Addicted to Depression, Illness
I am 19 years old and have been living with depression (with some other issues too) for as long as I can remember. I won't feel happy if I am happy, but when I am depressed, I won't feel happy for sure but there is a sense of comfort in it. When I was seeking treatment for depression and was recovering, it was okay for few days but I felt uneasy, and didn't know who I was anymore. When I was depressed, I was used to take out my frustrations, sadness, anger in a different way but now, it was a new topic all over again. Since I was recovered, I wasn't supposed to act I used to when I was depressed and I didn't know how normal people cope with those emotions normally. I felt uncomfortable whenever someone treated me just like normally they do, uncomfortable in everything. I sort of missed depression because it's been a part of my life as long as I can remember and I don't know how to proceed without it. I know I sound pathetic but it just how I feel. I always long to be depressed, I don't know whether that's because that people treat me differently when I am sick so what'soever reason it might be, even as a child, I used to be happy when I get fever not considering the sick feeling but generally.
Now I feel like depression is getting hold of me stronger than ever, it's been mild for last two years but now, I can feel it. Just like a drumroll before an mega event. Willingly accepting it. Like an addiction.
Do people feel like this too? Or is it just me?
@Purrple
In some ways, although recovery is my goal, I fear it. I have struggled with depression for years and sometimes it feels as if it's an integral part of me. Sort of a part of who I am and what would I be like without it.
@Purrple
Hi Well done for reaching out, I know it can tough when you feel that way.
I totally hear what you are saying and how you feel. I hope you don't mind but I have rewritten some of what you posted to see if it helps you see things a different way.
I am 19 years old and have been living with depression (with some other issues too) for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure how to feel happy or if I can be happy, but when I am depressed, I won't feel happy for sure but I am so used to it there is a sense of it being normal for me. When I was seeking treatment for depression and was recovering, it was okay for few days but I felt uneasy, and didn't recognise who I was as this felt new, and I am so used to feeling depressed. When I was depressed, I knew how to take out my frustrations, sadness, anger in a different way but now, I have to learn how to take out my frustrations, sadness, anger all over again, in a new way. Since I was recovered, I had to learn how to act a different way then when I was depressed and I had to learn how normal people cope with those emotions normally. I felt uneasy whenever someone treated me just like normally they do, as I am just not used to being treated that way. I guess something esle I have to learn. I sort of missed depression because it's been a part of my life as long as I can remember, I am so used to it and everything it entails. I know I sound lost having to learn all these new behaviors but it is just how I feel. I always long to be depressed, I don't know whether that's because that people treat me differently when I am sick or because I have had it so long its kind of comfortable for me, predictable, I know whats what when I am feeling depressed.
I dont know it that wil help in anyway, I hope it does even if in just a small way.
I am a listener here so feel free to message me, or reply to this whatever you are most comfortable with.
Take care
paul
