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Getting over breakup & move from city to country
NavyBlueFlower November 22nd, 2015
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Hello all. I've met a few of you in chat. I'm a 51-year-old woman, 52 next month, and yes, that is a recent picture. (It was just done professionally.) My two issues are that they guy I've been in love with (in the back of my mind anyway) for 25 years (and who has in the past expressed the same feelings for me) married someone else in October 2014. He married a lady who shows me up in every way - thinner, younger, better skin, has a Ph.D., makes at least 80K, has a book for sale on Amazon that retails for 80 bucks, blue eyes, lives in the same city as the guy. So my second issue is that I was so depressed about it in 2014 that I moved from Toronto, a city I know and love and have lived in for 30-odd years, to a small northern-Ontario community where my parents live. I'm now living with my parents in order to take care of them in their old age and infirmity - my dad has Alzheimer's and my mother has mobility restrictions. I drive them around and do stuff around the house for them. But I miss Toronto like I never have before, and I miss my old apartment, and I am looking forward to getting back there some day.

I'm usually bummed early in the day about this guy, mainly because I don't enjoy what I do for a living - writing reports for a psychologist, dry, insurance-case reports that follow a formula and are heavily legalistic. In addition, the psychologist I work for is very difficult to work with - always telling me what I'm doing wrong, adding tasks that I can't bill for, asking me to switch reports I'm working on when he makes another report a priority. If I had my dream job, I would be a writer for a TV series, or I would make my own short films, or I would be a paid travel blogger, but I'm too old to be hired on a series, and the other two dream careers will have to wait until I retire.

Anyway, that's pretty much me. Heartbroken, but going on. I've struggled with depression my whole life, body image issues, basically I'm addicted to looking as good as I can and getting the compliments, and this guy who broke my heart gave me the best compliments I've ever had. As I write this, I'm about to take a trip with my family to Cozumel, so I'm looking forward to that. I make decent money with the psychologist, so that's not an issue in my life, but I don't have a workplace pension and have to save most of it if I want to retire on a decent income in Canada.

Nice to meet you. I tend to be wordy in my writing, so if you've made it this far, good for you.

2
squib November 22nd, 2015
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Hi Navy,

I think I've seen you around a bit... I hope you can find a way to draw a sense of worth from within, rather than relying on unreliable external validation in the form of compliments. It sounds like you're having trouble building a satisfying life despite having a lot going for you - beyond the ability to draw compliments you are intelligent and caring (shown by your helping your parents). Though my own circumstances are very different I know what it's like to feel dissatisfied with where you find yourself in life in your early 50s.

I also want to say your comparisons to the wife your beloved took are probably not helpful and probably not accurate, either. Suppose his wife learned about his past expressions of feelings for you and demanded reassurance that he didn't still carry a torch for you. Do you imagine he'd say, "You have nothing to worry about, honey, you are younger, have better skin, a PhD, a high income and a book that sells fairly briskly." Not if he knows what's good for him, anyway - and if that were his true answer I'd feel sorry for him! He's not married to her because she is "better" than you, it's more likely because they found ways to connect and commit that simply never worked out for you (for whatever reasons) in the many years before. I'm sure this doesn't make you feel any less heartbroken, but I do hope you can find ways to soothe yourself, recognize that your worth does not lie in your income, skin, age or publishing record, and work towards a more satisfying and meaningful existence!

NavyBlueFlower OP November 22nd, 2015
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Hi @squib,

Thank you; you've given me a lot to think about for sure. I just can't seem to get myself over this guy. It's been a year since he got married. I don't like it that they have a connection. It just hurts all around. I think it's because in the back of my mind, I've carried a torch for him for 25 years. It's not easily unlit.

I have to stop myself from communicating with him, because in my experience, doing so after you're dumped never goes well. I crave his company. That's a reality I'll have to live with for a while, I'm afraid. I've thought of starting a travel blog and traveling in order to take my mind off him and possibly meet someone new who blows my experience with him right out of the water. But that'll have to wait till next year.

Thanks again for your reply! It did make me feel better.

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