Unworthy of being a father?

I know that this seems like a very "Teeny" thing to say for a teen like me.

And that some will say that it's too early to say such things, but I will say it anyways, it's been weighting on me.

The whole topic of marriage, raising kids, and the future generation have been a peak interest to me for years.

I've dreamed about having a daughter, specifically named Layla (I just adore the name for no reason)

So I found myself indulging in various types of content including raising kids, how to be a father, what it takes for marriage, and all that for quite years.

I even came up with that topic on my weekly English speaking class in my school, when the teacher let us choose any topic we like.

I'm a traumatized teen, with quite the cruel past due to my parents.

Long story short, but they are incompatible, they argued ever since they got together untill now, and me and my siblings were their victim.

All 3 of us siblings have really deep unhealed traumas.

My father is the typical abusive father.

He doesn't have strength to physically abuse now, but he used to hit my brother and my sister.

He is currently a lost cause, no value as a human being other than bringing food (Even the food is always from his choice, he gets us what he likes, not what the family wants)

My mom obviously turned into this pile of broken glass, as she endured too much for us, and then she turned into a negative person.

So basically, I'm a child of a very negative environment, not a single person in my family is normal.

Even my relatives, from both parents's families.

Nobody is normal.

Even my first cousin who got raised really well, in a very positive productive way.

He's in an even worse spot than me now.

Those who were normal, turned abnormal due to the environment.

Back to my main point, being a father in this generation.

It's confirmed that it's a liability.

A pile of responsibility that will mostly not pay you back the efforts you will put in, and it's a sin when you totally neglect it after the children are born.

Realizing that made me understand why many people choose to stay single their whole life.

Some religions say that it's just a good deal with God.

And a terrible worldly deal to have.

But the biggest issue that led me to the title of this post, is how 90% of parents get married when they don't deserve it.

Why have children you don't raise?

Why put yourself in a responsibility you won't endure?

Why??

If you don't want to raise, then don't have kids.

Or excuse me, just wear a condo_

Not just many, but most people are not strong enough for this responsibility.

I pass by a kindergarten everyday to school, I literally saw the look in these kids eyes...

They are broken...

On a very very early stage of life...

People usually felt depressed on their adult years, and maybe their late teen years.

Now kids are born depressed..

The only angels that brings happiness next to animals and nature..

Are broken..

And the funny part is that even though I have learnt so much about raising kids I still don't feel like I deserve it you know?

It is not easy it is really not easy no matter how much you learn about it, you will still make mistakes when you raise your kid.

So imagine the people who did not learn anything about it

It's insane for me how you can decide to have a kid and you don't even like know the basics of raising and then you just throw a phone at them on iPad and then just escape it.

Which are the worst possible things you can give to children too.

Technology is an all in one package to destory a human being who is starting to learn how to be human.

Children need 2 parents.

It is in our system to crave the nature of the father and the mother.

The logic, strength, the courage, the ability to take risks from the father.

The kindness, the humility, the knowledge, and the pureness of the heart from the mother.

Children needs both.

All I see are parents that are not strong enough to raise, so the children comes out broken, weak, unprepared for the real world, and cause chaos.

We are at a point where even if you raised your kids properly he will still be corrupted because 90% of the kids in their school are brainwashed, and traumatized.

Brain rotted introverts who are always on their phones, talking about useless topics, dating, and meaninglessness.

How can I be a father in this generation?

And it's getting worse, like it doesn't get better with more generations and this is especially is the worst time ever because of how quick technology is

I have always wanted a daughter, but it seems like a false dream.

If strong people who learn about raising, are suffering to raise because of the world, then how would I be ablr to?

I'm a weak person, and I'm not getting stronger with age.

How come someone like me, who learns about kids, be too weak that I'm not worthy of taking the responsibility, and then you find people who don't know a single thing about kids, have tons of them?

It's too unfair.

I say to myself that I give up on wanting a daughter, yet I can't help but feel pain whenever I see little girls.

Logically, it's not a beneficial dream to achieve.

And failing at it will resort in creating more victims, so why follow it?

It's a double ended road that leads to the same thing.

Both are painful.

But atleast not having it won't harm any more innocents.

It's probably the worst "Real world" cruelty that I have learned, after the psychology of the human natures.

It saddens me.