oh how i long to be yours
you never will be able to understand the number of times I long to be able to be yours, to know you and to love you, and to be loved in return. the number of times I rub away an ache in my chest simply from seeing something that reminds me of what I’ve wished for and not received.
it’s not quite being in love but it’s the closest thing to love that i’ve been able to label without healing new cuts or bruises. the simple nudge and nostalgia that follows is relentless in its pursuit as life moves me away.
sometimes I’m scared that I’ll lose this but then I feel another wave of longing and am reminded that my mind doesn’t forget things as easily as I think it does.
💔💔🫶🏻🫶🏻
You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you back. It all starts with self-love. Do you love yourself? Once you start doing more of that then people come into your life who love you for who you are. You are very much worth of love. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265 somewhat? you could say yes in some ways and no in others. some of what caused the person i’m thinking of here to leave isn’t anything bad just him moving onto a different season of life.
Yes, but him moving on doesn't make it less painful for you. I am sorry. What kinds of things are you doing to care for yourself? @StarrySkies1236
@bestVaze7265 Music is something I’d say, I try to give my creativity space and time to breathe, my cats usually give me peace and comfort so I guess that counts, I need to have a bit more time to think on that though.
You just listed two wonderful things - music and your cats. Focus as much as you can on them and watch for the peace that they bring. Are you taking care of yourself physically - eating okay and getting enough liquids? We often forget the basics when we are down. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265 I try to, some days it’s hard with the liquids if I’m not at home. These last couple of weeks have been better though.
That's great. How are you feeling emotionally today?@StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265 Today’s been fast, it doesn’t feel like it should be June but it is. I’m serving at a summer camp this week so it hasn’t been too yet. Sometimes it just gets numb though. How are you feeling? I do want to ask you back, I’m not just being polite. ✨🫶🏻
Sometimes it can be a combination of numbness while also being busy. The busy helps but it all still feels a little foggy.
I am doing just fine. Thanks for asking. Getting ready for a trip in a few days that may be a bit nerve wracking though. @StarrySkies1236
I wish I even know how to love your self I'm just a loser you know
I hope that today was less foggy for you.
It is a pleasure trip but it will be a pretty busy one I think. I am taking my cousin who I don't know very well and I am not sure how much walking she can do. So I am hoping that I don't spend the whole trip worrying if she is enjoying herself. I worry a bit too much about making other people happy...
@bestVase2765
thanks! that sounds interesting, I’m going away for a while and currently packing so I understand the pre trip overthinking. I don’t have access to cups 24/7 and forgot to respond when I got the notification two days ago, sorry! Hopefully you can have some fun and not worry the whole time 🩵 I have the same struggle with being a bit of a people pleaser and trying to be nice but not overly nice where I let everyone walk all over me. How has it been so far? I’m assuming you’re on the trip now
Actually leaving tomorrow morning, so we will see.
It is nice to see someone on here who also tries to balance Cups with everything else and is thinking of others even while traveling. Yes, we might get stepped on occasionally, but I have finally decided that I'd rather get stepped on than be mean to someone. I just try not to let myself get too angry about someone doing something uncaring towards me by putting myself in their shoes. It helps me keep a better balance. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase2765 Ooh we’ll hope everything went smoothly! ( What time zone are you in? I’m just slightly curious ) Yes, I feel the same :) Most of the time I’d agree, I have had to step away from some situations though where I needed to be a little ‘mean’ but I really wasn’t being mean but just trying to take care of myself. Thinking of the other person usually helps me if I need to think about why being kind is important.
I am not sure what time zone I am in now to be honest. It has been a bit of a chaotic start to my break.
But it sounds like you are thinking nicely about how to handle people and moments that are tough to work through.
How are you feeling in general now?@StarrySkies1236
@bestVase2765 I feel that. Bad chaotic or good chaotic? I try to! Slightly tired, I just got done with two weeks of camp. And the second one I was serving at, so needless to say I think I’m crowded out for a bit. I have these views and some more to look forward to tomorrow, as we’re driving up to vacay. So it’s not terrible!
the photos aren’t sending…
Sorry that you couldn't get to send the photos but glad that you are escaping. Sometmes that period before you leave on vacation is the roughest in terms of stress. We continue to do well on our trip. My body still isn't sure what time zone I am in, but I am getting there. Enjoy your break like I am enjoying mine. @StarrySkies1236
How have things been?
