The mental dilemma …
TLDR: I have been my own therapist for a long time. I used to struggle immensely with crippling depression and suicidal thoughts as a child due to mental abuse and trauma. My mothers’ only offer of help was prescribed drugs and my only coping mechanism at the time was self-induced memory loss.
When I aged into adulthood I left home and gave myself the space to heal and process the things that had inevitably happened. I taught myself new coping mechanisms, dropped all the medications the doctors had given me(high dosages of anti-depressants/psychotics/pain turned me into a walking zombie, I lost a job and barely passed high school from this) and I researched topics that brought me satisfaction and peace.
I realize I have made leaps and bounds in my healing process on my own in the past years, and am proud to be able to tell people I am no longer depressed(at least the way I used to be). But even then, with all the personal work and gained knowledge and massive lifestyle, routine, and circle changes I still am hitting points where I am inconsolable, desperate, and paranoid. I can’t get a job because I crack under any amount of pressure and fall into hysterical panic attacks, cry in public, and require constant attention from my husband.
I am a wise person, especially for my age. My friends often use me as their therapist as they find my advice helpful, and if they listen they exude high performance and massively successful positive life changes. I often use the same advice I give them on myself as well. But it seems I am missing an important piece of my mental puzzle, thus resulting in my current dilemma.
I’ve made progress, but not enough. Please ask me any questions if you have an idea of what I might be missing and need more information. It’s time for a second opinion on the matter.
What are your tips of being own therapist and coping mechanisms? I come from a place where you’re not allowed to get professional help because it’s frowned upon and is very costly but I am not just depressed but also have severe anxiety and am living in a dysfunctional family so you can imagine how bad it is…….if u could help,
Yes of course:
In a dysfunctional family it’s extremely hard to get alone time for yourself so whatever time you get to be alone, take it. Spend that alone time reflecting on who you are as an individual, the good and the bad. To grow you must teach yourself to love yourself and give yourself the room and forgiveness to grow and mature. Apologize to yourself when you think bad thoughts. Take care of your body and self image, as often times hygiene can affect your mental health, or vice versa your mental health can affect your hygiene.
A lot of self therapy is time spent analyzing your habits, routine, mannerisms, and your circle. What part of your routine helps you and what part of it hurts you? How do I spend my time with friends, and how do I spend time alone? How do the people around me treat me, and what part of their treatment of me do I have control over? Are my friends my safe haven or do they add unneeded drama to my life?
Me personally, I spent a year by myself in self reflection. I moved across the country, my husband was deployed to Korea, and I had made no new friends in my local area. I was entirely alone and had to force myself to love myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, I spent many months in mental pain and turmoil. It’s definitely not a method that is for everyone and more often than not your age, location, situation, and family will not allow for such a drastic measure. What I did learn from that time though is that any time alone AT ALL can reap benefits for the mind.
When learning to love yourself you must remember you are the teacher and the student. Help yourself set goals, bring dreams into reality, and give yourself an overall purpose in life. Expect to take steps back before being able to step forward in progress. You will fail but you will also succeed, you will fall but you will also stand back up stronger and smarter.
I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life while I was still in school, but afterward I realized I had no true direction and felt lost. Life goals are what keep you moving, keep you looking to the big picture and keep you away from focusing on things that are too small.
Wow thank you soo much for the reply. It was really helpful. I was having really negative self harming thoughts because of my family which lead me to ditch my goals and purpose for living but your message just made everything…..okay…better actually so thank you that was really helpful 💜
@princesaluna
I didn't catch what exactly is your dilemma. Is it being afraid of missing some problem of yours without having, so to speak, external feedback?
I have an impression that you are pretty aware of yourself, you did a *** of a mental work. But of course, we have our biases, our defense mechanisms that skew our perspective. But it's normal, and as long as it serves us well, and we can function with what we got, it is ok.
I think we should not get fixated on getting “normal”, or “completely healed”, if there is such a thing. If you have found your ways, healthy ways, to regain yourself, to carry on, that is a lot.
I'm not sure if that answers your dilemma. But I wish you well.
