Calling all college students (others are welcome)

It has now been 4 years since my depression sank in, nearly 3 since I started talking to a therapist, and almost 1 year since my last therapy session.

A little background on my depression: It began after I had an uncle pass away and continued from there on out. I was at the beginning of my teenage years and it was my first year in high school, everything was a blob- a bubble around my head filled with confusion, sadness and everything that I am sure you are already aware of that comes with depression. Eventually, I had a break down trying to find my blades to cut and the truth came out when I started screaming. A couple weeks later I was in therapy; it seemed like it would be the longest jounery of my life, but, since then, it seems like it was over in a blink of an eye. I always felt pure sadness and hatred towards the world- for putting me on earth when I know its only going to end, for not giving me a perfect body like the rest of my friends, for taking someone away that I loved so dearly and the list could go on; things that most teenagers are confused about and get upset when there are no answers. After 2 years of speaking with my therpaist, a great woman, I felt good- I was not having any thoughts of suicide, I had been self harm free for over a year, and I just generally did not have the same heavy heart that I did was I was lost in my depressed state.

Now... 19 years old and in my first year of college, I look back and think of how easy it was. Not to knock anyone feeling the way that I had before (because those feelings are valid), but it all seems so simple now. Before I had simply hated my life and that was it. I had no coping skills, no awareness outside of my state of mind and no idea what it was like to be anything other than sad. Now I know when I am getting to be in a depressive state and it makes everything so much more complicated. I can't just let it take over me because now I know how to cope and to talk myself down and to let myself know "this isnt you, this is the depression trying to take you captive again.". And it makes it so much harder because I have to be the bigger person and tell it "NO" instead of just letting myself fall back into the hole, because we all know it is much easier being sad than happy. Also, now throwing anxiety into the mix, half of the time I can't breathe. The other day I was in my schools library and as I began to think of all the work I still need to get done my throat forms a lump and start to have a panic attack... while I'm doing my work... trying to get shit done... doing what I am supposed to be doing! And my bodies decides nope, time to freak out.

So my point here is, even though I got better, it is still so hard. I am not in the dark anymore but I still see the shadow from time to time and everytime I do I want to give in so bad and just shut down, but I don't. It's just lately, I have had to motivation- I have been skipping classes, putting off work that needs to be done, sleeping for 12 hours (which I never used to do) and I am not really sure what is happening. I feel like I am in this constant war with anxiety and depression and while I'm fighting one the other sneaks up behind my back and stabs me. I don't know how to get back to myself from my first semester; I have so much desire to do school the right way and pass all my classes and get my degree on time but then when it is actually time for me to do the work to get there I just can't. I can't get out of bed, I can't focus, I can't get A's on my exams; I feel like a failure. I want to succeed but I am lazy and I try to do work but then I procrastinate and I just feel lost because I never used to be like this and I am afraid. I am afraid and lost and I feel like I am going to lose my shit any second.

Can any other college students relate? Anyone in general? Words of adivce?