Don't mind me

I've been having a really intense depressive episode for the past month now. I sometimes get these very positive toughts, but than my head tells me it's not worth trying. My brain attacks me with suicidal toughts for no reason at all, it's a battle going on inside my brain. I hate my suicidal toughts, I hate how I fuck everything up, I hate my dissociative episodes, I hate how self-destructive I am, I hate myself.