Trying to keep going

I’ve been seeking help, trying to overcome these feelings and these bad experiences I’ve been having around other people. It’s been really hard for me to connect and be around other people so I’ve started seeing a few therapists and even joined a therapy group.

I realized that I’ve grown up in a very sheltered environment where I never was made to feel comfortable being myself, speaking up and expressing how I really feel. while Im working on forgiving my parents as they are very reserved, quiet people.. I still have realized that My family has been at the center of alot of the issues I have with others and myself and the general sadness I’ve had throughout the years and especially the last few months. 

While I’ve been slowly been taking the steps to break out of these learned habits and ways of being, I’m still at a point where it is still difficult to be around other people and I don’t really have many friends or even opportunities to practice being comfortable. 

Unfortunately right now they are mainly all I have and it sucks because outside of being   a sibling or child, they do not care about me nor know me as a person and the core of who I am. And they probably never will because this all they know. I’m usually ignored or just deeply misunderstood and although I’d like to not rely on them for that sense of support and community, things outside are really bad and my social anxiety as well as not knowing how to open up and interact with others gets in the way of me making any real connections. 

I always feel lonely but even more so now and it makes wanting to continue on with life so much harder. Ive been feeling really depressed because I just feel so alone and these feelings are just getting heavier with the more bad experiences I have.  And even with the good ones like progress Ive made or breakthroughs I’ve discovered, not being able to share them with anyone hurts. 

My group and my therapy meets only once out of the week and sometimes it just feels like I wait an entire week (or sometimes more if they’re cancelled ) just for an hour of talking to someone. Both of these will end soon as my university only provides a few sessions per student and I don’t know what to do anymore, cause it felt like that was all I really had that was positive right now. 

With all of that said, I guess what I’m saying here is that I just don’t know how to continue with this journey, this sadness I feel when no one actually cares about me and I don’t actually have anyone to lean on. 

I’m looking for groups to join and have been talking occasionally to people I’ve met online but those things are hit or miss and take time to build. 

I wanna keep going but I’m feeling really weighed down snd alone.