a sad little story

As I'm writing this, I'm listening to one of my favorite songs to cry to; telephones, by vacations. I recently lost touch with someone who meant a lot to me and he doesn't even have the slightest clue. I have been depressed for years now, but slowly improving (yay), I've been up and down too much and it's the most exhausting thing I have ever experienced. I'm high functioning for a bit but I quickly lose all steam. I stopped trying to make real friends for a long, long time, because of how ashamed of myself I felt, but then this guy came around, and he made me feel so seen. Literally was one of the only people I've ever met who made me feel genuinely less alone. For the first time in ages I could be vulnerable around him. I told him some pretty personal things that I haven't told another soul.

And he's just gone now. I miss him so much, even if he used me. I feel like the world's biggest burden to everyone I come across. But he made me feel different, and it was so nice to feel that way, even if it was only for a short while. I helped him through a pretty rough time, and the last time we talked, that was all he mentioned. I reached out to him first as I hadn't heard from him in weeks. He just talked about himself and never once did he seem interested in me. He simply mentioned that he's made some new friends and had found a boyfriend after I mentioned that I hadn't heard from him in a while. It was awful and reminded me of old toxic friendships where I was always the "therapist friend." I helped him heal from a devastating heartbreak and soon after he just disappeared. But he was so thoughtful and kind to me as well when we were talking. Would ask me how I'm doing and he helped me feel better a lot of the time. I just couldn't really believe how quickly he had changed.

We went from texting every single day and calling often, to nothing but the cruel, bitter, lingering silence of a slow death. Everyone I've ever loved always leaves. That's why I hate being vulnerable now, because what's the point if the ending is never good? And I know that that's just life, but it's like I can't catch a break. Writing about it does help and it feels kind of nice to be feeling stronger emotions again. To this guy who I actually thought was pretty alright, I miss you. and thank you for helping me forget about reality for some time.