Hard week (rant may trigger sorry x)
Struggling this week. My brain won't stop over thinking. Why am I alone why am I depressed what is the point? The thoughts turn and twist and deform till I feel physically sick. The stupid thing is I can pull myself out... I've done it before... It just takes so much effort... and for what? So I can work and sleep constantly feeling unworthy not good enough... watching people have relationships I will never have. On top of it all I can't continue my uni course because I can no longer afford it. It gave me focus and now there's nothing. I feel cut off from everything. I've started staying in bed longer... I just lay there but my brain still turns. Now I'm drinking and I never drink but it numbs me temporarily. I popped a painkiller I scratched my skin... just to feel nothing. I think I need to go back to the doctor to see about some help but I've been here so many times before I feel like I'm a hopeless case. I'm sure the doctor rolls his eyes everytime I pop in. There are people much worse than I. .. I feel like I choose this.. If I just get up and find the right book, the right diet, the right miracle pill I will be better. If I just pull myself out of it... I am only human. What I wish for most out of anything that I had someone that I could say this to.. someone who could just hold me while I have a cry.. someone who wouldn't judge. don't get me wrong I have parents, I have a brother and sister but the minute I cry or show signs of sadness I am told off and told to stop wallowing. They mean well and maybe they have a point. I feel like a weight they have to carry... though I try not to burden them. I have a terrific spade and a deep pit I try to bury my feelings in.. Unfortunately the pit is starting to erupt under the pressure and here I am smothered in all the stuff I try to bury. I need a bigger pit 😕. I'll be fine I'm working later I just don't want to go there and cry. Deep breath. I just needed to get that out. I scare myself sometimes. But I will be ok... I just don't want these thoughts in my head. I want a new brain...or a magic wand. Always looking for a miracle. I'll shut up now. Thanks for listening it helps just writing this I should journal. Shoulda woulda coulda says it all ☺ much love mags
Thank you so very much for this post, maggiemsy1410! You described exactly where I am at- I did not choose this and neither did you? Who would ever choose to experience such misery. Like you, a good rant/vent can sometimes help me breathe again - at least for a little while. Thanks again for sharing - I feel a little less discouraged and alone.
Mags, I know how you feel and there's no need for you to apologize for sharing your thoughts and feelings especially on here.We. as humans, all have problems, and just because other people's situations may be more dire, it doesn't mean that your issues aren't important at all. I'm sorry that your familytells you to stop wallowing. Like you said, they probably mean well but some people just don't understand the need to let it out once in awhile.
If it werepossible for me to give you a big hug right now, I would. Definitely considermeditation, yoga, writing in your journal, going on a bike ride, and just plain crying! We're here if you need us.
To address more specific parts of your post, what kind of relationships do you think you'll never form? Platonic? Romantic?
And as for the university course, have you tried online classes? Or maybe a class at a community college that doesn't cost a whole lot?
Hi thanks for replying. It's hard holding all this stuff in sometimes I feel it's just me and that I'm just broken in some way. But being here I realise I'm not alone and it is okay to talk about it. I've always wanted a boyfriend someone who could love me who I could love... someone I could just chill out with... but I have an idealised view on love. I've polluted my brain with romance novels and yet I've never even gone on a date. I had an imaginary boyfriend for years... complete with children parents friends... It was my hiding place. Now I'm finding it hard to slip into it because it is not enough anymore. But I feel vulnerable in the world without it. I feel like people stare and laugh. If someone tries to get to know me I wonder why... and I step back and withdraw. I have no idea how to relate to people I'm so scared of upsetting anyone. So yeah any relationship is hard... I have a couple of friends but they are in relationships and are rarely available. But that's not the issue... its the boyfriend thing. I feel like I'm missing out on some right of passage. I've never had a real boyfriend.. I feel I never will because I am so scared and i can't explain why. I think perhaps the issue here is that I want love as in books but it is not real. I also need to spend more time in reality... I'll look into colleges just picked up a book on mindfulness for compassionate living hoping there's an answer in there. knowing me ill get through a chapter and get distracted. For now I will try, Thanks mags
I feel like I can relate to you on so many levels.
Any type of relationship (familial, platonic, romantic, etc.)is hard to form/manage; I have a lot of trouble myself. If it makes you feel any better, I'm in college and I haven't had a boyfriend either which sometimes worries me. I've confided to my friend who is my age, and she was in a similar situation. She said that she wanted to take the time to develop and know herself more before she gets into a relationship, which sounds likea wise idea. It'shard knowing that you've never been in a relationship before (why me? Why am I left out?), but it's crucialto gain some self-confidence first. Get to know and love yourself, and don't depend on other people for your confidence.
People want toget to know you more, probably because they're genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say. I'm sure you're a lovable person. You don't have to completely open up to anyone just yet, but do try to let others in.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I feel the same too sometimes.
And i am really proud of you that you have stayed strong. You didn't give up. Keep going! I believe in you. You can do this.
I recommend you to do the things that might help you feel better without hurting yourself, like your hobby, maybe? You'll feel better, I promise.
I hope you a nice day. God bless :)
