Hard week (rant may trigger sorry x)
Struggling this week. My brain won't stop over thinking. Why am I alone why am I depressed what is the point? The thoughts turn and twist and deform till I feel physically sick. The stupid thing is I can pull myself out... I've done it before... It just takes so much effort... and for what? So I can work and sleep constantly feeling unworthy not good enough... watching people have relationships I will never have. On top of it all I can't continue my uni course because I can no longer afford it. It gave me focus and now there's nothing. I feel cut off from everything. I've started staying in bed longer... I just lay there but my brain still turns. Now I'm drinking and I never drink but it numbs me temporarily. I popped a painkiller I scratched my skin... just to feel nothing. I think I need to go back to the doctor to see about some help but I've been here so many times before I feel like I'm a hopeless case. I'm sure the doctor rolls his eyes everytime I pop in. There are people much worse than I. .. I feel like I choose this.. If I just get up and find the right book, the right diet, the right miracle pill I will be better. If I just pull myself out of it... I am only human. What I wish for most out of anything that I had someone that I could say this to.. someone who could just hold me while I have a cry.. someone who wouldn't judge. don't get me wrong I have parents, I have a brother and sister but the minute I cry or show signs of sadness I am told off and told to stop wallowing. They mean well and maybe they have a point. I feel like a weight they have to carry... though I try not to burden them. I have a terrific spade and a deep pit I try to bury my feelings in.. Unfortunately the pit is starting to erupt under the pressure and here I am smothered in all the stuff I try to bury. I need a bigger pit 😕. I'll be fine I'm working later I just don't want to go there and cry. Deep breath. I just needed to get that out. I scare myself sometimes. But I will be ok... I just don't want these thoughts in my head. I want a new brain...or a magic wand. Always looking for a miracle. I'll shut up now. Thanks for listening it helps just writing this I should journal. Shoulda woulda coulda says it all ☺ much love mags