Everything I NEVER wanted!!!!!
I always had a view of getting older and how my life might play out I always said if I had to live with certian issues it would not be worth living and now that I am facing some of them I belive it more and more. I wanted to be able to be an able bodied person as I was always active in my life working physically demanding jobs and excelling at them and now all of that is gone I had a serious disc rupture and now I have nerve damage with loss of function in my left leg and pain and numbness in both legs at the moment I am forced to walk with a cane but later it will be a scoter or wheelchair. I wanted to be sexually active up until the day my body would not let that happen anymore now I am still able you see but my wife over a year ago due to physical issues has stopped all sexual activity or attraction its kinda like having a wonderful kitchen and no food. I had always heard of couples sleeping in seperate bedrooms and I siad I am never going to let that happen but guess what with all of the moving I have to do bacause of my legs and the fact that I have to use a cpap and sometimes it gets loud and keeps my wife of I get to have my own room. The hardest thing in life for me is being alone and now I am forced to spend most of my days because she has to work so much because I can not and now my nights alone. So who wants to tell me that there is so much for me to look forward to. I can be alone and not mobile and nobodies burden in a box in the ground.
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. Depression is rough to live with. Do you talk to your wife or anyone else close to you about it? It took me a long time to get the courage to talk to people about my depression, but I'm glad I did.
As to your disability, I can see how things like that may make you feel useless or worthless, but please know that you are neither useless nor worthless. You are an important person and you have a wife who loves you. There will be stressful times, of course, but know that you have people in your life who love you and want you around.
My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer very, very late in life. It was all over his body and he lost mobility gradually. He refused to use a wheelchair until his final days. He felt hopeless and worthless because he used to be so active and he was the sole breadwinner for his wife and his 8 daughters for decades. When he couldn't drive or walk anymore, he couldn't cope with it for years. He had trouble speaking as well, which would frustrate him. I'm telling you his story because no matter how disabled he was, he still had a family who loved being around him, hugging him, speaking to him, and being there for him. He even made it to my college graduation even though he couldn't walk and could barely speak. He had a love and joy for life that I envied.
I don't know if you've heard of Clay Dyer, but he is a professional fisherman who was born with no legs and only a nub of an arm. I actually had the chance to meet him. He was a very inspirational person to speak to and he was so happy and had a zest for life most people I know don't have. You should look him up.
Being disabled doesn't make you worthless.
Sorry for rambling! I tend to do that sometimes.
I hope you feel better very soon.
Thank you for your kind words and no you were not rambling. I think you for sharing your grandfathers story he was fortunate to have been suronded by such love while I do have my wife who loves me I am also more of a burden so would it not be the loving thing to take a burden from someone? I know there are so many who overcome and succeed the one you talked about never had legs so it was easier for him to adapt I wish my leg was gone so would the constant nerve pain. I mean no disrespect I truly thank you for your response but it is really hard to change ones mind by saying its not that bad. Have a great day.
Oh, no, I didn't mean to come off as saying "it's not that bad." I meant for the message to be "you are not alone in your pain." I could never truly understand what you are going through because my problems are different. I don't think your wife sees you as a burden. Sure, times may be tough, but she is still with you, so that must mean that you mean a lot to her, right? You should try talking to her about how you feel. I'm sure she would appreciate you opening up to her.
Thank you for your kind words and no you were not rambling. I think you for sharing your grandfathers story he was fortunate to have been suronded by such love while I do have my wife who loves me I am also more of a burden so would it not be the loving thing to take a burden from someone? I know there are so many who overcome and succeed the one you talked about never had legs so it was easier for him to adapt I wish my leg was gone so would the constant nerve pain. I mean no disrespect I truly thank you for your response but it is really hard to change ones mind by saying its not that bad. Have a great day.
@ defeated1 Sorry to hear about this brutal experience you are having.It is so tough to deal with loss, especially later in life.Hope you're finding some good listeners here.
