oh how i long to be yours
you never will be able to understand the number of times I long to be able to be yours, to know you and to love you, and to be loved in return. the number of times I rub away an ache in my chest simply from seeing something that reminds me of what I’ve wished for and not received.
it’s not quite being in love but it’s the closest thing to love that i’ve been able to label without healing new cuts or bruises. the simple nudge and nostalgia that follows is relentless in its pursuit as life moves me away.
sometimes I’m scared that I’ll lose this but then I feel another wave of longing and am reminded that my mind doesn’t forget things as easily as I think it does.
💔💔🫶🏻🫶🏻
So if you wanted to say something about "in the future" what might that be?
I can get how if your mom or others don't act well with the little comments how it is much harder to trust them with the bigger stuff.
People do find it really hard to listen to one another and it can be especially hard if your mom's moods are hard to tell. Do you think that she just projects her bad day onto you? What would happen if you wrote some of the bigger stuff down? Would she be more willing to listen if she read it? Some people are.
Therapists are supposed to be confidential. Do you do your appointments with your mom there? If not, you could explain to your online person that you would really like a certain conversation to be confidential and not shared with your mom. If she can't promise to do that, then limit what you share. I think that the only thing she would have to report is if you were a danger to yourself, but you seem fairly clear headed, just in pain over your loss.
In the future I hope to fight to be more open and relaxed about what I ‘need’ and who I want in my life.
(The comments about now and future were meant as in before = now and right around now/almost becoming an adult = future)
Sometimes…I’m an only daughter who happens to be the oldest child. So most of the time you could say I get the short straw. maybe sometimes? our lives kinda collapsed a bit ago and she doesn’t really get off days.
Not most of the time, but when my mom comes into my room during one my therapist usually does share some of what we talk about. It’s not to hurt me or anything but I think she wants more input on what to talk about. I don’t think it’s reporting it just the idea of talking about what she does to someone who probably would somewhat discount it. @bestVase7265
I love the idea of being more open about your needs and who you want in your life. You are right that does become easier as you enter adulthood and get a little more separation between you and your mom.
It is really great that you are recognizing that your mom's life may not be all that great at the moment and that is why she is shorter/angrier/more mixed up emotionally with you. As you already know, emotions are hard to control. But it can be rough when she hurts you unintentionally.
So, it sounds like the therapist would be quite open to not sharing something if you said one particular thread of your conversation that you don't want your mom to know about at the moment. That is probably the thing that I would try. Your therapist can be a solid ally for you overall though. Most likely there is certain things that your mom is less open to hearing about how you are feeling. When it comes from your therapist, it gives it more weight and then your mom can't dismiss it.
@bestVase7265 I am hoping to get much better with that, but not a lot can be done for right now. I try to understand where she’s coming from when I get overwhelmed with my emotions. If I said so to her, I believe that is right. Thank you 🫶🏻
I have had band camp and my brothers started school so I’ve been delayed quite a bit in responding, how has your week been?
You are already doing that by coming here. You are growing in all sorts of new ways. I actually see lots of maturity in your words.
I hope that your band camp has been going well and is fun. Our semester just started so it has been a boatload of work lately. But it is a stressful week or so every year. Today I think I lost my voice talking so much. Hopefully it will be better tomorrow. @StarrySkies1236
Thank you for saying that. ❤️
It was great! I got a little bored today because we were switching on everything and we had more than ten vocalists but it was overall really good. Oh yeah I bet. I hope that the next part of the summer-to-school transition is cleaner and less stressful. Oh no! I’m sorry, hope you get lots of tea, liquids, and maybe cough drops. Hope today was better. @bestVase7265
Thanks! It was. Just tired tonight.
