I just need someone to give a crap
My son and his wife have split up. They've got 2 small boys. I just found this out yesterday, right before work. I've been crying this afternoon about it.
After trying to calm down, I started crying again, and SO says, "Oh, don't start that again." This is after my closest friend gives me a condescending lecture via email about how I can't do anything about it. My son says he doesn't want to talk about it and wants privacy, which I totally understand. But, where and to whom can I have these overwhelming emotions?? I feel like I'm behind a steel door in a room that I've been locked in by the people I love the most. I hate being treated like a child instead of supported. It pisses me off.
My daughter-in-law was the one holding the whole famliy together. She's very thoughtful and communicative. Now that they've split, I am afraid that my closed-mouth son will pass next to nothing on to me about the grand-kids. My daugher-in-law had always sent us pics of the kids, and that has stopped fairly recently. The littlest one is only a year, and I don't think my son is the type to be able to handle both kids for a 4 hour drive alone to our house. Not that I'll literally never see the kids again, but this is just such a sad and tragic change. I feel like they are throwing so much away.
Note: Moved from Community Leadership Team to General Threads
@fearlessOak3002 I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter-in-law. She sounds like she offered a lot of outreach and inclusion. That will be missed from what you say.
With all that you are going through, no wonder you feel not cared about. But remember people here do care about you. It may not be the same, but it is enough to keep me going on. Hope you find some of that too.
@soulsings, Thank you. I do believe, in my more positive moments, that everything that happens can teach lessons. I guess there is a reason for this.
@fearlessOak3002 I am glad you are sharing. In my life I did not often see the reason for things until much later in life. The things I struggled with made me stronger. That may be hard to hear now but wait and see.
Just express what is in your heart and after the pain will arrive what is waiting to express itself. I am listening.
@soulsings, thank you SO much! I'm the same -- I often don't realize the reason for things until much later. As I get older, I am continually amazed at how "not-together" I still am. I thought I'd have it all figured out by now.
@fearlessOak3002 In mindfulness training that we do here at 7cups, there is an idea called "beginners mind" that conveys the thought that when we live in this moment we are always beginners in the sense of we are acting in this moment not relying on the past. We keep the wisdom of the past but are not a passenger on the thought train but alive and well and aware in this moment of more than we ever imagined possible.
@fearlessOak3002 We are all here, and each of us has an open ear to listen to whatver you'd like to say. Please always feel free to air your worries, concerns, and moments of sadness on 7 Cups.
WITH ONE CONDITION! You have to share with us some of the good times too! We love those even more.
Much love to you in your struggles. <3
@ladylazarus1971, Awww! Thank you!! I did talk to the other grandmother of my grand-kids today. She is hurting as much as i am, and we have promised to be there for each other and to make time to do things together with the kids. I think that alone will be a great improvement.
@fearlessOak3002 Sounds like you're building a family support system for yourself and others. That's really fantastic!
@fearlessOak3002, I'm really sad to hear about the separation in your family. It is a most distressing event, not only for the couple itself, but also to the whole family. It changes its general dynamic, it makes you feel uncertain about the future and worry about the wellbeing of the people you care so much about. And it makes you feel so powerless, because you can do nothing to go back again to the past relationships.
I'm sorry that you feel left alone in expressing your feelings. But know, lovely, you have every right to grief. You have every right to feel low and heartbroken. You have every right to feel angry. You can cry how much you wanted. You need space and time to re-think and to adjust to the new situation and that's absolutely okay. Everyone copes with the situation differently, but don't feel pressured to hide your feelings. Do your best to understand your feelings, to notice the thoughts which makes you feel anxious or negative and uncover their foundation.
Grief, lovely, because it's your family. Grief how long you need to, because there are no deadlines for those things. Grief, but don't despair. Trust that your family members are acting in their best interest. If people around you don't feel comfortable in talking about that specific topic, seek out support elsewhere. Know that here, in 7 Cups, you will always found understanding. We will always have time for you.
There is a good section on helpguide.org website with lots of practical advice if you're looking for additional resource (still helpful even if you're not the one who breaks up). There is also the Divorce category in Relationship Sub-community. Still, know that you are more than welcome in Depression Support. I'm proud how you use your support network to seek the deserved assistance. Dealing with family issues while caring for your own mental health is really challenging, but it's not impossible. Don't forget about your self-care, lovely.
*hugs*
Oh, @Celaeno! You really understand!
While I'm sorry the other grandmother is greiving as much as I am, I'm glad there is someone else who truly understands my grief and how sad the situation really is.
New traditions and new rituals will need to be built and I need time to grieve the passing of the old ones. I'm also, frankly, now greiving the fact that 2 of the people I thought were closest to me, are not comfortable with my greiving, and seem to chalk it up to my not knowing any better. That's hard.
I am all about support. I've had good support in the past, and I really appreciate your welcoming me and pointing me in the right direction.