Good days and bad days

The last few days have been really...bad for me. My credit cards are almost maxed out (which a little background...have had horrible migraines for the last 8 years, nothing works, been to numerous doctors, been on over 20 different medications, went to a chiropractor, had Botox, nothing's worked. Had to go down to part time because of it and my dad getting sick. Dad passed away last December...just a lot going on, and now work has cut my hours to practically nothing.).

So I the only good thing is that I've managed to get a second job, at a museum. What gets me and seems to get me every time, is that I see so many people who are happy and married and have kids, and I am over here with nothing. I have three friends in the whole universe and none of them live close. I haven't been on a date in...13-14 years. The only men that ask me out are older than my dad was. It's...so depressing to know that others your own age don't find you attractive. It just hurts to know that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

My family doesn't know how deeply depressed I am. I've been since I was 13...so around 20 years. I've never been to a therapist, yet I know I should. I can't bring myself to fully admit that this is a HUGE problem and it needs to be fixed. Oddly enough, my last neurologist had prescribed me Cymbalta and, wow it worked. But my neurologist over a year ago, told me very bluntly, "I can't help you, find someone else." All in response to me wanting to try other things, because what I was on wasn't working, at all. How dare I try and help myself, especially when he wasn't suggesting anything new.

So here I am, wondering what I am doing with my life and not being able to see a future. I honestly could not see me being older than 25. I thought, something was going to happen and I just wouldn't live beyond that. Of course I have...and life has seriously gone downhill from there. I can't bring myself to ask my family for help. My parents paid for most of my sister's education, but nothing on mine, apart from me asking for money for books last year. That was the only time I've ever asked for help. I know I'm the screw up of the family. My sister has two degrees under her belt. She has a good job, a house, car, the whole nine. All I have is credit card bills and student debt. It's been increasingly harder to find the good in my life. I just can't seem to get ahead in life.

I don't...usually post to this site, with my problems. It's a pride thing...usually I post to an anon journal just to get my feelings out, so they aren't bundled up. This time, I just...I guess I need words of encouragement. I do apologize for the length of this post. If you are still with me, thank you for reading and I do hope you have a good day.