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littlepurpleflower
145 M Embraced 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceJune 1, 2021
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I don’t know what to do with myself. TW for self deprecation, lots of F-bombs, sui and SH mention
Depression Support / by littlepurpleflower
Last post
 July 22nd, 2021
...See more I’m just gonna rant with no structure sorry if this is unreadable. Lately my life is going great. I’m domestically partnered, I’m kind of on my girlfriend’s insurance, I don’t have to pay rent, I don’t have to buy food, I’m making art at my own pace and doing pretty much whatever I want. But I feel like fucking trash constantly. For no reason. I’m better than I was in highschool and college, I don’t c*t anymore or try to k*ll myself, but I feel so fucking angry all the time. And I don’t know why. I’m just pissed off. I keep thinking about the fight I had with my sister which was in December of last year, or the 6 year friendship I broke off around the same time, and I have so many feelings I have no idea what to do with them. My mom is a therapist and she gave me this whole spiel of like sectioning my feelings into different parts and finding their purpose but whenever I get upset I am so uncontrollably pissed off and sad and anxious and fucking irrationally emotional that I can’t think. Like my brain never fucking shuts off. Never. It’s just 24/7 repeating the same line of whichever song I heard last over “I’m a piece of shit”, “why am I like this” and “what should I have for dinner” like it’s never fucking quiet. And sometimes I wish I could just d*e for a day so I could just be alone and at peace but at the same time I’m terrified of death and I don’t want to d*e at all and I’m so on edge constantly that the littlest things set me off and make me completely shut down. I can’t talk, I can’t think coherent thoughts, I can’t process my emotions, I just shut down. And then I get mad at my girlfriend who does nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve the silent treatment but I know if I say anything I’ll just make it worse because I’m a shitty person and she deserves better. I don’t know why I’m like this but I’m terrible. I’m a fucking awful person. I don’t deserve to be al*ve. I tried to call to make an appointment with a psychiatrist today and I failed to because I got confused and then hung up and cried and then my girlfriend had to talk on the phone with our insurance instead of me because I’m so fucking incompetent and shitty and I’m almost 22 and can’t do anything adults can do. Like I was supposed to get an ID the other day and I went through all the trouble of taking the train into town and waiting in line and I was so fucking falsely confident only to get turned away because I didn’t have the right paperwork and that always happens to me every time I try to do something mature or adult like. I feel like at this point in my life I’m a teenager because during my teen years I was a kid and during my childhood I was a fucking monster just trying to survive with my shitty abusive family and my shitty bipolar brain. I have so much unresolved trauma and at this point in my life I don’t think it’ll ever get better. I’m so fucking hopeless and useless and stupid and I try so hard to get better and to love myself at the bare fucking minimum but all I do is take one step forward and ten steps back. I hate myself, I have to admit it that I still fucking hate myself and don’t deserve to be al*ve. I don’t even know what brought this on I literally have no idea why I’m so upset all the time there’s no reason for me to be upset I do nothing all day there’s no reason for me to be upset.
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My girlfriend games too much
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by littlepurpleflower
Last post
 June 19th, 2021
...See more I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the amount of gaming my girlfriend does. I don’t know whether or not to talk to her about it because I don’t want to discourage her from something that brings her joy and I also feel like I’m overreacting and being immature about it. I weighed the pros and cons on my notes app so I’ll copy and paste that here: Pros and cons of sky’s gaming Cons: Plays wow way too much and for way too long - Every day as soon as she’s done with work until about 2 AM - Once chose to play instead of have dinner - Sits at the computer without stretching, drinking, or standing for hours Makes a lot of noise - noisy keyboard - Noisy clicking - Weird suppressed laugh thing - Dropping her ring or pencil repeatedly - Noisy chewing - Sometimes I can hear it over my noise cancelling headphones Is totally engrossed and not paying attention to anything else - Many times I’ve been literally sobbing in front of her and she won’t notice - I’ll try to tell her something and she doesn’t seem interested or pays attention to what I have to say - Ill tell her dinner is ready and have to wait an extra 20 minutes before we can sit and eat - I’ll need to talk to her about something urgent and she always tells me to wait - Sometimes I need help with something and she seems to not care or won’t try to help when gaming - Doesn’t check her phone but that’s nothing out of the ordinary tbh - Seems kind of unhealthy because she doesn’t seem to do much else in terms of hobbies these days - Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t care about me or anything else for that matter when she’s gaming Also I feel kind of left out because I don’t understand the references she makes or the stories she tells about it. It’s just something I can’t seem to understand or get into that she cares a lot about. Pros: Way for her to de-stress during stressful times - When she was working and doing school she started playing - Plays a lot when she’s at her parent’s house She seems passionate about it - draws art for it - Always talks about it - Making new characters with cool backstories and such A way to connect with people - when she couldn’t see friends due to COVID she seemed to get really involved with the gnome crew - She’s in a gnome group chat - Always on twitter/masto making new friends - Meeting people in game as well Seems to genuinely be a big source of joy for her and I don’t want to ruin that - always talking about fun antics that happen in game - Made a lot of friends through wow I looked online to see if other people had similar issues and it was all straight couples talking about how “gaming makes men feel more connected to their masculinity and their fragile wives need attention 24/7 so they hate it” so generally, nothing helpful. I was wondering if any other wlw couples had similar issues? I don’t want her to completely stop playing WoW, i don’t think that just because it’s a video game that it’s harmful or not a real hobby, I really like that she’s so involved in a community, even if it’s online. Also we moved into a new place and she graduated college so I’m hoping she maybe plays less since she’s less stressed and excited about living somewhere new. She’s not a bad person or a bad partner by any means, she’s very loving in all other ways and is the closest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I think she just developed a bit of an obsession with world of Warcraft due to extreme stress. ( she was working part time while being a full time senior in college, she would wake up at 8 AM and would be working, doing homework, or in class until 12 AM sometimes 2 AM) also all this was happening during COVID so we couldn’t go out anywhere and she only saw her college friends maybe once or twice throughout the entire semester. Basically am I overreacting and being selfish and insecure? How do I go about discussing this with her?
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