I just don't what to do anymore.

Since starting this thread, I really tried to pick things up - I made more of an effort to take care of my wellbeing, I started focusing on finishing school again, I even told 2 of my friends that I had depression. I don't know what happened. I got sick of my room being so dark and depressing that I decided to decorate and now I can't even stand to open the blinds anymore. Today is the 3rd day in a row that I've stayed home from school. I have an assignment that I need to present tomorrow (a monologue that I haven't even practiced once), all my exams, none of which I have studied for, are starting this Thursday and I'm positive that my least favourite teacher is going to chase me up tomorrow about a missing assignment that was due today (you can bet your ass that's not done either). My mum is on my back about my refusal to go and keeps telling me to decide if I want to quit school or not. She thinks that I'm staying home because I've been staying up late and haven't been sleeping enough. Sleep certainly is not a contributing factor to the many reasons why I personally don't want to go to school: it all feels pointless, it gives me anxiety - I'm majorly behind in schoolwork of course, I feel unbearably uncomfortable when I leave the house (my insecurity's worsened to the point where I HAVE to wear the same bulky jacket outside no matter how hot it is - it's physically draining), all day at school I feel like I'm repressing the urge to scream whatever I'm thinking and leave and most importantly - every time I'm in a classroom I keep thinking nonstop about depressing things that I don't want to think about and learning is NOT a distraction. I try thinking about something else (e.g. the lyrics to a song) but that distracts me from learning so honestly what is the point?!

I've been fantasising about suicide again and in addition to occasionally biting into my hand (a painful habit I do when I'm emotionally overwhelmed) I've started to pull at my hair. At the moment, I feel more empty and fed-up than sad. I used to believe that people couldn't understand me because I didn't give them the chance to. But quite recently I accepted the belief that no one around me really can understand me. They don't want to. They're only interested in my problems to satisfy their job or their curiosity. They put up a false sense of trust and reliability just so they can see me at my weakest and undermine me and the way I feel. I tried opening up to someone who I thought could help me. She asked me one question, "Are you taking medication for it?", to which I answered no. Then she completely dismissed the topic and went on to lecture me about the importance of school, blabbing useless encouragements like, "It (school) is almost over!". That was the last straw for me. I've tried. Believe me, I have. I've tried to tell people. I've tried to seek help. And what did the people I trusted do? One laughed at me and used it to bully me whilst the rest of them either told me I was "okay" and forgot about it or avoided the topic altogether. My mind won't shut up and I feel like I'm going insane. "Quit school and kill yourself. No one understands you. Even when school finishes what are you going to do? There's nothing to live for." So much has changed for me in these past 4 years. I used to dream of going to university. First I wanted to be a lawyer, then a surgeon, now I don't want to be anything - nothing interests me. I truly have no goal in life. 5 years have passed and I still strongly believe that I don't want any children. Love doesn't interest me. Death seems like such a blessing.

I'm sorry for making such a long and whiny post.

I decided to try and get help. I'm going to show this thread to my Mum. I figure that would be the best way for me to explain it. Mum? I'm sorry for being like this but I can't help it. I've tried to cope till now but I can't anymore

I saw a doctor today about my depression. I'm thankful to myself for having typed everything I planned to say onto my iPod. Though it was originally supposed to be for me to read off of, my voice started quivering straight away and I had to ask him to read it himself. I couldn't stop shaking and did end up crying a bit, but I feel like my thoughts successfully got across. He booked another appointment to see me early Monday, made me promise that I'll be ok over the weekend and gave me some Valium tablets to help me relax.

I'm a little concerned about how my Mum is dealing with this. I know she worries for me and wants to support me, but I still haven't found the courage to directly talk to her about this, and I know that she has some misconceptions about depression. For example, she believes there HAS to be a reason for why someone's depressed. It's worrisome, especially as I battle with the fear of being misunderstood like many other people, but I'm hopeful that we'll be able to properly discuss my depression someday.

