BlacKiwi's Dumping Ground/Cups Journal thingy
So, basically, I just thought I need a space to just talk about what I'm going through and stuff like that. Because it's been really hard for me for the past couple of weeks and I just need to vent and talk about it somewhere. I don't feel like writing in my journal because idk... I just don't feel like. And besides, typing is so much easier and faster. This is also an escape from my listener account where things are a bit hectic for me. I'll be posting here whenever the need arises.
@BlacKiwi
I look forward to hearing your updates ❤️
Jem 🌼 (Anxiety & Depression forum supporter)
I haven't posted a thing here since surprisingly xD I've been doing better actually. Like a bit better. A lot was going on between me and bf. Mainly that we couldn't talk for a prolonged period of time but we finally got to talk yesterday and it made me so so happy. I've also been doing a lot of hobbies just to keep myself distracted and all. I've been practising guitar a lot lately and I'm getting better at it so that's something. Well yeah, today is a pretty good day so far. I just hope things won't get bad at night :)
I remember when this whole depression thing first started. I was wayyyy younger and I didn't know how to cope or anything. I've been dealing with depression for about 4 years now and I'm starting to think it's more of dysthymia. I've used a lot of coping mechanisms and all and some of them work but I can always feel depression just lurking under the surface and being there lowkey. It never really goes.
Like today, it didn't show up at all during the day but now that it's night, it's so so alive. I've kinda hit a roadblock or something. I can't think of anything else to do to help me out. I'm just here struggling with it. And talking about it helps sometimes but it never goes. I don't know what to do anymore. I just write stuff here and distract myself and keep hoping and praying that it'll disappear one day because I'm really tired of feeling this way.
I just want to be happy
Things have been really hard lately. I feel like this is more of dysthymia than just plain ol' depression. I've been thinking about everything a lot lately. I'm missing the friends I made here who got banned because the mods didn't like them. Because of the dumb no offsite contact rule, I might never be able to talk to them ever again or meet them.
I also feel excluded whenever I show up in the group chats. I don't really know where else I can get support since I don't get so much help from listeners and I've had too many bad experiences and now I'm too scared to reach out for help. It's hurting me but I'm also scared of having another bad experience. I just wish I never felt like this. It's really draining.
I'm honestly just tired.
@BlacKiwi- sorry to hear your having a tough time. If you are in NZ then it is midwinter- less daylight. So seasonal depression hits harder. The search for a caring listener can be a challenge- sometimes it has helped me to read their profiles carefully. Please take care and know that your message was heard.
@barncat I'm actually in Nigeria and I have up and down times of depression or whatever this awful, life-draining feeling is. Like an alternating wave or something. I guess my happy weeks are over. I actually took a risk after posting that and reached out to a listener and it went pretty well. That's my first good listener experience in a while (over a month) so that helped a bit.
Thanks for the replying tho. I usually feel like I'm just speaking into a void sometimes and it's nice to know that someone read what I posted. Take care :)
@BlacKiwi- so glad to hear you had a positive experience with listener- some are real treasures. I "assumed" you were from NZ- because of kiwi. Take care in Nigeria!!! I always amazes me how globally is the 7 cups site. Greetings from NW usa.
I've been distracting myself from my issues by playing the classical guitar and learning languages. I just don't want to think of how I'm not doing okay or how I usually feel crappy or how emotionally weak I am or how I cry a lot for the dumbest reasons. I just wish I could be normal again. Before all this crap began. I liked it the way it was. When I actually cared about living and never hid my tears behind sunglasses/shades. When I didn't go to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up the next day and when I didn't feel lonely 24/7
Oh, and my bday was a few days ago. 2 days ago actually. It wasn't bad. Actually went better than I expected. I just kinda hate that I'm ageing up now. It's like a lil reminder that another year has passed and I haven't done anything meaningful with my life. And that I'm still not better. And that I'm still a shitty person no matter how hard I try. It also means that I have more responsibilities and that's just going to make things even worse.
Mais c'est la vie. I just have to deal with it.