Hope the band stuff was more exciting today. When do you start back? Are you looking forward to it?@StarrySkies1236
Hope you can get some sleep and peace. Thank you, it was only a four-day camp so that more ‘boring’ day was the last one unfortunately. I have different things starting soon, but my actual school classes don’t start for like two weeks. Yes and no, I want to be excited but I don’t want everything to rush by. I mean, like I’m going to be 17 soon. And that’s scary. Are you looking forward to anything coming up? @bestVase7265
17 is a cool age but a really scary one. Don't let the idea of "the real world" dominate how you enjoy living in the present. You will figure stuff out slowly but surely.
I don't have one thing in particular that I am looking forward to in the next few weeks, but lots of little things. I too am trying to live in the moment. So tomorrow I am looking forward to chatting with my son as we food shop and walking downtown with my husband after that. @StarrySkies1236
Thank you. Some of my friends are leaving for college and I’m fighting off the crying for some for them but there’s also a big part of me that wants to go back to 2020 and redo the last four years because it’s gone by so fast.
Lots of little things can be easier to get over than one big thing, and living in the moment can be difficult when moving on from something big. I hope you had fun with your family and that the next weeks can be full of some of the same. @bestVase7265
You are right - living in the moment is about as hard as it gets when you are trying to get over something big. But it is also one of the most healing things that you can do.
The moments can be really short - 15 minutes here, a half hour there. But recognizing that you had peace for those moments helps your brain begin to develop the capacity to move forward into even more "living in the moment" times. Small victories slowly build to bigger ones.
You are already doing this with the music and other things I am sure.
Days that you have where friends leave for college are tougher though because they feel a little like being re-traumatized and lost again. So those days you accept just one 15 minute of peace as a victory.
You are fighting for all those moments and from someone who is watching from a distance, I think you are doing a good job.
I’m getting to the point where the small victories are able to become bigger ones. I try my best to carve out time for myself, but sometimes it’s harder when people say things that demean it.
I have a couple friends that I am able to express it with but there are a couple of them that I’m unfortunately not able to say everything I would like to. One in particular is leaving a little later but I won’t get to see him in that time, I accidentally told a bunch of his friends something a while back and since then our friendship has never fully healed.
Thank you <3 @bestVase7265
I am sorry that some friends have been unkind and haven't understood. Not all friendships are made the same. Having a few close friends is often enough.
You are doing this. I can tell overall that you are moving into that "more good moments" stage. Don't let the other stuff pull you back down. @StarrySkies1236
I have definitely lost friends over the years. In the end it is okay. I slowly develop new friendships.
Do I often think that I give more to the friendship than my friends do? Sure. I bet they sometimes think the same thing about me. But each one of us adds to the friendship in different ways. At different points we all get drawn away from the friendship or need it more. The friendships that I have kept the longest have been the ones where I simply forgive the other person for hurting me. Of course there isn't anything easy about forgiveness. But once you give yourself a little time to calm down, it is the best option. Always give room for a friendship to reignite itself. It is worth it to try.
I hope that things have been going well for you. Just letting you know I was thinking of you.
today’s been conflicting, i talked out some of it with a friend but then also got myself thinking about him. so not sure to count it as a win or a loss. otherwise, it’s been so crazy and i can’t believe it’s almost full-blown school time. how has it been for you? has it gotten any better since before?
(can’t type for long)
@bestVase7265
No problem with short responses. Things are good. Getting ready for the regular semester to start. This time of year is always busy. Sending you positive vibes for the first few weeks.
Glad to see you posting again. My new semester has started okay. How about yours? The first few weeks are always busy.
I’m just really getting into it, not all of my classes started the same week, but I managed to catch something that has drained most of my energy. :( I’ve tried to stay positive but most days at my school I’ve caught myself thinking about ( the guy ), but good comes with the bad.
I was thinking about this earlier, but what are you looking forward to? Because I have a few things that are pretty important to me right now and they’re making things mostly okay. And last school year, I looked forward to Mondays because they were the days that didn’t fly by as fast, and also because I got to have more time with (the guy) and some of the other people there. I think it’s something that I don’t really ask myself but it’s a interesting question to think about.
