Depression?
I've had non stop anxiety attacks this entire month. I get this feeling of a heartbroken void in my chest and at times I just want to run to my room (where I've been holed up for several months) and just cry my eyes out. I feel better afterwards but not so much anymore. I've been stuck in a brain fog every time I do something it seems to take hours and that heartbroken feeling creeps up on me when I least expect it. I'm to the point where I'm either constantly doing something and trying to get things done til I fall asleep or completely lacking any and all will power whatsoever and wanting to cry.
I will say this. I've contemplated suicide twice in the past two years. I didn't go through with it, I didn't plan it out or anything but it was scary. I can't get any help either with this because my family doesn't believe I have anxiety and they sure don't know that I might have depression if that's what this is. I don't have insurance either and my family doesn't have the cash to help out. Sometimes I feel like I'm a complete waste of space and resources and that my family would be better off without me.
I've given up on asking them for help. It doesn't get anywhere. It never does. I'm not sure if they are in denial or just flat out don't believe me. But that ship has sailed. I don't even really want to ask for help on here but I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to do something. But I'm unsure of what or if there are any options. ...
Now after I've written all this I just feel like a fraud. Like I've made this all up for drama's sake. I'm not even sure what's true anymore. ...
Holy god do you sound like me. Echoing sentiments of mine almost word for word that I've had and felt before. I don't have insurance either and thinking about going to a therapist is scary when money is tight. I know around where I live there are places to get help regarding these issues and I would make a strong assumption there are places close to you that would be able to alleviate some or most of that financial burden. Try to look around your area for some of these places. Also, you are NOT a fraud. You feel how you feel. Don't ever let anyone around you convince you into believing these thoughts aren't genuine or warranted. Especially yourself. I hope that in writing this down you feel at least a little bit better. I know for myself that is true to some degree. I'm not saying its a cure all. But there is something to getting out what u want to say that is beneficial. Be it writing it down, talking to someone.. friends, family, therapist, hell even a total stranger, or tape recording yourself. Plus, this website has the bonus of A LOT of people you can potentially bounce thoughts and ideas off of and just share with who feel the same way. Im hoping you feel better. It is cliche and sounds corny but you are worth it to feel better about things in this life.
I do feel a little better. But it comes and goes throughout the day. One moment I'll be happy and then within an hour I could be crying my eyes out. There is one place near I live that I could maybe get help at but, my grandma went there, my aunt goes there, my martial arts teacher's wife works there. It is the farthest thing from anonymous as possible and I don't think I can go through that. Even if I ever admit to my family that I have this problem, that's the one place I don't want to go.
@Sherlock37, no one here can give you a medical diagnose, but it is fairly possible you have depression. You need to see a doctor. As I already stated in a different place in a forum, suicidal thoughts are always a signal that we are looking for some way to outlet our unbearable pain. It's a way to cope with a dreadful situation that we feel we are trapped in, but it is dangerous for you.
Sorry to sound so tedious urging you to visit a doctor, but I think it will make a big difference to your well-being. Just go like when you're going to the dentist with a toothache - it's the same thing, just foolishly stigmatized by our society. You really don't have to suffer in silence. Asking for help is difficult, and I can see you feel you don't have any support, but it is worth it. Oh, how it is worth! From my own experience, I can say that it was a turning point for me. I'm still struggling, but I'm not in agony, like before. I know how to fight, and what is the name of my foe. It's a wretched life, to live with an untreated depression, and you don't deserve it, my lovely friend. Getting therapy is a difference you will feel immediatelly.
It's normal that on some days you feel better. It comes and goes, like ocean waves. But it's not worth drowning on these harder days. You are so wonderful, and I already come to like and care about you. You are not a fraud, your feelings are valid. I understand you feel uncomfortable to seek help in a mentioned place. Maybe you could phone them and ask them if there is a possibility for you to meet in a different location? I really like it's a place near your home, so you won't have to depend on someone else's transportation. Do you think it would be a possible action to take?
Love!
It's possible. I'll think about it. I'm not sure if I told you, but I bought a tattered old cbt workbook and I'm working through it this week. I'm going to start charting everything and saving it in a file so when I go I'll have something for them to look over. I'm starting to come up with a plan to get my mom involved too. So hopefully transportation shouldn't be an issue. Thank you for all your help so far. *hugs*
@Sherlock37, it's great that you have a plan. It's always a great asset ^^
Mood tracking is very useful. Regarding CBT - when I read my workbook (by Burns), I also used this website which is basically an internet version of such therapy. I liked how I could write many entries on challenging my thinking, and the programme just kept gathering them all and formed them in a coherent way. It was pretty neat. And it's absolutely free.
I'm glad I could help, only if by listening to you. If you don't mind, I'd love to hear more from you about your days. I'll be around here if you need anything at all.
Take care! *hugs*