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affableStrings4654
1 1,936 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 80 Compassion hearts299 Forum posts217 Forum upvotes294 Current upvotes294 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 18, 2022
Recent forum posts
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overlooked
Relationship Stress / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 December 8th
...See more I have a friend that i struggle with under the surface. I keep having situations with them where I feel like they aren't appreciating my talents as much as our other friends, where they talk well of others but don't mention things that i'm good at. In general, i feel like this friend genuinely cares about me, but sometimes acts surprised when they remember that i can do things like sing, or craft, or do art. I find myself not valuing my own work because i don't think that they do. Or i think i need to work harder to get noticed by them, and that thought process isn't really healthy. i just feel very overlooked. but maybe i'm just being paranoid? what if they are saying the same nice things about me to others? that would make me feel ungrateful. ( this is consistent with the problem i have of feeling the need to impress the most difficult/discerning person in the room, and all other positive feedback gets lost in the wake of that one person's opinion)
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Dealing with haters
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 December 8th
...See more I have had a really hard go of it lately. I am an artist, and i have been increasingly finding it difficult to do any work, what with my work schedule being what it is, I've been exhausted and undermotivated. I have been trying to do small bits of art, just practicing the fundamentals in order to get better. But it's sort of made me feel like everything i do is basic. I have also been feeling like no one in my life cares about my art, often lauding other people over me, or talking about artist friends and not mentioning me at all. anyway, it has all been sort of combining into a perfect storm for me to feel bad about myself and my art, both skill level, likability, etc. It is coupled deeply with my feelings of never being good enough that have compounded extra hard lately. and then, today, while in this cloud of self-doubt, i got a comment that called a piece that i was actually quite proud of "generic af".  I really don't know what to do with disparaging comments.  I am really quite upset about it and I don't know what to do. I can't seem to calm down about it.
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people can't handle my problems
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 November 27th
...See more I've noticed that 1)talking about things that are stressing me out is a coping mechanism, and 2) people do not want to hear about all the things i have to deal with. I'm sure that part of that is a personal issue ( do I complain too much? Is my glass permanently half-empty? Or am I just dealing with an unnatural amount of troubles?) People ask about them. What's going on with you? They think that they want to know. What's troubling you? And so I tell them. Broken sink, family drama, work scheduling issues, resurgence of trauma, etc etc. And the silence that follows is so telling. They don't know what to do. They mostly just say, "wow, that's a lot." Am I piling my plate too high? Am I not doing the things that I need to to prevent these situations? Am i not communicating enough?  I don't know. All i know is that the world constantly wants things from me, and I only have so much to give.
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social relationships
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 January 25th
...See more I think i'm having attachment issues? I keep thinking that my friends don't like me, despite having no real reason to think so. i don't want to think this, but sometimes the feeling comes over me before i have a chance to squash it. I don't know where i stand with people a lot of the time. I usually try to gauge it by how interested they seem in talking to me, how much engagement i get. if someone makes plans with me and then breaks them, but we never make follow up plans, i often feel like they changed their mind about me. Did i say something off-putting? Was i too annoying? was i too much of myself? i don't want to mold myself to be what other people want me to be, but i often catch myself trying. to censor, to make myself small. I hate it. i don't really know how to measure my relationships with people, or my worth as a person. it's leaving me wildly vulnerable to other people's behaviors and i do not like it. not sure what to do.
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everything is scary and no one cares
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 January 22nd
...See more i don't know how we are supposed to live our daily lives like everything is normal when things around the world are so tumultuous. I probably shouldn't mention specific politics, but I have noticed that certain things have gotten very scary as of late. The constant threat of rights being taken away, the constant violence and cruelty and ending of lives. The feeling of wanting to change the world but knowing that you're up against so many people who think differently and don't give a *** about you. The environment being destroyed for profit, things constantly getting more and more expensive, stagnating wages, etc etc. I have my own inner world to worry about, but it seems so minuscule in comparison to things that have been going on before i was born and are likely to continue indefinitely despite so many people fighting for change. when it feels like the only solution that people care about is throwing money you dont' have at the problem. My landlord won't fix problems in my house, i have to beg for hours at work, my family is far away from me and on the opposite side of the political spectrum and falling further and further away from me emotionally. the brain likes stability, but it just feels like every aspect of my life and the world are constantly being threatened from every angle and i can't possibly do anything about it. but like, anxiety is just in your head, right?
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revolving door of troubles
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 December 1st, 2023
...See more i think the worst part about having depression ( and anxiety, they go hand in hand sometimes) is that it's always the same problems over and over again. You work on them, things get better for a bit, then you slide back into the same thought patterns and you're stressed about the same things again. I'm constantly struggling with the idea that I'm not good enough, will never be good enough. I'm not doing enough, i haven't improved enough, i'm never where i'm supposed to be. It's too hard to get there, it's for other people, not for me. That can be so debilitating. I can't make myself be better. I can identify steps, yes. But some of them just seem so hard to do even then. Mostly because i can't see how to go forward.  ( I'm saying all of this in vague terms, but a lot of it is about my art journey and struggling with the idea that it's something i can actually do) rationally, i know that the reasons i feel this way are because of a specific person trying to cut me down. And it worked! I am struggling so hard every day to fix myself. That person isn't here anymore, but it's like my brain is filling in the space they left.  I never thought about being good enough before, i just did what i wanted to do and that was that. I miss that part of me. I don't know what i'm saying with all of this, it's just hard to deal with and i don't want to keep bothering the people in my life with the same *** over and over.
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balancing everything
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 November 28th, 2023
...See more I have a very small following on patreon (less than 10 members) and someone downgraded from paid to free today and it makes me feel like a *** artist. I have been spending a lot of time at my day job, and have been unable to focus that much on my art like i wanted to. Every time i feel like i'm making progress in my art journey, i run out of time and have to go to work. And when I get back, i feel disconnected from what i had been working on before. I am making progress, but it's so disjointed and i can't really feel good about it. If my brain was better, i'm sure i could bounce back and forth easier. But i find it hard to show up because I'm always tired, always stressed, always struggling to navigate the social aspects of work and online spaces. Learning how to maintain a schedule for my art when everything else in my life is hectic and varied. I always have several interconnected problems that tug on my sense of self, my obligation to others, my projected worth, my career, and the balance of it all. While i am at work, i am in Push Through mode, and i just take every moment as it is to try and survive till the next time i have free time and am able to rest. And when that rest comes, all the things i have been putting aside in order to work come back all at once, and it's just tiring and stressful.
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blockage
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 December 8th
...See more So I'm an artist. I draw and paint, mostly. I have been doing digital art more often recently, but i do have a day job and lots of adult responsibilities. I also have depression. It's making it extremely difficult to finish pieces of art. I have a goal of trying to do one digital painting a month, and I"m always struggling to meet it. It used to be really easy for me to create things when i was younger. I got to spend a lot of mental energy on my art. I think part of the reason i struggle with it nowadays is that i am too critical of my own work. i am afraid of messing up or having my art look weird. perfectionism leads to avoidance. i don't know. it doesn't feel good. I want to be back to making things without the pressure that i put on myself. but I also don't know how to stop.
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