Bad memories that make me lose confidence
Sorry, I know I post too many sad posts on this website. I'm just a generally sad person.
There was a rude bus driver that said mean things to me for no reason, because at the time I was carrying a suit case with some of my luggage (as I was moving from my dorm to my apartment). He would yell, "Hurry the fuck up bitch!"
Now I usually ignore these comments but...lately I've been wanting to be stronger. I felt like....every time I don't fight back I am weak.
Which is weird. I used to think that staying silent and ignoring them was the smart and strong thing to do.
Like, you don't engage a monkey if it's acting like one, because you are a human.
But for some reason I couldn't let it go.
And guess what came out of my mouth.
A silent croak, me struggling to speak up to say "Shut up" but the only thing that came out was "Sh...rk....."
That is THE saddest shit I have ever experienced and I am so ashamed. I want to kill myself.
Like honestly if I were to argue with this guy, why couldn't I speak the fuck up?
And it wasn't like this guy is that much smarter than me, that's why he's middle aged, balding, and still a bus driver, while I've graduated from a prestigious college.
But no, I wasn't confident. It probably didn't help that I wasn't too familiar with the local language where this happened.
Even though I should be, really. Because half of my family is from that country and I can sort of speak their language.
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There was a guy in a shopping mall.
We were both walking but in a way that, if we kept walking we would've bumped into each other.
He was walking from my right, and I wanted to walk straight across.
And he decided to not walk behind me, but instead in front of me.
I felt so disrespected.
Why didn't I say anything?
Why does this even bother me?
Who even gives a shit?
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There was a guy at the pet store.
I was looking around.
I felt like his vibes were kinda weird, but I didn't want to be so "weak" as to not be able to choose where I look at just because some guy has weird vibes.
What I wanted to check out happened to be in the same aisle where he was at.
And guess what happened?
As soon as I stand near the pet collars that I wanted to look at, he starts walking towards me with these....offensive? big, challenging eyes, just staring down at me in a threatning way, as if he wanted a fight.
I was wearing a big leather jacket and had my hair dyed so, since I'm a Japanese living in Japan, from the Japanese perspective I honestly looked somewhat intimidating at the time (even though I'm not, I'm the nicest person on earth, no joke. I'm a little too nice actually and that's one thing I hate about myself). So once I sensed him walking towards me, I turned around and looked at his face (because I didn't want him shoulder checking me or whatever, that would piss me off even more). He flinched when I looked into his face, but he didn't stop walking.
I didn't want no fight so I walked away.
But you know, I honestly felt like a pussy.
I wish I could've just beat him the fuck up.
But I didn't.
(Yet if I knew he had weird vibes, why didn't I just avoid him? Doesn't it say that he's crazy in some way?
I couldn't allow myself to be a pussy.
Why can't I allow myself to be a pussy?
I don't know. I just know that I'd hate it and I'd want to murder myself for being weak)
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Conclusion:
I just really hate my pussy ass self, I'm not kidding.
I loose sleep over this garbage and I can't tell anybody cause nobody empathizes with my feelings.
I'm abnormal. Nobody even wants to comfort me, and it's not even realistic to ask anybody to comfort me.
Why should I even make friends?
Why do I even write here?
Who's going to help me feel better?
Why should I ask for help when others want help too?
Everytime I ask for advice people tell me, "Why don't you say something? Why don't you do something?"
Bitch I tried! Look at what happened in the end!
So are you going to label me as weak now? What are you going to tell me now?
I hate this world that I was born into.
There is no winning.
@AntidoteTowardsTheDark
It's okay to feel misplaced because you know there are 7 billion people on this planet, and most of them can't relate to the apparent normal morms of the society. You're not weak to have avoided conflict, you are the bigger person. What good could have possibly come out if you would have dropped to their standards? It would only justify what they were thinking. Don't beat yourself over petty people like this, you are much better than them.
@FadingStarDust
You're right. Thank you for reminding me of a more rational way of thinking about things.
It's just that, on my bad days I often remember these things and I get stuck in a negative cycle over the same negative memories.
It's difficult to keep reminding myself that, by walking away perhaps I made the right choice because my mind keeps telling me that I do it because I'm weak.
@AntidoteTowardsTheDark
Don't be Icarus. If you go close to those people, you will either drown in their ocean of cruelty or melt away from the heat of their sun of inhumanity. Remind yourself that everytime you get stuck.
That is exactly how I am when I want to argue with someone... I start to stutter then I look away acting like nothing happened but I'm so heated because I'm so angry at the person then I'm angry at myself because I couldn't stand up for myself that's when I start to just shut down and want to cry.
@Eddyman
Hey, thanks for replying.
I know right? It fucking sucks to not be able to stand up for yourself when you know you want to be respected for the person that you feel you are.
I cry about it too.
I get uncontrollably angry too. It's probably why I end up stuttering.
Or maybe it's because subconciously I know it's "wrong" to argue?
Or probably because, at least in my life, I've always felt like I lose at everything.
Either way, it's frustrating as fuck.
I wish I was the type to just lose it and shout at everyone rather than be the type to bottle it up.
Well...at least we can both find solace in the fact that we aren't alone in this? 