Being sick would drain your energy and seeing your guy is both good and bad simultaneously.
I LOVE the idea of asking what you are looking forward to and thinking about it regularly. It can really help. For me, it would very much not be Monday which is a bit of a crazy day. I think week wise I will like Thursday-Sunday best this semester because I don't usually have to work as late. This week I am looking forward to Friday next because I will get to go out to dinner to end the week. @StarrySkies1236
Yeah my energy levels are struggling to recuperate and getting no extra rest time doesn’t help. Unfortunately I don’t get to see him, it’s just that last year I did and because I remember that, it’s hard. Not seeing him is good and bad as well, but the memory of when I did still is strong.
Monday feels less crazy because of what I have going on that day but the end of the week makes sense!! Ooh we like different and unusual things to look forward to. @bestVase7265
I know that the loss still hurts. It will get easier.
Different things are the best - aren't they? I don't like the mundane. My best moment today were two unexpected large cookies that came at different points. I should not have enjoyed them both, but the rest of the day was pretty *** so I said, "What the heck - just enjoy." And I did.
@bestVase7265
<3
I like having things that I know but are a little more rare, but I do tend to like the quiet more than the unexpected things. Mundane things can be boring but I have had some mundane days that were some of the best for me. Oooh we like cookies, and don't feel guilty for having two, you don't have to explain why you have a treat or something good other than food. Hope your dinner goes well and you can have some time for yourself this weekend!
Yes, but the cookies were the size of tea saucers and were quite thick. It ended up being a bit of a cookie meal, but I still remember it the next day so we are going to go with a win on the cookie front. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265 I have a random question that I’ve thought about asking a couple times, what time zone are you in? I feel like sometimes I ask about something and it’s the wrong day for you, or something.
I’ve started to do different puzzles recently, are you a puzzle person? Sometimes it’s word puzzles or sudoku or something else.
I am in the US Eastern time zone and go on between around 9:15-10 pm each night.
Yes, I am a puzzle person, but at the moment it is mainly jigsaw puzzles. I try to do one online one each day. It really helps me in terms of taking a short break when I am tired of whatever school work I have to do. @StarrySkies1236
Oh okay, I wasn’t sure if it was a pattern or because you were waking up to the messages. We function within the same times then! My phone locks around 9:30 and I don’t have access to it until a certain time each day, so I tend to be a little less consistent with my times.
Sometimes my grandmother and I will do puzzles but only really on vacation. @bestVase7265
I think what the puzzles overall really help with is that feeling of "I can't do this" or "there is no solution that I see" which are really common when you are grieving someone or you are depressed. Puzzles always have solutions but you have to work hard at them. @StarrySkies1236
I have noticed that, the sudoku is what I’ve been liking for the last week and subconsciously I tend to do them when things are worse. I’ve also made efforts to wear pretty outfits and make up, my favorite part is the eyeshadow because I don’t use just one color/shade and I get to mix and match to my hearts content. @bestVase7265
What great things to be doing to try to feel better! @StarrySkies1236
Oh, I can so imagine that feeling of wanting to be away from your family but being scared of the next step. Those are really challenging moments.
But that next step happens pretty slowly overall so it isn't as daunting as it is in your mind. You are more ready than you think if you are imagining a life without your family around all the time. Getting annoyed is part of the process of separating yourself from them.
So what does the next month look like for you in terms of starting to find that path forward? What steps do you think that you will take?
I think I’m just scared of the unknown. I also know that I am subconsciously growing away from a bunch of people so it’s not just my family. I think I always have been a little annoyed with them, right now it’s just magnified by hormones and stress.
Standing up for myself clearly and in a practical manner so I can get time back for myself. Right now the two days with nothing in them are pretty *** and my mom’s been no help at all. I’ve wanted to get a job or something but I also don’t have any time outside of Saturdays which I would rather keep as a day where I can get stuff done and do anything I don’t usually have time for. I’m only 16 so there’s not anything like moving out or college, but I think I’ll start looking into some things soon ish. @bestVase7265
I totally get the part about all of this being scary because you don't know how it will work out.
