Too Much but Never Enough
I've always been someone who writes. It's just who I am, if I have a problem, I write about it and some part of me feels better after that. So, here I am, once again writing about how I feel.
I've never felt like I'm enough, but I've always felt like I'm too much at the same time. I used to love writing, some part of me always thought I'd finish a book and publish it someday but my mom said to me, "Nobody wants to read a book by someone that doesn't have a degree." I guess it stuck with me, because I can't bring myself to write anymore. And I have all these ideas, but they're stuck in my head and I can't find it in me to bring them to life.
I'm turning eighteen next week Tuesday and I finished my first year in the university in September. The truth is, even after all that, I don't know what I want to do with my life. What does that say about me?
I have a friend that's in pre med year four and sometime ago, my mom said if she could switch children, she'd gladly take her and leave me. How do you come back from that? How do you see that person the same way you used to see them? The thing is, you can't. It changes everything, does words linger over you every time you see them. It becomes what you attach them to.
I love my mom but sometimes I don't like her. I look at her and I see all the sacrifices she's made but sonetimes I look at her and I see the person who has made me hate who I am, I see the person that told me she'd gladly trade me for somebody else and sometimes it makes me wonder, why am I not enough?
I hate that I feel this way and I push it down every time thinking it'll be fine but it never is. And I know that when she sees me, she hates who I am, she'll tell me I'm a kind person and that I don't ask her for much but eventually she'll tell me I'm wicked and that people around me dislike me. But how do I tell her that I wish she'd see as more?
I don't think I'll ever be enough and it kills me to say that but it's true.
Bee.
This just sounds really tough but also relatable for quite a number of people. It sounds cliche but your true worth is not defined by anyone else but instead only by how you view yourself. However, that's especially hard when that person is your mom...
But when you say you don't know what to do with your life, would that be because of your mom's expectations? Like, maybe in a way her expectations are making you feel like you have to do things that align with her expectations and therefore can't do the things that you truly want to do. Or maybe I misunderstood that and you're just saying "you don't know what you want to do" as a general statement. Whatever the case may be, think of what you truly want to do. Think of the things you love doing. How do you want to make a change in the world? What do you want to share with people? (Again, it's hard when the person is your mom, but...) Don't let others' opinions define how you should act. Do what you love and give yourself the love and care you deserve. You can't control what other people think about you, but you can control how you see yourself. So, even if the person is someone whose opinions are very valuable to you, the most important things you should be acting based on are the things that you tell yourself, how you want yourself to be, and what you truly love the most.
@BeeHeartsBooks awww honey I'm so sorry🙁 love hate relationship with your mum, must be really hard to hear her say things like that, it's very sad, I'm sorry sweetie. Words are the biggest weapon, I wish people would use them carefully. In my opinion you are definitely enough, now and forever ❤ and not knowing what you want out of life, there are still 50 year olds who don't know what they still want, so don't be so hard on yourself🙂❤ the people who just cruise through life, deciding everything on a whim, well they are the happiest people in life, so don't worry about that to much ❤
happy 18th birthday (your childhood as now officially expired 😁) you want to write and publish a book? That's awsome, writing is a great gift, a great talent, it's not something you learn, it's something you are. I have every faith you could be the world's next top selling novel'ist ❤ I would love to hear some of your ideas, if you want to share 🙂 don't worry I'm not a writer.. I won't steal your ideas😁😁
