New to the group and don't even know where to start....

Hi everyone,

I am 29 years old and just broke up with my gf of 4 years, which resulted in me having to move back into my father's house. He is a hoarder so the house is always a giant mess, stuff everywhere. I only have about 2 friends and they are both the "masculine" type of guys, don't talk about feelings and constantly tell me to just "get over it" whenever I encounter a problem. My family is the same way, to the point where I don't honestly feel like I have anyone to talk to. I don't like my job, I hate the fact that I got a 4 year business degree and I now realize I hate the corporate life and I hate the paperwork and I hate the fact that I just got brough on permanent by my new job but I hate the actual position. I can't make a decision to save my life and have not been able to figure out what I want to do. I'm afraid to start anything for fear of screwing up or making a mistake, so when it comes time to take any action I instead sit on the couch and watch TV, and I always talk myself out of doing anything. I feel like my life is going nowhere and I hate the fact that I am basically all on my own in terms with dealing with my life, and everything is such a mess for me being 30 in a month and I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help but nobody will listen to me. I feel all alone in this world and I have trouble trusting people because I got made fun of as a kid for having a big nose. I cannot talk to people I get so overcome with anxiety that I almost pass out and get extremely tense whenever I talk to someone, so much so that being at work for 8 hours makes me too tired to do anything. I am rambling but I am laying out my thoughts as they come here. I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I feel like I want to talk to someone about this I tell myself to stop being a wuss and be a man. I've done things in my past that I am extremely ashamed of and although they aren't anything violent or as extreme as felonies, but just moral decisions that were horrible so I don't feel as if I deserve anything good anyways. I feel like I need help but don't have any idea where to go or who to turn to......I've tried suicide twice and luckily they've failed but I cannot help but shake this empty, sad and lonely feeling that has engulfed at least the last 12 years of my life......