I’m with my cousin and we’re at a lake for a few days so I’ve tried to not overthink but be wise with my time at the same time. On another subject, I’m realizing either I’m being too observant with things that tie back to that first post about ( the guy ) or the universe is trying to tell me something. It’s kinda confusing for my poor brain 😂 How has your vacay been? @bestVase2765
It sounds like we both had cousin time. My vacation overall was a good one. It was stressful caring for my cousin but we saw a bunch of things so that was good. The travel back and forth on the plane was the hardest and I ended up having a massive, loud panic attack. But I am working on forgiving myself.
You should do the same with trying to control all of your thoughts about the relationship. Every so often your brain is going to wander back there to process things. It can be painful though. Hopefully you are getting outside often with the lake. @StarrySkies1236
Yeah! :) Well I’m glad that it was overall good, and I’m sorry that the travel was so hard on you. Yes I think we all are at least working towards forgiving ourselves, and it’s a long journey sometimes. I try to stay somewhere between encouraging the thoughts and moving past them, but sometimes they get a little crazy. It’s unfortunately very humid so it’s not great outside weather but I just went on a nighttime walk with some family so that was nice. @bestVase2765
I totally agree with the weather making things not so pleasant. We can only walk here before 7 am or after 7:30 pm. Even then it is really warm. But the walks do help a great deal to reset your brain.
Glad that you are working on forgiving yourself as you process things. As an outside observer I think that you are doing a great job.
Hoping that things are going well for you.
I’m slowly learning what it’s like to live without you. Slowly learning what it feels like to wake up peaceful and remember that I won’t get to see you in class or sitting around in study hall. I’m realizing that I am no way ready to be back without you there. I’m not ready to see everyone and not expect to see you there, joking with your friends and I’m not ready to watch when I hear how happy you are. I said it would be fine and I wasn’t in that far but I’ve realized now that seeing you was the highlight of my day and I looked forward to hearing your quips even when they were focused at me. I can’t pretend that I don’t know you like I do, and it aches. It physically aches to think about how you’ll just be their friend attending dances and I’ll just be a friend’s friend and a former classmate. It aches to think about how easily you left and when I hear a song that reminds me of you. You will never know the number of times I go off in stories in my mind that won’t ever happen or stop myself from going on other stories in my mind because they won’t ever happen. I grew to be so suppressed that none of them figured it out and now I’m stuck with these feelings that are only mine to worry about. And I hope you know that you will always have someone wishing you well, someone who prays for you and your heart, someone who wishes you the best even if it breaks her to sit by and hear about it from others, someone who would stand against them when they hurt you if you just ask. And it’s going to break my heart. But I can be honest with myself and say that I would choose to meet you again and again. I would choose to ask you for help when the others would have grumpily done what I asked, I would choose to smile at you and to laugh when you said something witty, I would choose to care for you silently when I could see how it hurt you to sit and watch them walk away from you, I would choose to notice your moods even when it made me upset when your people did nothing to help, and I would choose to love you even if I knew you would leave me from the beginning.
🎶 I went to so many places looking for you in their faces
when you love someone and they let you go, don’t let it k-ll you: even when it hurts like he-: whatever tears you apart: don’t let it break your heart 🎶
You phrase all of that just beautifully. You are healing slowly but surely. But the pain now is somehow bizarrely worth it because you are richer inside.
I know that the future seems a little frightening because you can't imagine what contact again is going to look like and what kind of pain that you might be in.
But it will be in the future what it is now - a step at a time knowing that each step will take you to a new and eventually better place.
Do keep in touch on the bad days or moments if they come. It will help to be able to vent. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265
So I decided to read a complete trilogy which turns out isn’t complete and has two more books announced for the next two years….and now I’m feeling stuck inside myself and no know what to do with it. like it feels like I miss him but Ik we never really had anything that I could miss irl.
@StarrySkies1236
Learning doesn't get easier when time passes...the memories haunt me at the same time that they keep me company in my grief. I still look for you in the moments when I forget. I looked for you the other day and saw someone else, knowing that it was for the better but still wishing for the past. And now I hear that you won't even be a friend of a friend that I see, just another missing person from our shrinking group. And our friends are happier, so we should be happier yet I miss having you in the small way I did before. It still aches when I am reminded of you, and I don't know when it will stop. She knows now, and it feels better that someone knows but it doesn't take away the gap in my chest when I think of you. I love you, and that hasn't changed from when I stood up for you and when I hear them talk about you now. But now I'm trying to choose myself when you didn't, and it feels almost like a betrayal of what I thought we had. I know you'd be at the very least proud of me standing up for myself with other friends and I'm so grateful that you unintentionally showed me that I could stop letting him walk over me and be a good friend.
