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affableStrings4654
1,856 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 80 Compassion hearts290 Forum posts202 Forum upvotes285 Current upvotes285 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 18, 2022
Recent forum posts
social relationships
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 January 25th
...See more I think i'm having attachment issues? I keep thinking that my friends don't like me, despite having no real reason to think so. i don't want to think this, but sometimes the feeling comes over me before i have a chance to squash it. I don't know where i stand with people a lot of the time. I usually try to gauge it by how interested they seem in talking to me, how much engagement i get. if someone makes plans with me and then breaks them, but we never make follow up plans, i often feel like they changed their mind about me. Did i say something off-putting? Was i too annoying? was i too much of myself? i don't want to mold myself to be what other people want me to be, but i often catch myself trying. to censor, to make myself small. I hate it. i don't really know how to measure my relationships with people, or my worth as a person. it's leaving me wildly vulnerable to other people's behaviors and i do not like it. not sure what to do.
everything is scary and no one cares
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 January 22nd
...See more i don't know how we are supposed to live our daily lives like everything is normal when things around the world are so tumultuous. I probably shouldn't mention specific politics, but I have noticed that certain things have gotten very scary as of late. The constant threat of rights being taken away, the constant violence and cruelty and ending of lives. The feeling of wanting to change the world but knowing that you're up against so many people who think differently and don't give a *** about you. The environment being destroyed for profit, things constantly getting more and more expensive, stagnating wages, etc etc. I have my own inner world to worry about, but it seems so minuscule in comparison to things that have been going on before i was born and are likely to continue indefinitely despite so many people fighting for change. when it feels like the only solution that people care about is throwing money you dont' have at the problem. My landlord won't fix problems in my house, i have to beg for hours at work, my family is far away from me and on the opposite side of the political spectrum and falling further and further away from me emotionally. the brain likes stability, but it just feels like every aspect of my life and the world are constantly being threatened from every angle and i can't possibly do anything about it. but like, anxiety is just in your head, right?
revolving door of troubles
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 December 1st, 2023
...See more i think the worst part about having depression ( and anxiety, they go hand in hand sometimes) is that it's always the same problems over and over again. You work on them, things get better for a bit, then you slide back into the same thought patterns and you're stressed about the same things again. I'm constantly struggling with the idea that I'm not good enough, will never be good enough. I'm not doing enough, i haven't improved enough, i'm never where i'm supposed to be. It's too hard to get there, it's for other people, not for me. That can be so debilitating. I can't make myself be better. I can identify steps, yes. But some of them just seem so hard to do even then. Mostly because i can't see how to go forward.  ( I'm saying all of this in vague terms, but a lot of it is about my art journey and struggling with the idea that it's something i can actually do) rationally, i know that the reasons i feel this way are because of a specific person trying to cut me down. And it worked! I am struggling so hard every day to fix myself. That person isn't here anymore, but it's like my brain is filling in the space they left.  I never thought about being good enough before, i just did what i wanted to do and that was that. I miss that part of me. I don't know what i'm saying with all of this, it's just hard to deal with and i don't want to keep bothering the people in my life with the same *** over and over.
balancing everything
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 November 28th, 2023
...See more I have a very small following on patreon (less than 10 members) and someone downgraded from paid to free today and it makes me feel like a *** artist. I have been spending a lot of time at my day job, and have been unable to focus that much on my art like i wanted to. Every time i feel like i'm making progress in my art journey, i run out of time and have to go to work. And when I get back, i feel disconnected from what i had been working on before. I am making progress, but it's so disjointed and i can't really feel good about it. If my brain was better, i'm sure i could bounce back and forth easier. But i find it hard to show up because I'm always tired, always stressed, always struggling to navigate the social aspects of work and online spaces. Learning how to maintain a schedule for my art when everything else in my life is hectic and varied. I always have several interconnected problems that tug on my sense of self, my obligation to others, my projected worth, my career, and the balance of it all. While i am at work, i am in Push Through mode, and i just take every moment as it is to try and survive till the next time i have free time and am able to rest. And when that rest comes, all the things i have been putting aside in order to work come back all at once, and it's just tiring and stressful.
blockage
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 February 1st
...See more So I'm an artist. I draw and paint, mostly. I have been doing digital art more often recently, but i do have a day job and lots of adult responsibilities. I also have depression. It's making it extremely difficult to finish pieces of art. I have a goal of trying to do one digital painting a month, and I"m always struggling to meet it. It used to be really easy for me to create things when i was younger. I got to spend a lot of mental energy on my art. I think part of the reason i struggle with it nowadays is that i am too critical of my own work. i am afraid of messing up or having my art look weird. perfectionism leads to avoidance. i don't know. it doesn't feel good. I want to be back to making things without the pressure that i put on myself. but I also don't know how to stop.
I think I'm just weird
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 October 14th, 2023
...See more I've been trying to get out of the house a bit more lately. Going to events every once in a while, that sort of thing. But when I'm there I always feel awkward. Like I don't know what to do with my hands. Eye contact is hard, I get tongue tied sometimes, I always feel like i am giving weird facial expressions. I try to gauge people's reactions, but I don't know if I'm connecting or not. Sometimes i just can't think of something to say. I want to make new friends, but I'm finding it kind of hard.
low level background anxiety
Anxiety Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 September 13th, 2023
...See more back from vacation and starting to slip back into my regular life. It's amazing how much not having responsibilities can positively impact your mental health! now that I am back, it feels like i'm forgetting something important again. A slow, creeping feeling of unease that just wont' go away. New things are scary again. ( ex. i'm starting some work at a new venue, with better pay and a little more responsibility, but it's too many unknowns and i'm trying not to freak out) My scope of the future seems to be shrinking again. I gotta focus on the next two weeks, instead of the full scope of my life. I know that i can bring meaning to my existence just by being me, but there's so much to maintain! (health insurance, bills, physical health, nutrition, etc) And because I'm working again, i feel like all of my time is slipping away. I'm not even full time but i have been working way more hours than before my vacation. I've piled my plates too high, and i can't seem to relax anymore because i always want to get things done. I have to be careful that it doesn't slip back into mindless productivity and anxiety about not making it.
New Wave
Depression Support / by affableStrings4654
Last post
 September 16th, 2023
...See more I'd been feeling better for a while. I went on a trip, got a good brain reset, but after working all week and dealing with my problems again, I feel like i'm slipping back into something. Having a hard time concentrating on things I like to do, mostly worrying about scheduling and not feeling like i have enough time to myself. I'm constantly a week ahead of myself, trying to plan for the future instead of where i am right now. I am also second-guessing all of my relationships with people. Coworkers, friends, everyone. I know it makes no sense, but i keep getting the creeping feeling that I'm annoying and nobody likes me anymore. ( which i know isn't true because of the behaviors that these people exhibit, but my brain tells me otherwise anyway?) I'm stuck on what to do with myself. I have many projects that I am in the middle of that I would love to work on, but I can't seem to focus on anything. I haven't been eating well. It's hard for me to cook for myself, and getting food outside of the house is often time consuming, and I don't have as much time as i would like. The house is dirty because the other people who live here don't clean up after themselves, and it makes it harder for me to clean. I have a few household items (ex. my bedroom lamp) that have suddenly broken down and i have to replace them.(Which may have to wait, since i have to build up my money again after the trip) I also have the equivalent of 3 jobs at the moment, as well as a budding art career, which makes scheduling difficult. I'm guessing that there are a lot of environmental stressors that I can work on in my living space. anyway, my plate is very full and I don't think I like it this way.
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