@samd136
I dont believe its the absence of courage thats saving your life.
If your wanting it to end, then that tells me your in an awful lot of pain and finding it hard to see solutions or to have hope that things will get better.
The fact that your reaching out here shows me hpw much strength you have even while going through such an awful time.
You really are stronger than you think you are and I hope you can reach out even for further for the support you need to help you through this tough time.
https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html