I sat in "your seat" yesterday. With the chairs and tables set up exactly like last year. The new class is almost a copy number-wise of last year. But none of them are you. I'll show up and do the work though, however grudgingly I do it all. I almost don't know what would be better; seeing you again much later or never seeing you again. I apparently hid my feelings before so well that the best friend that I have rn couldn't see anything different, but I might be rusty if I do see you soon. I'm sorry if I cause you pain or frustration, but I only have so many things that are mine. I hope you have the most fun in the world with your hawks, and your best friend, and everyone you have at youth group. Someday I might tell you all of these things, or I'll just smile at you and try to convey what I feel through my eyes, but I'll love you quietly from a distance if that's what I get. You are loved, even when you want to run away, or when you feel stifled or overlooked by everyone around you, I love you and think the world of you.
I so regret not being freer with my feelings and words. If I could go back and be open about my feelings I would. I would stand up and protect you from anyone in the world if I could.
you said forever and I almost bought it. I miss fighting in your old apartment, breaking dishes when you’re disappointed, i still love you I promise
norhing happened in the way I wanted, every corner of this house is haunted and I know you said that we’re not talking
but
I. miss. you. I’m. sorry.
Sorry that you started an incomplete series. It can be tough when you have a plan for helping time pass more quickly but then you can't follow through.
I had something similar happen in the last few weeks. I don't get a chance to read lots of fiction books for fun because of all the reading I have to do for work. Only during the summer can I sneak in a novel or two. Well this summer I had one on my list that I managed to get at the library. When I got home I found out it was number 7 in the series. I read it because I didn't have time to pick out another one but I was totally lost the entire time. Oh well.
Is there another book that you could start instead? You are right that reading will help.
Sending lots of peace your way.
It definitely is. I’m sorry that you have felt similarly, summer is definitely a time where you can read more often. That sounds terrible, which series if you don’t mind? Probably? I primarily read online because I don’t have a great local library but I can’t access it 24/7.
Sending peace back to you as well. <3
Well I managed to get two novels done in the last month or so.
The first one was called Mother, Daughter, Traitor, Spy by Susan Elia MacNeal. That one I did like and it wasn't part of a series. It was about a mother daughter spy team spying on American Nazis in Los Angeles near the beginning of World War II.
The other one that I just finished was called The Dark Archive and was part of the Invisible Library series by Genevieve Cogman. It was number 7.
But my favorite one of the summer thus far was for work. It was Safiya Sinclair's How to Say Babylon: A Memoir. It is just a really rich story. At times it was sad but it was great to see how she was fighting back against all the bad in her life. @StarrySkies1236
They sound intriguing!
I wasn't sure if I would recognize them but I didn't, I might read them soon.
Sometimes sad stories have the most truth and draw to them, I'm not necessarily a nonfiction person but if I ever read it, I'll let you know my thoughts. No matter the genre, seeing the main person in any book fight back and stay strong is always something you like to see. @bestVase7265
The last one isn't fiction, but it isn't really non-fiction either. She is very much a poet who finally finds herself through her poetry. So her phrasing is quite beautiful.
Anyway, I am sure that you have lots of other good things to read as well. Reading is a great way to heal and rest your brain.
I hope that you are doing well otherwise. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265 That sounds very refreshing. Yes, especially when there’s not much else that does the trick. I hope you are doing well as well.
Thanks for asking. Right now dealing with an icky head cold and low energy. But you just have to move through it sometimes. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265 Colds aren’t fun…my family recently caught something but luckily it skipped me. The only thing is that my voice feels strained but hopefully with several cups of tea (actual tea lol) it’ll be at full strength and capacity Sunday. Yeah, sometimes there’s no option to opt out of life. I’m almost in the season where I cannot get sick or I’m behind on everything so I’m soaking up all my free time before I start working.
Hope you feel better soon <3
Thanks, still feeling really *** at the moment as more family members come down with my cold. I need to turn the corner soon as I too am about to head back into busy season where I can't be sick. Yesterday and today were a bit too busy so I will slow down again starting tomorrow. And drink tons of tea like I have been doing.
