Depressed Boyfriend Ignoring for Me Weeks
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. I know that is not a very long time, but I really like him and see a future with him. He's five years older than me (30 vs 25), very career oriented, into his hobbies, and has expressed that he is not completely happy with where he's at in life (not married yet with no kids was never his ideal plan.). I never wanted to push back on those topics in fear of sounding like the crazy girlfriend that is already considering marriage and kids.
He was a complete gentleman from the very beginning and our relationship was fun, comfortable, and stable until about 2-3 months ago. He started becoming more distant, not texting or calling me every day like we used to. I know every day is a lot and he works a very demanding job with long hours and can understand not talking every day. But then days turned into 5 - 10 days without talking to me and only responding when I reach out first, making me feel like I was begging for attention.
Our most recent duration of not talking was about 2 weeks. I finally called because I didn't understand what was going on, spending some nights crying or upset wondering what I did or if he had moved onto someone else. I needed answers. He finally answered and we talked for an hour. He finally revealed to me that he's depressed, on medicine for it, and is having a midlife crisis trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. (I myself have extreme anxiety that I have been seeking help to deal with). In retrospect, I feel terrible knowing he is in such a dark place and wish I expressed that at the time. But instead, I kept asking if he thought about how I've been feeling because of this cold-shoulder treatment. Long story short - it was a long talk, each of us expressing how shitty we felt and how this affected us, but not really listening to the other person. We agreed to try to reconnect to follow up with this conversation in person to discuss it. But after exchanging a few texts and him saying he'd let me know when we could hang, I haven't heard anything. In these few texts he made it clear that this lack of communication was not because of anything I did, but him simply trying to figure out how he feels about himself and his future career wise and personally.I followed up a few days later with a long text expressing how I am here for him during this tough time, how much I care about him and hope I can help. Still no response.
Of course I have family and friends saying to move on and that I don't deserve this treatment. Only one of my friends, who is in a committed relationship with someone who has depression has told me to be patient and wait this out. To focus on me right now, but don't assume it's over and give him space.
I don't want to this be over, but I don't know what to do at this point. Will he ever reach out when this episode is over?Is this normal for a depressed boyfriend to not talk to his girlfriend for weeks? Are long periods of time not out of the blue for someone in his shoes to not reach out or answer calls/texts? It has been almost a week now since I sent the follow up message expressing my support. Should I consider this done and move on? I've never been in this position before. I'm not claiming to be a perfect girlfriend and know I should make a better effort at communicating what I want/need/feel, but unsure how to deal with someone in this situation. I don't want to overstep boundaries by reaching out numerous times with no response, but don't want this to end because I decided to stop reaching out as well.
Any advice would be great!
@coldWater6416
I'm barley a teenager, but I can say that you're a really good person from the looks of things, and I've never been through this situation, but just keep holding on to see what the long run has to offer you. Just let life take it into its own hands, don't give up on him, don't say anything, just let life play it through. That's what I'd do at least. Goodluck man!!!
@coldWater6416
Hi there,
I felt compelled to answer you as im a person who suffers from depression, and in the early stages when i was first diagnosed, i shut everyone out the same way, i mean cut off completely, i did this because i felt so horrible about myself that i didnt think or even consider that other people actually loved and cared for me. Depression can be complex for all involved and i imagine it can feel like he doesn't care about you, but he could also just be feeling so bad, be so caught up inside his own head, that you just dont factor in, and i know that sounds harsh, i did this to my partner too and still do sometimes. Being patient is the only adivce i could offer, dont make assumptions about what he is feeling and look after yourself, your emotional well being matters too
Hope this helps a lil
@Bearsie Thank you for responding! It means a lot to me. This does make me feel a little bit better about the situation. I can't imagine what he is going through, so thanks for explaining your experience. If you don't mind me asking, what helps you come out of these times of shutting off your partner? Does your partner stop reaching out until you're ready or does she try every once in a while?
@coldWater6416
For me the shutting him out is like a defense, like by shutting down i can deal with whats hurting me internally and when im ready and feel ive got a better handle on myself i come back and can talk to him about it, but we've been doing this for almost 10 years him and i and in the beginning it was really rough on our relationship, but we did lay out rules and it works for us, for example when i feel myself going down i simply tell him so and if i need space i just say so again, he is always there though if i need him. But yeah to start off with i think there was alot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings all i can say is both sides need to be honest and open about what they need from the other. Its not easy but its not impossible either. Hope that helps a little
@coldWater6416 hey there-not as old as you but i can relate to your situation! im the kind of person who loves getting a daily text even if its just good morning/goodnight or a heart. makes me feel good that that person remembered me that day and took time to show me!
