Reflection + Time
Never really celebrated any birthdays passed my teen years but...This year suddenly hit me. Not because of my age, but because of where I am in life and who I'm surrounded by. I've realized that I don't really have any friends and I'm definitely not close to family. I use to have many close friendships and bonds, but due to depression and past events related to my PTSD, it's been difficult trying to get close to people. I keep getting hurt.
Sometimes, I get TOO overwhelmed and I disappear overtime. I'm not doing well right now mentally nor physically. My body is in pain constantly and made my pre-existing depression worse. My physical pain was caused by some life threatening events and made my life quality worse.
The only reason I'm still up and going is for my son. I want to so badly give him the life he deserves and to not worry. It just sucks always pretending to be OK though, when I'm really not. Some days, I just really want to give up.
I'm hoping that my depression will lesson once I start working and am able to set up an appointment to have regular doctor visits. I want to be able to live a (somewhat) normal, mundane life. Most times, when things start going well, crazy stuff out of my control happens (ex. getting hit by a car as a pedestrian, getting nearly mauled by wildlife, getting nearly permanently removed from this earth by some one I trusted and having to fight back for my life, etc).
But yeah...birthday this year...wasn't a jolly one...
I usually spend it alone and treat it as a "me day", but that day...just made me realize some things...
Especially since I moved back in with my abuser, who's an estranged relative of a few decades since she used to physically and verbally abuse me among some other bad things that I won't explicitly say here.
She pretended to be nice that day, but the following after the birthday, I overheard her complain about me loudly to another relative and talking down about me behind my back.
Hopefully, will leave this house soon once I start working and go back to being no contact. Might make me feel a bit less depress, at least. Since I moved back to the abuser's house, which is 1,000+ kilometers away from my home, I did end up running into a childhood friend I've known since 4 years old. I have considered reconnecting with her. That friend also had some childhood issues with her parents, so might be able to relate. She wanted me to stay around the area, but I told her I'll be moving out of state...
I just can't stay here any longer around nor near my abuser.
Sounds like a sad sad situation. I hope you are able to move out soon and connect with your old friend. Let me wish you a Happy Birthday! 🎉. Hope things look up for you soon and that you find a very nice job. Take care of yourself.
@enthusiasticPapaya8329 Hey, thanks. I should be moved out at the earliest in December, at the latest it'll be February. I don't trust the abuser, since they threatened physical violence towards me and she doesn't want me to work. She's trying to prevent me from being independent...worried she's going to poison me with her weird medicine soon...
The abuser doesn't understand my health condition and makes up stuff in her head of what she thinks it is. I have threatened to call the cops on her when she said she was going to have my brother beat me up and that she was going to break my belongings, so she's backed away. I record her too, anytime she talks to me (it's legal here). I don't want to risk it. She's *** daft woman, she is.
When I escape, I will leave quietly one day, maybe leave a note for my brother (who lives with her) and go completely no-contact with family and I won't let them know where I'm living. I'll be fine, I've move away before, I can do it again.
