Depression is really bad today
I feel really depressed today. My gp has said to meditate to start feeling better. I know it could as Ive been on a mindfulness course years ago & I have an app on my phone. I dont use it as much as I need to, I go through months of not using it as well. Its because meditation is about understanding myself & bringing inner calm. I dont want that. I dont want to understand myself. Ive got to the point that I know Im ruining my life. So many crap things happened in my life after my brother died (he died suddenly 11 years ago) & Im tired. I know meditating will bring me energy but Im at a point in my life where I just dont care. The problem is though Im finally at uni & Im ruining it all. I told my Personal Tutor about everything & she said the uni can offer a year out where I can get better. But I dont know if I want to take that year out or if uni is the best place for me. Im thinking that its only first year so all I need to do is pass (also Im part-time so Im only taking 3 modules this year & 3 next year so I have another year to sort myself out). Ive also signed up for counselling at the uni & they offer so much other support. If I do take a year out, I dont know what Id do. .... sorry if this doesnt make sense. I still live at home with my parents, another reason I feel depressed from time to time as I just feel trapped & like nothing good has changed in my life. I havent got the energy to do anything about my life at the moment though.
Thank you for reading. ✨
@orangeWatermelon8349 Hey orange, I am so sorry to hear you've been struggling. I am so proud that you reached out for us and that you are getting counseling at your uni. It's also nice that you've tried meditation, and you show awesome self awareness about the results. Each coping mechanism will work differently for each person. At least you made the effort, which says a lot.
You also demonstrate great self awareness about possibly taking time out of school. As someone who was once in your shoes, I totally understand your concerns. Living at home can definitely be stressful especially during this time of your life when you are gaining more independence. I know it may not seem like it, but you are so strong especially as you deal with studies during this difficult time. Besides counseling and meditation, how else have you been managing the depression?
If you ever need to talk with someone, the listeners are here for you at any time. We are here for you, and you do not have to struggle alone. Best wishes, and whatever you decide to do, I am sure you will make your choice with the right intentions. *hugs if you are okay with it*
@lovelyWhisper66 hi whisper, thank you so much for replying. Im feeling a little better than I did when I posted. Ive realised that meditation isnt for me but I started recently going to a yoga class. I force myself to go & then when Im there, I want the hour to be up. Anyway I stay for the duration. Some of the postures I find so restful I could just fall asleep! I also write (journal & sometimes poetry & short stories) & lately Ive been thinking of creative art. I used to go to a place that offered self development courses & creative activities & I learned how to express myself through painting. I also did another course at another place where we created some cut out poetry. You cut out words or phrases you like from a newspaper & stick them in an order you like that makes a poem.
I have been thinking a lot about my course & I do want to carry on with it. I know I need to go back to everything I learned on the self development courses to keep me going & not to survive but to thrive! I know I could enjoy this course if I let myself.
Thank you again for your reply. :)
@orangeWatermelon8349
too long for me too read
but hope you go all true everything
