I just need to vent

Trigger warning: Sh, negative talk, su*c*d@1 ideations

Hi guys, it’s been really hard to cope lately.

I’ve been dealing with depression for almost 9 years now (I’m almost 20)

I feel like the time stopped years ago and now I’m just imagining what it would be like if it never stopped, and this life that I keep living is all inside of my head and I can never find a way out.

I keep dissociating, wondering constantly how real everything is, how real are my thoughts and my actions.

This year has been one of the worst , I feel like I lost myself.

I don’t care enough about living, my social life as well as my academic one are only getting worse.

I’ve been drinking a lot, partying, and engaging in risky behavior.

I thought that this year would be different, I restarted my medication 3 months ago, but stopped taking it because I wasn’t feeling good.

Last week I just wanted to find something to live for, so I decided to go to London with my friends, the trip was great which made everything worse.

I have caring parents (they don’t recognize depression as an illness, but they are trying at least), I have good friends (despite having a fall out with one some of them), I have a stable life, and I was supposedly majoring in something that I love (Video game development).

Even though everything in my life is going well, I just kept feeling worse. And I am so exhausted, I am trying so so hard.

But I just feel like I can’t even breathe.

Self harming has been my plank of salvation, I don’t know what to do anymore.