Introducing me (although I don't think I need attention)
Well, let's see. 3 years ago I met the most wonderful man in the world after a horrible divorce and an even worse short lived relationship with a man who made attempts against my life. We had the best year of our lives together until his ex-wife was in a horrible accident and we began to care for their child full time. (I know how awful that sounds, but I never wanted kids, and it has been quite the adjustment). To make a hard situation even harder, the grandparents (on the mothers side) have been fighting us for custody of that child for over 2 years now. I've been fighting for something so hard because I know its the right thing to do, not because I want to do it. The child's mother has come leaps and bounds since the accident. She has overcome the possibility of death and has done physical therapy religiously to the point she now lives on her own. She is a wonderful woman and has so much love for her child. She's not very good at the parenting aspect of it and so the child is unruly, demanding, emotional, spoiled, and selfish. This is extremely hard for me to deal with. My husband and I are atheist, neither of us are from the town we live in, our families are 4-8 hours away, we are very liberal, I am bisexual, and we have an open relationship. Needless to say, in this very Southern Christian, very conservitive, very judgmental town, it is extremely hard to be me!!!!!!!!!!!! I am extremely good at my job, I work extremely hard and am obsessed with perfection, I just do horribly with social interactions. I don't trust anyone, accept my husband, and so I live with constant fear that everyone is out to get me. I feel guilty about my antisocial responses sometimes, I just don't always answer appropriately because my anxiety gets the best of me, and I don't know what to say. Every day I come home feel like a failure, because good works just aren't good enough any more. you have to play the game, you have to kiss somebody's butt, It's not about earning and deserving, it's about saying the right things (which I'm terrible with), and figuring people out (which I'm even worse at).
I'm a terrible step-mom, terrible employee, terrible wife, and terrible friend. Thats me..... StrugglingStepmom.
@Strugglingstepmom Not to make light of your struggles and life, but you need to write a screenplay about your life. It is captivating, emotional, and powerful. We love you! We've got your back!
@ThomasLaughs thank you! lol I have discovered so much about myself since joining this community. I have done a lot of self reflection and realized some root causes for a lot of my emotions. Now, if I can just figure out how to manage that root cause we would all be in better shape :-P (especially my husband, and as they say here in the south "bless his heart")
love you too! I appreciate all of the support this site has given me.
@Strugglingstepmom
You don't come across as terrible anything! In fact, I was surprised by how you ended your post, because it was so warm and compassionate throughout. You sound like you've tried to make the best of a difficult situation for you personally, by considering everyone else's needs, maybe at the expense of your own. How does that make you terrible I wonder?
As for feeling anxious and judged by others, that does indeed sound very hard. May I suggest a first step? Try not to judge yourself so harshly, as based on what you've written, you have no reason to.
@DeborahUK Thank you for your uplifting words. My husband and I were talking earlier today about this very post and my constant struggles. We came to the conclusion that perception is my biggest problem. I percieve everything to be at its worst. I have a hard time seeing things might not be as bad as I have envisioned them or they may not be at all what I thought. I made a promise to him that I would work on that and see where it goes. This is the first time in my life that I have even remotely taken baby steps in a good direction. I just never could see the forrest for all of the trees....
@Strugglingstepmom
Not to be argumentative, but I disagree with your last line. That's not you. You are struggling with how you feel versus how you think you should feel. You are fighting for something you didn't sign up for. You have love for everyone involved, a fet difficult for most people. You are trying to fit into a box that you think would make others like you better, but you are amzing all on your own. You sound like an amazing person that I would like to get to know, the real you. Keep on keeping on! Much love!
@GentleRayn511
thanks, what you say makes a lot of sense. That recollection is my history. The last statement is how I feel because of this endless depression. I feel awful for not being the cookie cutter role model that everyone talks about. I'm not, I'm just not and never will be. I'm selfish, anxious, anti-kid, and weird. I have no issue being who I am as far as atheist, a swinger, and bisexual. I just have to keep it under a rock or people think I'm a Terrible person and living with that burden is almost unbearable. I guess we are a little weird and that makes me even more selfish for not being grateful for what I have and who I am. There are people way more suppressed than myself. Then... I just feel like a terrible person. Hence my last statement from the initial post.
@Strugglingstepmom
I'm bisexual, was polamorous, I'm a pagan, and I dislike most kids that aren't my own. There is no cookie cutter. The cookie cutter ones are hiding their insecurities and differences with "perfection"
Please don't talk about yourself like that because I see nothing wrong.
@GentleRayn511
i just don't know how to exist in a town where everyone "seems" so perfect. The little comments they whisper about other people bothers me so bad. I work in a public setting, I hear it from coworkers and customers every day. Everyone judges everyone. I hate the world we live in. I love my husband, my step daughter and her mother. I just want to escape with them and disappear from this place. It's awful. I don't know how to deal with so many people filled with so much hate.