Opening up

Hi, I've never really done this before, and I hope that won't let affect how you see me...

I'm a sixteen year old girl. I might seem normal like you. I probably am. I'm a loud teenager, and I run cross country and track. I have fun in life, or it seems like.

It's interesting how the real me is the complete opposite of what I seem like. I'm loud to hide my inner me. Self insecure, hating myself me. I hate myself everyday. I hate how I look, I have who I am, I hate why I exist. But see, I never understood where that came from until maybe a year ago.

Ever since when I was tiny, I've always been physically and emotionally abused by my parents. I would be threatened to be whacked with a frying pan sometimes. They whack, hit, smack, push, shove, pull on my hair, kick, and punch me when I did some wrongdoing and exaggerate it a little bit. They would call me stupid, demented, retarded, autistic, ugly, useless. But see, you don't understand how much those words mean to me. It might seem like I'm trying to get attention and pity, but it physically hurts me when I get called these names. I've struggled with self esteem too much and to be called those words hurt me like hell because it just gives me evidence that I'm not loved. They whack me for the mistake I am, and sometimes they tell me I am useless and I am not worthy to be here because I am just a waste of money.

But my parents would be sweet sometimes. Actually, most of the time. It's just when I disobey that they exaggerate, and they yell at me, and if I try to prove them wrong, they think it's excuses and whack me, hit, slap, push, and everything else. So I believed it was normal, even though they would physically and emotionally hurt me, I thought it was normal because it was a way of discipline.

I think because of her repetitive hitting, it caused me to get concussions sometimes. That's why I am really slow at schoolwork sometimes.

You read these words and they might mean nothing to you. But they shatter me. Words mean so much to me, and being called names like this even with my parents hurt me so much, sometimes I feel suicidal. Sometimes I just want it to be over. Noone understood me when I tried to get help here, and that is what motivated me to become a listener, to help you all. Especially being a teenager where you hit puberty and you're already losing some self confidence, your parents just prove you right that you're worthless and I'm nothing but a useless little girl that I'm not depended on on my family.

My sister doesn't help. She makes sure I'm always blamed for everything, but I guess that's okay cause she's still four.

I'm not here to gain pity or attention. I wanted to open up, because this was a big part of me I've held from everyone. I don't tell anyone about my self esteem problems or my abuse I've always encountered because they'd view me differently, and a part of me is scared to see my mom in jail.

I wanted to see people who encountered the same amount of hurt as me and I wanted to form a group of powerful people who overcame abuse. I'm stuck in this household until 18, but when I go to college, I hope the abuse ends.

Until then, I must encounter the hate my parents have on me (mostly my mom) and I hope all goes great for you too.