First World Problem

Sometimes traditional college doesn't make sense. My family is low income, and though I wanted to continue my education I couldn't have if not for the wonder that is online schools. I attend college online, get stellar grades, and don't have to pay for housing or food. I also will not graduate with a mountain of debt. Have you ever considered the online route? You are a bright, articulate woman and that is highly valued at online schools

You are allowed to feel the way you do. It is overwhelming. You are at a huge turning point in your life with tons of change. Change is inevitable, but it is also difficult to face & manage. (Actually you don't usually get to 'manage' change; it sort of just comes and you have to accept it.)

You are also allowed to ask for help! Your problems or concerns are as valid as anyone else's. Don't worry. There are plenty of people who want to help.

You may want to try and make a list of concerns, prioritize them, and think about them one at a time. Looking at everything you've described, and I'm sure there is more, anyone would feel like you do-- overwhelmed.

Through all of this please don't forget that of all the people you know, you are the one that is most deserving of your patience and loving kindness. Be good to yourself. You don't have to have the all the answers.

(I'm not supposed to tell you this as an 'adult', but none of us really know what we are doing! We're all just faking it and pretending we actually know what we're doing. We are all just building the plane while we are learning to sail the ship. Remember, I never told you this if anyone asks.)

As far as all the stuff you have in front of you, it seems like you are 'just' trying to figure out what will make you happy. (As if that is a small thing!) There is a Buddhist saying, "Don't worry, we are all going to die". Yes! You are limited in your choices by various reasons, but as long as you are not deciding whether or not to be a jerk to someone or bring harm to yourself, the choice you make may not be quite as important as long as you are able to make a choice.

I got a perfect score on my SAT. At the time, it seemed important and it did give me some opportunities I might not have had if I didn't score well. The truth is, years later, it doesn't matter. I got a perfect score on the GRE's. It seemed important at the time. Years later, it doesn't really matter. I graduated from a prestigious University with a few degrees. That seemed important at the time, and maybe it impressed someone who gave me an initial job, but that 'edge' lasted only a couple of months. I taught at the same prestigious university and obtained my Ph.D. with honors. I have published a few pieces of non-fiction and some small pieces of fiction. I bet you can guess where I'm going with all this.

Some friends & I set up a non-profit that fixed broken computers and got them in the hands of the disabled and we ran an Internet Service Provider. (This is in the days of dial-ups & modems.) That is something I am genuinely proud of doing. You can just imagine how a disabled person's life changed when all of a sudden they could reach the entire world without boundaries. The jobs I was able to get because of my education & connections were just a means of paying for the privilege of helping others. So yes. I guess it had some significance.

Now, I teach bilingual special education to 7th graders in one of the poorest areas in the country. I don't even have any of my non-education degrees or publications listed on my resume. My 'boss' has no idea that I have probably 12 more years of college than she does. It's not that important. Unless I am teaching at a university or publishing in my original field of study, I don't even go by Dr. JeffWM!

So, what is important? I have no idea! Try and do a 'mental' inventory and see what is important to you right now.

I don't believe there are any right answers. The only wrong decision I've personally discovered is making no decision.

I am a reader & writer by birth (I guess). For me, it helps when I write things out to clarify things. Write letters you have no intention of ever showing anyone.

I hope you can find the courage to treat yourself well and make the choices you are afforded. I'm glad you posted & that I got to read your post. I hope to see more!

Tl;Dr - be kind to yourself, prioritize things you need to face and face them one at a time, not all at once, know that each choice does not carve your destiny in stone, try and figure out what you want at this moment; that all you can control.

Be courageous! Be well!