had been doing better, but seem to be relapsing again

I have experienced depression since my teens, and am quite a bit older now. I've become used to fighting this battle every year - it gets worse, it lifts, then I'm down sinking in the muck again.

There are certain times of year when it's much worse for me - and winter, ironically, is not it. However, counselors have told me that depression getting worse from February to April, or even in summer, is in itself a form of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). That's just what I've been told - don't know if it's true.

This past winter, for the first time, I was able to meet with a psychiatrist. In all my history, no one ever referred me or suggested a psychiatrist - which now annoys me, but oh well. So I was put on a medication that I had never tried before, and it was helping for a while. I had gotten through my first "worst season" without feeling.... "awful" and nonfunctional.

I'm still on the medication, have been seeing my therapist and staying in contact with longtime friends, even made one or two new ones. As an autistic, that's major progress for me!!

But lately .... I often tend not to notice depression creeping back in until I'm already in the fog. I'm experiencing that again, but I believe it's because my family and I are about to go through another major life transition -- and honestly, I'm tired of it!!

I'm tired of all the changes, of losing people, of my kids growing up and moving on (yes, Empty Nesters in progress), and looking after my older relatives who seem to have turned mean, angry, and spiteful overnight. I know that's probably not the case, as I have less patience with people than I used to. I hit menopause and everything went wonky on me.

So I guess too many changes over the past couple years, and more to come, and everything feels so empty to me lately. I do get lost in gardening, weeding, etc. on nice days when it's less buggy outside - I can garden and the entire day can zoom by. I just did that this morning, but one of my illnesses really acted up and I had to stop.

People talk about Empty Nesters and midlife as though it's a short period of time, or a one-time thing and it's gone. That's not my experience with it at all, but to each their own, I guess.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Cranberry