Staying Back

What kind of gathering are you talking about? @Tripleplay

@bestVase7265

A fellowship gathering at my church that was on the 4th of July.

Ah, so do you not like social scenes in general or just that one in particular?@Tripleplay

@bestVase7265

I don’t find joy in anything anymore. I used to find joy at my church but depression has completely taken over and nothing makes me happy now.

I have definitely been where you are right now (church included). It took a long time to make it back to stability, but it is always possible.

I know that nothing feels like it is working right now. What eventually worked for me was starting from the very basics and working outward. Are you getting enough to eat and are you drinking enough liquids? Depression will make even these basic things seem so meaningless that we forget to do them. But without food and water you don't have the energy to fight. 

@bestVase7265

Lol That's the one thing depression cannot hinder me from doing, eating. I like food. I am glad that you are doing better now. I am also here to support you too.

That makes me happy to hear that you still have an appetite and are drinking fluids.

What kinds of things to do were your favorites before you got hit with depression? Sometimes reconnecting with really old hobbies helps. Sometimes you have to hunt down some new ones. A lot of it is experimenting until you find something where you begin to connect. 

I am doing fine. Thanks for the support! @Tripleplay

@bestVase7265

I know it sounds weird but I like to learn things in my spare time. Like science or about computers. Or just new skills in general. I’m currently learning ethical hacking online.

I have never been one to like being out with friends and what not. I do understand that going out sometimes is important and I have not choice but to go out for the most part.

however, I’m happy when I’m just in my own space in my room, unbothered.

I used to like being outside and playing sports but my chronic condition made that difficult for me from my senior year in high school. I have gotten used to no longer being able to participate in such activities.

What are your hobbies?

That's great that you are learning lots of new things! That is exactly what I was talking about.

I totally get not liking being out in groups. They aren't my favorite either. One thing that totally was a game changer for me though was getting out into nature and just walking every day. It doesn't have to be far. Even sitting by a window can help. But you have to do it consistently for a few months for it to have a real impact. And your brain will tell you constantly not to do it. But don't listen.

I like to cook, read books, and do online jigsaw puzzles. I also read a great deal. 

@bestVase7265

Making time to be outside has been something I have considered a lot lately. My only problem is that I can’t seem to find the time and it’s been extremely hot due to climate change. The only time I can see about doing it is early in the morning before work but I hate getting up early Lol. And I have to go to church after work because I’m an evangelist. Also, Saturdays I keep the Sabbath. I have decided to take Sundays off from church to prepare myself for the week and make time for my health. So i guess Sunday could be a day I go outside.

Those sound like some very fun hobbies. I think reading would also be something I would enjoy if I could make the time. I used to read books sometimes in high school and it was a nice escape when you found the right book.

What brought you to 7cups? 

You are definitely right about the heat. I have to walk almost right when I get up at around 7 and even then I am only out for about 15 minutes. Then I go back out in the evening around 7:30 for 15-30 minutes. But the heat is a challenge. Lately I have been doing lots of bird watching while walking which helps distract me from how hot it is.

I can get that the evenings are busy with your church activities too which makes things tougher. Do you ever try to do a quick walk before you get in the car to go back home? Does the music in church help a bit? I know that singing in a choir very much helps me. That breathing together part helps calm my nervous system.

I came to 7 Cups about a decade ago now. I was really struggling with depression and suicidal ideation and a German friend suggested it. The mental health battle was still a long, hard one. I will never completely escape, but I have learned to accept that and grow from it. I now think about depression as a blessing. Yes, I know how weird that sounds. But it has made me much more compassionate and open as a person.

One thing that really started to bring me out was coming to this website every night. In the beginning, it was to get encouragement. Then I began to offer encouragement to others. That was another transformational thing. I found when I start saying kind things to others that my brain began to slowly but surely be able to say them to me.

So the battle is real, but you can get to a point where you feel better. 

