Introduction + Thank You

Hi, I'm IndigoRoses, or Caroline, whichever is easier. I'm a high school student. I've been active on 7 Cups for around a year now but became a member this past summer for a whole bunch of different reasons. I love hiking and writing (a career at BuzzFeed would be incredible) and I can (kinda) ski in the winter.

I made a forum post introducing myself a VERY long time ago but felt that it needed an update. There's a few things I've been meaning to say for a while but haven't been able to work up the courage. I figure that a new year is a perfect time to post this so that I can start 2016 off right.

--Trigger warning just in case, don't read the next paragraph if you aren't in a good place right now.--

I struggle with depression and self-harm, and have for around 5 years now. Bullying has been a common occurrence throughout my time at school, especially in middle school. I dislike myself greatly and this has led to the mindset that everyone else does too, which I'm trying to work on. There are many days where I lie in bed letting my alarm ring and am simply unable to get up. I'd have to say that I was at my worst about a year ago, when I cried myself to sleep almost as frequently as I self-harmed, and isolated myself to the point where I had pushed my friends away. I apologized for things that weren't my fault and had a deep hatred for myself. I noticed myself slipping back into this routine a few months ago and decided to join 7 Cups as a real member.

The first few days on my account were spent by silently observing the chat rooms. I would say, "Hi!" and nothing else, because nobody responded to me. Can I blame them? I was practically invisible. I barely noticed myself there. As I began becoming more comfortable, I started responding to the problems people were having in the chat rooms. Many of them were going through a lot of the same things I was, to my delight, and it was nice to be able to talk in a non-judgmental, safe environment.

I am still trying to break the habit of becoming an observer, or lurker, but it is still difficult. I have trouble talking in person and am incredibly shy. Some of my words don't come out quite right, and I often mix up words when speaking. That's why I love to write- I can plan exactly what I want to say and I know how it will sound when read.

This post has been all over the place, but I wanted to finish it off by saying an enormous thank you to a whole bunch of wonderful people.

Thank you to every member and guest, supporting me and loving me even when I couldn't love myself.
Thank you to every listener, both ones I have talked to and ones I haven't, for all the work you do.
Thank you to the friends I have made, for sharing your stories and listening to mine.
Thank you to the mods, who have been kind and have been known to give me compliments during discussions that I still have a hard time accepting (but I'm working on that too).

Thank you to everyone I tag below, for having a positive impact on my life, whether you realized it or not. You're all amazing people, and I appreciate what you've done for me and everyone else who needs some love. I likely forgot around 200 incredible people in the list below, so if you're one of them, I love you too :)

@canadagrander6 @Odetodoubt @amazingrea @ImL @Allergictodarkness0 @LadyAlexa @Givelove8 @221Skye @Kaylee @NewRomantic677

Thank you, 7 Cups, for giving me somewhere to turn when I was completely lost.