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University has altered my perception of friendships

User Profile: PopPunkPrincess17
PopPunkPrincess17 March 25th

Hi, I am a 22F. After graduating college and enduring mental health problems throughout undergrad to the point where it has drove several people away (multiple people have blocked/unfollowed me on social media, I will admit I have said and done things that I regret), along with losing connection with the majority of people that I knew from college (I would say that post-grad, roughly five people from uni text me, occasionally), I am afraid to make new friends or attend in-personal social events. My perception of friendships has been altered to the point where I have racing, repeating thoughts and worries of people betraying me, excluding me, abandoning me, or cutting me off out of nowhere. As a result, I tend to isolate myself from people to avoid being hurt, sometimes ghosting people, emotionally detaching, or delaying responses to texts. I often will assume the worst of people to avoid being seen as "delusional" or "getting my hopes up" or otherwise *** myself over for choosing to see the best in the wrong people. I do not feel like I fit in anywhere, not even in social groups with people who are similar to me. The most I can do is make maybe one friend in a big group and break off. I recently thought I had made a new best friend before things became emotionally abusive and toxic after three months, and I ended up having to cut off a considerable amount of people out of my social circle as well, since we share so many mutual friends and common interests. I even developed hatred of myself and my body because I thought I was too ugly, too fat, too dark, too poor to make friends in university. I'm thinking of taking medications but at this point I don't know if I am going to heal from everything. I try to find community in online chat rooms and shared spaces, but I have trauma from the *** app (a lot of cyberbullying and exclusion on those servers) and I'm afraid to use other platforms like MeetUp or Bumble BFF. I see all these posts about "every girl deserves a supportive girl group" but I feel like they don't exist or that they're not for girls like me. Every social group I join I always feel like the odd one out or that people are talking *** about me in secret. They say that isolating yourself from others is bad for your health, but I feel like I'm probably safer this way (I cut most of my family members off because I know they dislike me) because I have developed a deep mistrust of others. I don't think that I deserve a healthy friend group, friendships, or relationships.

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User Profile: Owenthered
Owenthered March 26th

Hi, sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Could you tell me what sort of mental health problems that you had to deal with before you graduated? If you prefer to private message me instead if you feel more comfortable please feel free to do so. I don’t think your very last sentence is very helpful for you to think about. Negative talk isn’t really going to help and will probably just make things worse if it hasn’t already. I am also someone who too currently struggles with mental health issues especially also in the past. 19M here.

2 replies
User Profile: PopPunkPrincess17
PopPunkPrincess17 OP March 28th

@Owenthered

Nothing diagnosed but I suspect that I have general anxiety and depression. I am afraid to see a psychiatrist or take pills for it out of fear of it showing up on my medical record and making it harder to get hired by employers or just have it used against me in many situations (even though, from a legal standpoint, employers cannot discriminate against you in their hiring practices based on disability alone, although I hear horror stories on social media, such as how people who have hid their disabilities have received more callbacks/interview offers than people who have stated their disabilities on their application). As for the negative self-talk, you are right, but it is something that is very hard for me to break out of. I find it very hard to truly accept compliments and words of encouragement because to me they begin to seem meaningless, like people are just saying these empty things to be nice, they don't really mean them. I find it very hard to trust people now and I have become more and more obsessed with distancing myself from my own friends out of fear of them not liking or accepting me. Although it is peaceful to have a small social circle/dry phone, it can also be very lonely at times. I am always on edge and feeling like people are *** with me even when they are not. I am still traumatized from what happened in uni because I chose to see the good in him instead of going with my gut and now I paid the ultimate price. 

1 reply
User Profile: Owenthered
Owenthered March 28th

I understand. Thank you for explaining.

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