Glad to hear that you haven't caught a bug and are overall doing okay.
What is going to make the next bit busy for you?
): Getting everyone else sick is never any fun, and even if they don’t say anything it’s hard for the person who got it first. Hoping you feel better soon and the busyness isn’t overwhelmingly chaotic. Yes, tea and liquids are always good. Try cutting a bit of dairy or gluten out, I got sick a bit ago and doing that helped me get over it. <3
I have band starting soon and start going back and forth from my mom’s and dad’s. I also need to start working so that’s not any help. What’s going on for you? @bestVase7265
Thanks. Feeling a bit better tonight than last night. Hopefully I am turning a corner. Friday and Saturday were really hard in terms of lack of rest and today was better in that regard. If I move slower, I do better.
Band sounds like a good thing. It will be better to be a little active and have something to do. Are you feeling a little better overall?
I too am headed back towards school. We start our workshop in another week so I have lots of stuff to prepare. @StarrySkies1236
Yay! Hoping it continues and you can get some good sleep.
It’s a good way of keeping myself on my toes because I’m not that great with sight-reading, etc. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I told one of my close girl friends about him though because she goes to church with him and sees him more often than I do, and it felt good to get it off my chest and I’m hoping she gives me some information that causes me to move on faster.
Hoping your school isn’t too busy and you don’t have a overwhelming amount of chaos. @bestVase7265
Any time that you are able to unburden yourself with a friend is a good thing. It is keeping it all in your head bouncing around that does the most damage.
I am also glad to hear that you will be doing more sight reading. Music really does keep you on your toes and puts your brain in a much better spot. I have never been good at meditating at all because I have trouble focusing myself. Doing music gives me that focus. It has really been a lifesaver. Performing with others just makes life better because you know that you are part of a team.
You are slowly doing the work to get you to a better spot. Go you! @StarrySkies1236
I’m working on getting more things out of my head and letting them go easily. Sometimes I want to quit but I’ve still got the joy in it so I haven’t quit yet. I am the same way, instead of ever saying things when I’m part of a group I usually get distracted by music or my own thoughts. I have some friends in my band and they make it a lot better.
Thank you <3 @bestVase7265
You are doing a really good job. Some days will still be hard. But persistence is everything. @StarrySkies1236
Thank you. <3 @bestVase7265
@StarrySkies1236 It's okay to feel this way, to hold on to those moments of nostalgia and longing. They are a testament to your capacity to love and hope. Remember that these feelings are part of your journey and growth. Even if life moves you in different directions, the strength of your emotions shows that your heart is resilient and capable of great love. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in these feelings, and with time, healing and new opportunities for love will come. Stay gentle with yourself and hold onto hope.
All of those emotions that you describe are the normal ones - numbness, anger, and a desire to go back to a past that doesn't exist anymore. Rebuilding is really gradual, but it happens. Focus as much as you can on living in the present. You are doing this and you are starting to heal.
I just want to feel something that’s familiar and warming instead of freezing. Like my mom tries, ik she does, but all she ends up doing is hurting me through the things she does. And now I’ve shut myself off emotionally so even the people I would want to notice it can’t.
Lots of people have tons of trouble understanding all of this. They make so many hurtful errors. I am sorry for that.
Unluckily though shutting yourself off and closing down your emotions makes things harder. You don't have the "oven vent" to let off the steam that you need to from what is going on in your brain and then the bad brain chemicals take over.
If you could talk to someone besides your mom who might that be? Sometimes coming up with a plan makes things easier. @StarrySkies1236
It’s not on you that they’ve made so many hurtful mistakes. I am sorry if you have had anyone do the same to you.
I’ve realized that in years prior my defense mechanisms worked great for the ‘now’ but they haven’t really done anything for me in the ‘future’. Whenever I had let my emotions go healthily, things didn’t really go great. Nothing that bad but enough to make my shields go up.
I talk to someone online for therapy but she seems a little close to my mom and I’m not sure if she’d tell her that topic came up.
She’s just so inconsistent. Even with chores, she’s either really hands off or mad because we didn’t do all the chores that could be done. And whenever I try to talk to her about it, like I did just a couple minutes ago, she doesn’t actually listen to what I’m saying. She makes it about me being defensive when she does the same thing in ‘parental conversations’. @bestVase7266