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Hello,
Not sure what I should start with. I'm 29 years old, and lately for the past couple of years my depression has come back, and was told I should look into joining a support group to try and talk to someone.
As a kid, I struggled with ADD. Now I'm only recollecting from my own views of my childhood, but I also had family issues. I felt like I was constantly being rushed, yelled at, and ridiculed as a child. I had an issue with wetting the bed, and I remember getting yelled at every time I had an accident, but when I used to get up to use the bathroom at night I'd get yelled at for getting up too often. Whenever I accidentally spilled something or dropped something, or fell and hurt myself, I would always get a "Well that was smart", or "What part of your brain did you use for that?". When we misbehaved, my mom would usually yell at us, or ask us, "Who in the hell do you think you are?". My father would give us the silent treatment and wouldn't talk to us until he got over whatever we did. My sister was probably the worst, she always made fun of everything I did, how I acted, how I dressed, and told me I was stupid and ugly. This even went into high school, when I remember she got mad at me because my breathing was fogging up the window in her car, so she told me to stop breathing. For a large part of 5th grade up until my Freshman year of High School I was grounded because I got bad grades. My parents used to go as far as taking away my hair gel so that I couldn't style my hair (because that was important to me then). I wasn't allowed to go out to parties, or to see my friends or to have any friends over. Even in High School I was never allowed to go to any parties or anyone's house whose parents my Mother and Father didn't know. I just felt like no matter what I did, I could never do it the right way. I remember getting yelled at to hurry up whenever we went somewhere and I couldn't find my shoes or my hat. They used to wait in the car for me while I looked and I would dread if I heard that door open up to the house because then I knew I was getting yelled at for taking too long. When I took to long to make a decision I would get hurried or told that all the people in the line behind me were waiting so I needed to choose quickly. We weren't every physically disciplined, I mean we got spanked once in awhile but that wasn't so bad. I've tried to bring these feelings up to my parents but they always tell me I'm overreacting and that there are places out in the world where people have it much worse. I attempted suicide once after High School, but that was pretty much brushed under the table and no one in my family will ever talk about it, even when I came home, despite my psychiatrists insistence that my family address what's bothering me. But it was seen that I was just being overdramatic and asking for attention.
As an adult, I have a great fear of disappointing people, and I bite my nails, and I feel like I have severe anxiety. I have a hard time going out with people and I can't make a decision to save my life. I have issues keeping a job because I don't like the work, but can't figure out what type of work I'd like, I just can't figure it out, and I find myself looking to everyone else to figure out what I should do. I can't sleep, I have headaches, and I just wanted to vent this to someone other than a family member and see if maybe I am overreacting? I've talked to psychiatrists but they just give me medication to deal with it, but don't ever validate if there is something wrong with me.
I apologize for this thread being so unorganized but I'm trying to get everything out and recount all the events that happened over 20 years ago for some of it.