I feel like such a loser
Just the fact that I'm posting my feelings to invisible people because I don't have anyone in the real world confirms my belief that I'm the world's bigggest loser and screw up.
I'm not a teen or even 20 something- I should have my life more together. But obviously, I don't. Making friends and connecting with people is harder as you get older, I know that. People have their own lives and families and less time for friends. But somehow others manage to connect with people, develop friendships and support system and I can't. I can't manage to connect with people any more than on the most casual superficial level. I go to Meetups and other events like art openings and usually feel invisible. And when I'm uncomfortable or ill at ease, I tend to retreat and pull back within myself, which I know doesn't help. Social anxiety is such fun.
I have one real world 'friend' and she's a rather self centred person who I don't believe I can rely on. I've been there for her in assorted crises- but there isn't reciprocation. I do have some long distance friends/acquaintences I email regularly, and I interact with people on a forum I belong to- but it's not the same thing. And even on the forum- I don't feel fully accepted or that people pay attention to things I post the way they do for some of the others.
My core belief is that no one really gives a damn about me or wants to know me- and it keeps being confirmed with every time I'm ignored and every rejection. The thing is- I know I'm a good person and a good friend- but it feelslike there's an invisible wall between me and the rest of the world. The fact I don't have kids, a dog, a normal 9-5 job or do church doesn't make things easier.
I just feel totally alone, insignificant, unimportant and unwanted. And I don't know how to change things.
I can relate to a lot of these feelings. I came to this site because I felt alone, with nobody "in real life" to turn to - and I'm married! Please know that you are as valuable, as entitled to happiness, as anyone else. Be patient with yourself, be kind. We tend to be incredibly cruel to yourself - one thing that helped me was to make it a rule that I couldn't refer to myself using language I would not use with someone I admire (I keep in mind a specific real person for this). I hope you can find ways to be kinder to yourself. I've had some success using ideas and exercises from http://self-compassion.org/ - ideas I pursued mainly because, when I first encountered them, I had an immediate, visceral, negative reaction. "Self-compassion? NO, that is not for someone like me - I am a loser and deserve to suffer." I decided that there was a message in that reaction, and that it was a sign I need to explore further.
Social anxiety is no fun either. It took me a lot of targeted CBT work to improve, but I'm always going to tend to withdraw rather than seek social situations. Just know that behaviors can change if you want them to and can find a good way to work on them. It's not a life sentence!