I feel nothing and it bothers me, but maybe I dont want to...

I have anxiety and some depression, I guess for being lonely for so long. I have episodes of "feeling well" that come and go that can last months but it always goes back to the same and it always feels the same. The point is that I have been trying to understand why even though I have people that clearly love me and care about me I cannot feel them. Is like with enough pressure a void was created on me and now I'm always empty even if something good occasionally happens is just gets sucked.

I always feel like I'm acting, never felt I've had a name of my own (I'm nonbinary and haven't found a name that feels right for me), is like I dont exist somehow, I've been loosing interest on studying, working, even find a partner that was like my life objective at some point. I'm not a bad person but for some reason I think it hasn't bring me any good. I feel like I want to punch someone or say horrible things and harm them so they can fight me back, or that something bad happen to me because in some level I kind of want it. Probably I don't know what I'm saying, I used to feel anger and impotence almost like an archrivalry with some people (mi bullies, my mom, my teachers) but now I just cannot do that because I'm essentially not a bad person, but maybe I need to get angry and think bad because that made me feel better and act to improve myself. I cannot do that anymore and just makes me feel misserable. I feel like I have to demostrate myself with others that I'm something and it's frustrating and makes me anxious not knowing what is happening.

But at the same time I feel like I really dont want to care either. is just that: justify. Do I really not care or do I? Everytime I feel like I care about something or want to be better and stronger is not that I want to but I need to do it to prove myself worthy, therefore is not actually getting what I really want. I don't know what I want. I'm a plus one minus one.

I feel detached. I don't empathyse too much with people. I feel uncomfortable roleplaying as a human in videogames for example, is like is not me. It was not much of a problem before because I though everything would change with time as I got older but it's just the same.

Am I loosing it? Does anyone has something like this? Is it actually bad that I dont feel because to me it feels more like I'm trying too hard to adapt and be more like what I'm suppose to be or feel like. I'm so confused...