however i can also understand your bf not talking due to his mental health. i can find it very hard sometimes to carry a conversation and so does my bf. but, if this is genuinely hurting you (which is obvious that it is, and im so sorry for that, totally been there) and youve already discussed it with him in length then something should be done about it! you gave him space, you showed you support him, and you told him that you also need some support. honestly, you arent asking for much-just an occasional chat!
you could try to set up a schedule with him, maybe? like ask him to set a reminder on his phone or write it down somewhere to text you once a day or once every other day (i dunno, its up to you) to let you know hes ok, or to just say hi (also up to you and him). yes, he's hurting and he has wants and needs, but you are hurting too, you have wants and needs too!
hope things get better for both of you and you have a good day
@vexy thank you!! It seems whenever I reach out or make an effort to arrange talking in person he just declines it somehow and tells me about his current issues via text and then I respond and then get no response. I explained my current conversation with him in my reply to @butterflee below. I understand not being able to reach out for some time but I'm worried this will be forever.
@coldWater6416
it sounds like he's going through a lot. if i were in your place and continuing to check up on him, that would cause me some pain. i think it depends on you-are you willing to wait and for how long? are you willing to check up on him consistently if it pains you?
time does heal, though, so maybe it wont be forever! it is up to you and i hope his situation improves-whatever you choose we will be here to support you. remember to take care of yourself too girl! <3
@coldWater6416 This is difficult. If your boyfriend is sincere then in depression many people isolate themselves and push back on loved ones. I did it so many times...😔😔😔 so it is a normal reaction in depression that's why doctors recomend patients to stay in touch with friends and lived ones.
On the other hand (and I don't mean to insult your boyfriend) if he is not sincere then "depression" is a common tactis in men to break-up without saying it upfront.
I hope you figure this one out and everything turns out for the best in the end🤗
@Butterflee P.S.: I suffer from severe chronic depression amd the love of my life never left me. She supports me the best she can.
@Butterflee thank you for your response! I do believe he has depression. In retrospect, it explains a lot of his somewhat random outburts of negative things he'd say about himself. I waited another week to reach out. I left him two missed calls and finally texted saying I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He said he was doing the best he can right no to deal with life, was in a bad place at the moment and out talk to me the next day. The next day came and went so I texted again saying I'd love to meet up just for a brief chat and to hear about life! (At this point we haven't seen each other in person in a month) He responds explaining that he is in a tough spot in life dealing with his work (that he hates), a family member's declining health, and personal problems he has with himself. He thanked me for checking in and for the concern and that he'll be ok but needs time to get to a better place. He mentioned not even embracing a friend or family member unexpectedly coming by to check in. I mentioned I'm there for him, that he's great and I hope he can find the time and space to get through this and that I'm just worried about never seeing him ever again.
My question is - will he ever come back? In your opinion, is there hope that once he gets through this he'll reach back out or will he forget about me and move on. At the rate we're going, I feel like I don't foresee a response from him for at least a month but idk. I'm stuck and confused and hurting. Do I continue to check in every once in a blue moon? Thanks!
@coldWater6416 you are not a nurse nor a payed caregiver nor a saint or an agel...you must think of yourself at some point, regardless if he isd sincere or not. Your life is your own and you owe it to yourself to live it but thst is for your heart and soul to decide not others.
What I ca say is this: the love of my life is everyday with me, everuday she asks me to go out for icecream or coffee, or visit the botanical garden...because of my major depression I can no longer wash myself, shave or clean my room. I am confined mentally to my bed and she knows that and it breaks her heart that she cannot help me in any way but we talk every day as much as her normal busy life permits...it's an immense sacrifice from her side that noone should do and I love her like I never loved before for that...
Think with your own mind and heart, find in yourself if he is telling the truth or not and if he is telling the truth, then ask yourself if it is worth the sacrifice you are making for him...i have major depression for 7 years now, never got better, seen cases that after 16 years never got better and had to be institutionalised for the rest of their lives...I am not being pessimistic but just trying to show you the reality of things...
Think for yourself, with your own mind and your own heart...I feel you and your dilema is hard...i am really sad for you...😔😔😔
@coldWater6416 Hello. I know this post is many years old now, but I went online searching for answers as I am in the exact same situation you were in with your boyfriend. We are going on 7 days without contact now due to his depression. Thing is, this all started 2 months ago, we went a couple days without talking, then would talk here and here through text or Facetime. I ended up getting filled with emotions and feelings of how he used to be with me, which was so attentive and loving and bringing that to his attention, which I believe triggered him to back off once again. I’m trying not to contact him and give him space, but how much space is too much after all this time? My question to you is, did it ever get better for you?