The easiest thing to do when those kinds of waves hit is to focus on what you can do in the next few weeks. In other words, think small rather than big.
Ok, so the timing on a job might not work right now. But you can do some research on some kinds of jobs that might interest you. That way if the time comes next winter or summer break that you would have time you will have thought about where to apply first. It also allows you to dream a bit without committing to anything. You could start to do the same with colleges. That makes everything seem a little less scary. It also makes you feel like you are doing something rather than just getting annoyed.
Where in your day would you like to find time for yourself? We might be able to strategize on that one. @StarrySkies1236
I want to try to think small, I thought I was doing a pretty good job with that but my mom gave me a whole lecture and made my anxiety explode so that’s been kinda not great for thinking small. I’ve done some research and also applied for some online gigs but there’s nothing that really grabs my interest. I think looking it up helps when it’s not my mom pushing it on me.
I don’t think I’m going to attend college. I don’t have any idea of a major and don’t want to get stuck with any loans or anything like that. I have briefly thought of working at a college, maybe at a cafe or something near one, because that seems like it would be fun and I’d be able to get away from my family and maybe I’d get to be near friends. I have Fridays and Saturdays but my mom has made it near impossible to get anything productive done the last three weeks. I’m being forced to apply to a TJ Maxx nearby even though I can’t really handle working, dealing with whatever crap I’m going to get from my family, any school work, or any personal stuff. Will update on that front after I talk to the people at the store tomorrow. @bestVase7265
Sorry to hear that your mom is being pushy on that front. A cafe near a college sounds great though! What about a cafe interests you? Do you like the serving idea or the cooking idea?
Listen to your heart as often as you can when it comes to jobs/careers, etc. You can "research" TJ Maxx by talking to people there but you don't have to take the job if it doesn't feel right. Remember that it is all "research" at this point - which kinds of things do you like or not like? If you don't like something after two months then find something different. @StarrySkies1236
Being able to have people my age, for one, then the cooking I guess?
She can force myself to do it though, if I don’t she’ll just start taking other things away. I wanted to do it before when I wasn’t sure how my schedule would feel, and I’m not sure how much I’d be able to do if she feels differently. @bestVase7265
Take it a step at a time. See what it feels like when you talk to somewhere who is interested in you. You will always at least partially be in control of the process. @StarrySkies1236
Today was one of the worst in a very long time.
The girl I’ve only just started to call my best friend is too self-centered to take my feelings into account where it concerns (the guy), no one has told me a damn thing about how he has this thing with one of my classmates/friends, my brother just made fun of how my body is, and I’ve been unable to focus.
I mainly just need to get this out because I obviously can’t tell said best friend all of this or it’ll become more than it needs to be.
Another friend said it was like she stabbed me in the back because she knows how I feel yet said nothing in warning or anything when i walked away from the convo after making excuses about class. I just wanted one thing that I didn’t have to make myself up for but I guess I can’t find the “me” friend for myself. I’ll be that one friend to everyone but won’t have anyone besides you and other cups people like that.
Two out of the four kids, second oldest and the youngest, have very lean builds and their metabolisms are fast. The other two, me and third kid, are the opposite. Second oldest says a bunch of things and never thinks anything of what they make me feel but third kid just acted all surprised when I said that I worked out and walking hurt in response to why I wasn’t going to walk home from my grandparents. And the ironic thing is, he does nothing to regulate himself or be in moderation for food. So he acts all hurt when people call him names but then acts like he’s never seen food before whenever he eats a meal.
Right now I start to think more positive thoughts and then immediately after I notice it, things get worse and something happens to reverse it and I feel like sh-t. It’s happened about three or four times in the last two ish weeks.
