going through the motions

//heads up: super disorganized wall of words type of vent ahead,, my head doesnt feel clear right now,, reader's discretion advised </3

im so scared i will never find my way out of this awful state of mind. im an outsider among those that're supposed to always be there for me; so they claim, anyway. my mom hates me. she lovebombs me often, and the lows get lower every time. i havent told her that i loved her in around two years. her love means nothing real to me anymore. i dont care if it sounds harsh right now. ive seen her duality and it tells me enough. one wrong move and she could turn against me. my siblings never cared, and they definitely dont seem to care now. i dont even remember the last time we spoke and got along. i feel like the older i get the further i disconnect from everything because i continue to realize how badly im being treated and that i desperately want to get out of here. i know at least on a partial level that this is my fault. im not trying to put all the blame on them for my issues, but theyre certainly NOT helping. i cant talk to anyone about anything without worrying that im going to be taken to some institution against my will; as my mom has threatened a handful of times. i feel like im around the wrong people irl to be dealing with whatever it is im dealing with, and i cant legally distance myself from them yet. anyone who i feel CAN help seem so far away. im getting physical symptoms from the stress, and i just genuinely feel like a zombie. thats the most accurate way i can describe it. i FEEL dead. expired. at the point of no-return.