@calmCup1821, I wasn't here for the past week, and so much happened in your life. And I mean it in a good way ^^

You've decided to be proactive with you depression and it was the best action you could ever take. Depression tries to deceive us that we are worthless, that we should just give up, that maybe this despair is normal, and only we from the entire human kind cannot cope with it. It is sneaky, tries to convince you that maybe you are overreacting, that everything is hopeless, because you just feel hopeless, but it is not true. Our feelings are just feelings, they are not a reality. Thoughts just are. You knew better, you've reached out for help.

Dearest, I'm so proud of you.

I know how much energy it took from you to tell your Mum and book an appointment with a doctor, but it was so brave! Reaching out is incredible hard when you are depressed, and overcoming your fears and doubts is an amazing achievement. You're my hero, lovely.

From here, I believe you can win with your depression. You are more than medical term, more than your struggle. You can be anything you want. School can wait. Studies can wait. But your mind is precious and you need to take care of it. Learn as much as you can about this illness in general, but also be vigilant about your own state, because depression is personal and it differs from person to person.

Be an expert on yourself. Equip as best as you can with various tools to fight with it.

I believe in you.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

I feel like I can't rely on anyone at the moment. My mum, who I thought would be most supportive of me, has been against me ever since I told her I was quitting school. Months ago I asked her how she would feel if I were to quit and she told me she'd support me! Yet, after I decided to actually do it, she was nothing but dissuading and unsupportive, telling me repeatedly that I'm making the wrong choice and that things are only gonna get harder. She's misjudging my depression, complaining about money all the time, and she's always angry/frustrated with me. The first time I went to the doctor, he gave me some Valium to calm down. The follow-up appointment, he diagnosed me with a mix of anxiety and depression, gave me a prescription for an antidepressant called Valdoxan, a mental health care plan, and the number for a real psychologist. My Mum thinks I should just keep taking Valium (I still have a few pills left) and that I should go see a therapist for free at a place called Headspace. Believe me, I've looked into them - not that great a place. Even my GP thinks poorly of the place and told me that they wouldn't be able to give me the help I need. I haven't got my own money (so far, can't afford the antidepressants or the psychologist appointment), I have no one who I can really depend on right now, getting help is becoming impossible. Why does my Mum complain about money so much only when it comes to me!? I've never asked for anything! Instead, she spends money on her beer, smokes, and my bitchy little sister who's never satisfied. My sister is 14, hasn't gone to school in 3 weeks, and so my Mum bought her a fucking XBox! Where is the sense in that!? And it doesn't stop there. Sis wants clothes, she wants piercings, she wants more games, she wants a bag of desserts and snacks every time we go shopping and Mum gives her all of it!

TRIGGER WARNING

A few days ago I started cutting myself. I know I shouldn't but it honestly feels great whenever I do it. I had thoughts about cutting for years but never acted because I was too scared of people finding out. And what did that lead to? A dependent habit of biting myself so hard that I don't know what hurts more: my hand or my teeth/gums. My gums are sore all of the time and, also thanks to my Mum, I haven't been to a dentist in around 7 years. So I did it. My little sister triggered the first two cuts. Lately everything she says to me hurts me so much that I can't get past it. Biting myself wasn't helping either. She always invites herself into my room and refuses to leave, gets defensive and angry for no reason, and takes it out on me. The other night out of nowhere she said to me, "Boo-hoo~ I'm depressed~ I should just kill myself~". That's the type of person I'm around every single day.

When I cut myself, my pain disappeared and I felt so much better. I felt empowered, like I had overcome something. I felt strong, as if my life was truly in my own hands for the first time and that I could now end it whenever I want to. I really want to end it all already. I'm holding that razor and thinking about it every night. The only thing I'm holding on to now is the hope of getting better, but that hope is dissipating quickly. At this point, the idea of my family finding my dead body doesn't concern me, I'll be gone anyways. I'm sorry guys. This site feels like all I have now.

Lovely @calmCup1821, how are you feeling lately? How's your mood and school? I hope past weeks were a bit kinder to you, despite all of the struggle.

I'd love to hear from you. Sending you my best wishes!