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BeeHeartsBooks
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PathStep 5 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceOctober 6, 2024
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Too Much but Never Enough
Depression Support / by BeeHeartsBooks
Last post
 November 8th, 2024
...See more I've always been someone who writes. It's just who I am, if I have a problem, I write about it and some part of me feels better after that. So, here I am, once again writing about how I feel. I've never felt like I'm enough, but I've always felt like I'm too much at the same time. I used to love writing, some part of me always thought I'd finish a book and publish it someday but my mom said to me, "Nobody wants to read a book by someone that doesn't have a degree." I guess it stuck with me, because I can't bring myself to write anymore. And I have all these ideas, but they're stuck in my head and I can't find it in me to bring them to life. I'm turning eighteen next week Tuesday and I finished my first year in the university in September. The truth is, even after all that, I don't know what I want to do with my life. What does that say about me? I have a friend that's in pre med year four and sometime ago, my mom said if she could switch children, she'd gladly take her and leave me. How do you come back from that? How do you see that person the same way you used to see them? The thing is, you can't. It changes everything, does words linger over you every time you see them. It becomes what you attach them to. I love my mom but sometimes I don't like her. I look at her and I see all the sacrifices she's made but sonetimes I look at her and I see the person who has made me hate who I am, I see the person that told me she'd gladly trade me for somebody else and sometimes it makes me wonder, why am I not enough? I hate that I feel this way and I push it down every time thinking it'll be fine but it never is. And I know that when she sees me, she hates who I am, she'll tell me I'm a kind person and that I don't ask her for much but eventually she'll tell me I'm wicked and that people around me dislike me. But how do I tell her that I wish she'd see as more? I don't think I'll ever be enough and it kills me to say that but it's true. Bee.
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Me at My Core
OCD & Related Behaviors / by BeeHeartsBooks
Last post
 October 12th, 2024
...See more Hi... I'm new here. I started yesterday. I started typing this without a title in mind, I'm sure I'll think of something. The thing is all the tests I've taken online tell me that I do have OCD and the possibility is very high. I think some part of me knows that I do but I'm from a place where these things don't matter. For a few years now, I've struggled with admitting stuff, it's just something I do. I've always said I'm not depressed but then I'd stay in bed for like three days in a row then I'd be happy again. It's hard to admit to myself that I have certain issues. But, my best friend — who I'm absolutely in love with, by the way — has helped me to admit how I feel better. I'll be eighteen in a little over a month, and I don't remember a time when my father was ever there, I mean, he comes around now but what's the point? I think what I've struggled with as far as this whole thing is concerned is that I'm never going to be one of those people that has anything to say when my friends are talking. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I may be bipolar. And I just really need help and I need to talk to people that understand. I don't have the resources to get the tests that verify certain stuff, but when like seven tests say that you are, doesn't that imply something? So, this is me at my core. I have trouble accepting stuff and sometimes I make my feelings sound less than. I know there's more to me than this but sometimes, it feels like this is all there is. XO, Bee
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