I don’t know what to do with myself. TW for self deprecation, lots of F-bombs, sui and SH mention

I’m just gonna rant with no structure sorry if this is unreadable. Lately my life is going great. I’m domestically partnered, I’m kind of on my girlfriend’s insurance, I don’t have to pay rent, I don’t have to buy food, I’m making art at my own pace and doing pretty much whatever I want. But I feel like fucking trash constantly. For no reason. I’m better than I was in highschool and college, I don’t c*t anymore or try to k*ll myself, but I feel so fucking angry all the time. And I don’t know why. I’m just pissed off. I keep thinking about the fight I had with my sister which was in December of last year, or the 6 year friendship I broke off around the same time, and I have so many feelings I have no idea what to do with them. My mom is a therapist and she gave me this whole spiel of like sectioning my feelings into different parts and finding their purpose but whenever I get upset I am so uncontrollably pissed off and sad and anxious and fucking irrationally emotional that I can’t think. Like my brain never fucking shuts off. Never. It’s just 24/7 repeating the same line of whichever song I heard last over “I’m a piece of shit”, “why am I like this” and “what should I have for dinner” like it’s never fucking quiet. And sometimes I wish I could just d*e for a day so I could just be alone and at peace but at the same time I’m terrified of death and I don’t want to d*e at all and I’m so on edge constantly that the littlest things set me off and make me completely shut down. I can’t talk, I can’t think coherent thoughts, I can’t process my emotions, I just shut down. And then I get mad at my girlfriend who does nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve the silent treatment but I know if I say anything I’ll just make it worse because I’m a shitty person and she deserves better. I don’t know why I’m like this but I’m terrible. I’m a fucking awful person. I don’t deserve to be al*ve. I tried to call to make an appointment with a psychiatrist today and I failed to because I got confused and then hung up and cried and then my girlfriend had to talk on the phone with our insurance instead of me because I’m so fucking incompetent and shitty and I’m almost 22 and can’t do anything adults can do. Like I was supposed to get an ID the other day and I went through all the trouble of taking the train into town and waiting in line and I was so fucking falsely confident only to get turned away because I didn’t have the right paperwork and that always happens to me every time I try to do something mature or adult like. I feel like at this point in my life I’m a teenager because during my teen years I was a kid and during my childhood I was a fucking monster just trying to survive with my shitty abusive family and my shitty bipolar brain. I have so much unresolved trauma and at this point in my life I don’t think it’ll ever get better. I’m so fucking hopeless and useless and stupid and I try so hard to get better and to love myself at the bare fucking minimum but all I do is take one step forward and ten steps back. I hate myself, I have to admit it that I still fucking hate myself and don’t deserve to be al*ve. I don’t even know what brought this on I literally have no idea why I’m so upset all the time there’s no reason for me to be upset I do nothing all day there’s no reason for me to be upset.