You’re right I didn’t explain myself well lol, here:
My dilemma is that even though I’ve found myself and have a healthy routine I still struggle with regulating my reactions to tough situations.
I’ll describe my depression like an onion: I’ve peeled back the layers of my childhood trauma and have conquered the first few layers. But the deeper, thicker layers are my inner sorrows and fears. Base issues that continue to affect my ability to function correctly. And you’re right that’s natural and I don’t need to be any semblance of “societal normal” I could care less about being normal honestly lmao. My main focus is more so my inability to keep my composure. I have the worst of luck so bad things happen to me regularly that reopen my self doubts and break my confidence. The layers of my metaphorical onion have been peeled back but I have to peel away a few more before I can properly plant the stem and regrow newer more healthier layers.
Back on the side of reality, what this looks like is I’m actively practicing all my coping mechanisms, and yet when I go out to, say, do taxes, I’ll have a panic attack right in front of the tax people because I’m missing a required document even after calling ahead and preparing documents. Small fixable things send me into a clouded haze and slightly larger issues put me out of commission for days, even weeks. It’s why I feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle, I know what’s wrong but I’m unsure of what needs to be added to my routine that would eventually resolve the issue.
Please feel free to ask for anymore clarification, I have a tendency to ramble XD even then, your original response was still very insightful, thank you!
@princesaluna
That onion metaphor remains me of the philosophy of nothingness; it process of becoming your true self was described as the peeling of the layers which are roles, introjections; everything that is not you, everything that was imposed on you by family, society, etc.
“Do you know whats left after all the layers are removed? Just the smell. And that’s you”.
But, that was a digression lol.
Maybe you should give Is it a try in therapy? It is hard to tell what's missing just from reading posts on forums, no matter how long. For me trauma and panic attacks call for professional help.
Take care.
Yeah you’re right it’s most likely something that would take a few sessions to find the missing piece.
I love that you had more to add to my onion metaphor though, that’s a very satisfying and relieving answer thank you!!!
I would like to clarify that I struggle with chronic depression. It’s something that I understand I’ll struggle with for likely the rest of my life, as the base of my depression comes from the pain and suffering experienced by all beings on Earth. I’m an empath and can see and feel everyone around me in pain, which causes me mental and physical anguish.
@princesaluna Being an empath sounds like you care deeply which is a wonderful thing. Perhaps you need wisdom about how you practice caring. Sharon Salzburg might interest you. https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/
Do you have a specific piece of hers in mind or just any of her works?
@princesaluna She teaches meta meditation (also known as loving kindness meditation). It’s a way to develop compassion for self and others. It’s sounds like you have a lot of compassion for others. Developing self compassion is also important. There is also the concept of redefining compassion so that we are not overwhelmed by it. Let me see if I can find a podcast I heard recently - it might be something for later exploration after you try Sharon’s meta practice for awhile.
@princesaluna Here is part one of 5 talks on compassion. The link below is to YouTube. You can also find it at audiodharma.org
The series starts with this title: Dharmette: Compassionate Action (1 of 5) For the Sake of Others
#3 In the series is on “self and others”
If you are not familiar with mindfulness meditation and meta meditation these talks might seem a little bit opaque.
I’m a listener here and we could set up a time to chat if you would like more info. I had to do a lot of “self therapy” myself and I really found mindfulness and meta really really helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/live/4_v9VbcRODg?feature=share&t=1884
Have you thought about just finding a therapist to talk to? It can take a while to find a good one, but they do exist. They can help you better understand how your brain is working without medication. @princesaluna
I have thought about it, but I have a habit of lying to therapists cause I feel like I’m letting them down with the truth. Being on this app is about the most strength I can muster in getting others opinions while still telling the truth.
That does make sense. Keep telling your truth here for a while and then maybe you will build up more courage for the therapy.
What you are describing really is a story of strength and resilience. The fact that you still have some things to work on around the edges is understandable. I think that you have a good chance of getting to an even better place because you are working so hard. @princesaluna
@princesaluna This TEDx talk by Dr. David Burns might be helpful as well. It’s short 20 min.
