loneliness is suffocating me

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years. Dark thoughts have already become a part of me. But the most offensive and painful thing for me is loneliness. In my entire life, I have never known what love and affection are. My mother showed me affection only after she yelled at me or hit me. This distorted my understanding of love. My father was always cold and never defended me in quarrels with my mother. He just sat in the next room. My brother also beat me.

I am very upset that in my life there was no person who loved me, the real me. I have never known love. It hurts me to watch how everyone around me gets married and starts a family. I don’t even have a chance for this. I feel wrong and miserable. Do I really not deserve love? Will I really never know love in my entire life? Why am I surrounded by coldness, loneliness and dark thoughts? I want to hug the person I love. I want to cry on his shoulder. I want to feel warmth and closeness. I want to feel like someone is on my side.

This is unbearable for me. I didn't choose to be alone

I know that I need to love myself and not depend on another person. But it's hard when I've always had to earn love for others, and I've never been good enough for it.

P.S. Sorry, English is not my native language. So there may be mistakes. I just wanted to speak out