revolving door of troubles

i think the worst part about having depression ( and anxiety, they go hand in hand sometimes) is that it's always the same problems over and over again. You work on them, things get better for a bit, then you slide back into the same thought patterns and you're stressed about the same things again.

I'm constantly struggling with the idea that I'm not good enough, will never be good enough. I'm not doing enough, i haven't improved enough, i'm never where i'm supposed to be. It's too hard to get there, it's for other people, not for me. That can be so debilitating. I can't make myself be better.

I can identify steps, yes. But some of them just seem so hard to do even then. Mostly because i can't see how to go forward.  ( I'm saying all of this in vague terms, but a lot of it is about my art journey and struggling with the idea that it's something i can actually do)

rationally, i know that the reasons i feel this way are because of a specific person trying to cut me down. And it worked! I am struggling so hard every day to fix myself. That person isn't here anymore, but it's like my brain is filling in the space they left.  I never thought about being good enough before, i just did what i wanted to do and that was that. I miss that part of me.

I don't know what i'm saying with all of this, it's just hard to deal with and i don't want to keep bothering the people in my life with the same *** over and over.