All over the place
I am a mess right now crying constantly I have cried more in the last 2 weeks than i have in my entire life. I neglect my emotions all the time even now as im crying i am trying to stop myself but the tears keep flowing... I am trying to go sober and create a new life but i have 0 hope in the world and in 90% of humanity, all i see is vanity destruction and hate everywhere. I havent left my house in months i have only been outside about 10 times in the last 3 years. If it wasnt for my family i probably would already be dead by now, im not that clkose to them but i respect them too much to put them through the pain and suffering. I was only really close to my nan who sadly passed away years ago i miss her so much. This is so hard to send this message i find myself coming on this website now and then but get too anxious to talk to say anything and end up going off feeling even worse. Theres so much stuff going round and round in my head i feel like im losing my mind half the time, this is the thing what makes it actually worse i think the fact that i will be depressed for a while and then without really dealing with it or finding a solution i feel great all of a sudden but then i come crashing back down again i always trick myself that ive overcome it in the good moments and im creating a new plan to succeed but as i said it never lasts. Been noticing the patterns and trying to learn from past mistakes,for the longest time i was just numb and out of touch ive had enough i want change. Also 2 nights ago i sitting in my room lights off watching YT videosand my body went cold i got so scared i thought there was a demon in my room, i didnt see anything but i felt a presence behind me over my shoulder. Probably should mention that i have smoked weed since 14 up until now (23) i have quit about 5 or 6 times in that time but when smoking i smoked every day and was high basically all day, only other drug ive took is shrooms once (apart from alcohol and tobacco) but i took way too much and i think it done more damage than good although at the time i was convinced it done me the world of good actually wondering if it had triggered a manic episode as ive done lots of research and heard of it happening to people who have family with history of schizophrenia (my great uncle had it may god rest his soul) But yea as you can probably tell my mind is all over the place, i dont want anyone to feel like they have to burden this i know its a lot its ok i dont expect anything from anyone i have been dealing with most of this on my own for years anyway i just need a 'safe space' where i can unload it even if no one sees it, its better out than in as they say. God bless you all