Was told I have moderately severe depression.

I had an appointment with a mental health practitioner yesterday - this was my second one with her as our first appointment overran and honestly, this one did too. I had told her everything about my issues, all of the problems that I was having and wanted help with. I was not at all expecting to be told that, according to my symptoms and my PHQ-9 score, I had moderately severe depression.

I thought that because I no longer self-harmed and my suicidal thoughts had greatly decreased in frequency, that this meant I wasn't depressed anymore. No, it apparently just meant that I didn't have severe depression anymore. I still have negative thoughts, still horribly fatigued, I still can't do anything meaningful without an external deadline and sometimes not even then, still have no energy to do anything, I still lie in bed all day and just watch YouTube videos. I thought that was just because of autism, but apparently that is still depression.

At first, I was shocked. Then I felt resentful. I've spent about two years in psychotherapy already, and my thinking was, "Was that all for nothing then?"

But then I tried to remember what I had been like before the psychotherapy. Having constant thoughts of hurting myself. Thinking everyone around me was trying to kill me. Being utterly terrified of hurting others. And I realise, I have come a long way thanks to this therapy. I'm just not fully recovered yet - and that's understandable, I'm thinking as I write this post. A lot of things have happened in the last few years. COVID, the cost of living crisis, my entire life being overhauled as I moved to and started university. Now that I think about it, it really isn't that surprising that I never fully recovered. I also faced a lot of barriers to the psychotherapy as I was a child and was scared of what they might tell my parents - my parents also didn't like the idea of putting me on meds.

But now I am an adult, I no longer have this problem, I have control over therapy and I am allowed to decide what medicine I do and don't take. This makes me feel that without these barriers, this new therapy can signal a new change in my life - a change for the better. I look forward and I feel hopeful for getting the help that I need and deserve. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, at last.