@bestVase7265

I don’t usually make it home until around 10pm. If my brother see me walking outside that late, he would start nagging about how I’m testing God and what not. But I will keep it in mind. I live with my brother and another church member and my brother always watching me. Especially now that he knows I have depression.

Yeah, I like to listen to the music provided by my church especially the classical instrumentals. They can be peaceful.

but Sometimes it feels like nothing helps. I’m find less enjoyment in things as each day passes by. I definitely feel that it is getting worse which is why I decided to see a professional. It hasn’t been this bad since the pandemic.

I Admire that you put much effort into encouraging others. I am also glad that you are in a better place now than before. I appreciate the support that you offer. It definitely distracts my mind even for a little bit.

I am so sorry for missing a night. I have a list of people that I check in with nightly and one has started to basically writing chapter books each night. I try to only do her every other night, but I sometimes get behind.

This kind of healing. all takes lots of time and patience which is really, really hard. I am glad that you are seeing a professional. It was really a victory that you decided to do something about your pain. A lot of people never have the courage to do that. And I am glad that your brother knows and wants to help. You might even suggest that a quick 15 minute walk for the two of you at the end of the day might help both of you sleep better. 

I know that some days all of the old stuff just feels really, really flat. It is frustrating because you are trying so hard to be happy again. Keep experimenting with some newer stuff. Each person is different so what worked for me might not for you. One weird thing that works for me that might help is online jigsaw puzzles. I do a site called "jigsaw explorer" once a day and a puzzle (with lots of stops and starts) takes me 15-30 minutes. What is interesting is that I constantly go "there is no spot for that piece" or "there is no matching piece" and then I find it. It helps me to realize how wrong negative voices in my head can be. @Tripleplay

@bestVase7265

No worries. I understand that. I appreciate that you consider me enough though to apologize. You don’t have to worry about responding to me every night. Some days that might not be possible and that’s okay.

My brother got a little impatient with me today when asking why I never gather with everyone at church these days. I understand why he would be worried but i don’t think he understands that getting impatient will not change anything. He hasn’t been this way in a while so it was annoying, but it is what it is. Will not change how I feel or make me gather more against my will. He doesn’t understand that I am not thinking about the future and I currently have no vision. I am just trying to get through the day. When I wake up, I think about how fast I can get through the day and lay down again.

And I will try that out. I actually really enjoy puzzles. I like any type of challenge really.

Yes, even those like our closest relatives who are normally supportive don't completely understand. You really are doing your best. But that feels flat right now and it is tough to move beyond that.

I can tell you that my own faith took a hit for a while when I was at my lowest. But over time and with lots of patience it did reemerge. I am not sure that I did anything in particular to cause that except that I refused to give up and stop going. I also sing with the choir which really helps me because of the sense of everyone breathing together. I was never one for attempting meditation because my mind wanders too much and then I get mad with myself. Breathing I could handle. I think that is how I am meant to communicate with the spirit. But each person is different.

Grant yourself as much grace as you can. God is granting you grace. Now you just need to extend it to yourself. It is all very tough and frustrating. But you are making it through.

With the puzzle, make it a daily practice. What you are trying to do is change the way your brain is thinking. That takes a while. @Tripleplay

@bestVase7265

Yeah, I am trying to learn to be more kind to myself. I am grateful knowing that nothing will stop me from going to church. I could never betray God in that way after everything God has done for me.

Thank you for the encouraging words. It’s hard finding genuinely nice people these days, especially online. I like 7cups for this reason. I use another mental health app but the community is more dark than bright. 

I did used to play brain games but was never consistent with it. 

Are you American?

Yes, I have always found this site to be pretty upbeat and encouraging. It makes healing much easier with people who are going through the same thing and aren't trying to tear each other down.

Yes, I am American. Obviously, faith takes many forms and I am very open to all versions of it, but I am glad at the moment that I have my faith community. I am not as fully committed as you, but it is a good place to gather strength.