the grey drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”
― William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness
Recent forum posts
The Little Blue Pill (Trigger Warning)
Depression Support / by darkwaterfalls
Last post
 August 1st, 2017
...See more The Little Blue Pill Yes, that one. The one that is supposed to make me feel better, even though it's color represents the opposite feeling of happy The Little Blue Pill that I take every night before bed. The one that makes my head hurt The one that makes me anxious The one that signifies that I'm not alright. It's more than just a pill. It's a treatment. Because I am sick. No matter how much I don't want to admit it No matter how much I don't want to believe it I. Am. Sick. Depression is an illness, and denying that is not going to help me get better. Denying it is just going to invalidate my feelings, the ones I cannot control. It's an illness of the mind, and no matter how badly I just want it to go away, it won't. That Little Blue Pill that I mentioned, it doesn't start out with helping. It starts with making you wish you were dead, It starts with making you feel like you just want to end it all. But once you think you can't take anymore, It all changes. You begin to feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. You begin to feel like you can breathe again. You start to feel like your normal self, whatever that means for you now. Everything is different, and for once that is not a bad thing. It isn't a miracle that you suddenly feel better. It isn't a mistake. It's the little blue pill. At first it made me feel worse, and any change to the dose will make me feel that way again. But in the long run, It does help. Even though I wanted to do it on my own, it's okay that I wasn't able to. It wasn't something that I could fix on my own. I shouldn't be ashamed to have needed help or to have gotten it. I am sick, and there is no reason I should be ashamed of it.
I'm fine, and then I'm not.
Depression Support / by darkwaterfalls
Last post
 March 7th, 2017
...See more Warning: If you get triggered by sad things, don't read this please. Also, this is just my venting of my feelings and I am in no way actively suicidal or in danger. One moment I'll be fine, and then the next it's like my whole body is under water. Like I'm drowning in sadness. I can't find a way to tread above the water and I just keep sinking further and further into the dark nothingness. It's at the same time when I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. And the same thoughts go through my head over and over again. "I want to kill myself" "Nobody loves you" "What's the point?" "When will this end?" "Maybe I should do it" "But your family would miss you." "Would they really miss me?" It never stops. It gets even worse the moment my head hits my pillow because not only are my thoughts racing and on repeat, but now my body won't rest. I fidget and my whole body bounces. No matter how much I try to relax, I can't and I'm so so tired. Eventually after at least an hour of my relentless depressing thoughts, I fall asleep. But it's not as calming as it should be. Sleep used to be such an amazing escape, but now it's dreaded. The dreams are weird and random. While I know they aren't real, sometimes they scare me so much that I will think about them all day the next day. It's a viscous cycle and while what I am feeling has no reason to it other than depression, I can't seem to accept the fact that I am depressed. Because accepting that would mean something is wrong with me. Because that would mean that I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life. And that would make me feel doomed.
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