i am aware of things but i cant believe it

i need someone to tell me physical abuse in any way by a parent is not alright. i cant understand if my situation is serious or not. they say they had the worse and their actions are not even enough and cant even called beating up. i dont want to go spesific but i think they were enough. they act caring and supportive in other ways at the same time. its confusing. i dont know what to expect from them. i dont expect from them anything in generally anymore. they feel like strangers in the same house. one day getting hugged and one day getting hit is confusing me. I get very angry when it happens to someone else, but when it happens to me it feels normal. i know it sounds really distorted but i want to get beaten up and there were times i pushed them to get physical